Cable-Unable

Nadeem F Paracha
May 13, 2003

Programme Schedule & Highlights

6:00 am: Naat (by The Farhat Hashmi Band)
6:10 am: Islamic Talk. Host Junaid Jamshed.
Highlights…
JJ: My is against hypocrites! Specifically those hypocrites who call ME a hypocrite! How can people who eat houbara bustards call me a hypocrite?! I may sing Pepsi jingles, run boutiques, wear designer clothes and model for commercials, but at least I don’t eat houbara bustards! How can they criticize me for doing tableegh, grow a beard, and recite Pepsi jingles when they have houbara bustards in their sinful, bellies! Such people are hypocrites! Hypocrites with crisis and houbara bustards in their secular stomachs. People who don’t have the , the vision and passion to say Yeh Dil Mangay More!

6:45 am: NEWS
Highlights …
“First the headlines: Prime Minister Motorola Jamali has won the vote of confidence in the National Assembly … Now the International News: Prime Minister Motorola Jamali left for Jeddah after winning the vote of confidence in the National Assembly … Sports News: The second test match between and South Africa is scheduled to start 10.3 hours after Prime Minister Motorola Jamali won the vote of confidence in the National Assembly … Weather: Rain was reported from most parts of the country and Southern Guatemala soon after Prime Minister Motorola Jamali won the vote of confidence in the National Assembly … Now a reminder of the headlines again: Prime Minister Motorola Jamali …”

7:00 am: Good Mourning . Today’s program includes: A naat (by Najam Shiraz); a song (by Najam Shiraz); a lecture on Islamic (by Najam Shiraz); and a national song, Gotta Get A Lota For The Mota, (By Najam Shiraz & The PPP Patriots).

8:00 am: The Lucky Diabetic. A documentary on how Wasim Akram (a diabetic) manages to drink/eat/sell Pepsi, cream biscuits, ice cream, Tulsi supari and/or anything with tons of sugar and a huge advertising budget.

8:30 am: Fazloo’s Kitchen: Today’s recipe: How to make delicious Lashker-e-Halwa over a 10-ft bon-fire made from “vulgar videos”, albums, beer bottles and sealed Viagra cartons.

9:00 am: 40 minutes of mind numbing commercials sponsored by a 20-minute play.

10:00 am: Urdu Feature Film: Yeh Bill Aap Ka Hoa. Sponsored by KESC and PTCL.
(For viewers in NWFP & Balochistan): A lecture by Ms. Najam Shiraz on the evils of eating houbara bustards.

12:00 pm: Drama Serial: Amir Adnan Bhi Kabhi Bahoo Thi (Episode No: 16,543).
1:00 pm: NEWS
Highlights …
“Prime Minister Motorola Jamali … General Pervez Bonaparte … Faisal Salay Hayat …
Shaikh Receipt Ahmed … Azad , Disputed , Reputed , , , Quaid-e-Azam, Wazir-e-Azam, Nazim, MMAids, PPPaids, KMC, KESC, WTC, Afghan crisis, Afghan refugees, Afghani Tikka, Forge Bush, Tony Blur, Utter Gujrati , , North Korea, South Africa, East Niagara, West Viagra …”

2:00 pm: A documentary on the making of the new James Bond movie, Dye Another Gray.
2:30 pm: Sit-com: Everybody Loves Maymon. Sponsored by the makers of City Gutka, Rafiq B’ai & Salim B’ai, Shop No. 5, Jodia Bazar, .

3:00 pm: INDUST ! Request-a-song show.
Highlights …
“Hello, I’m your favorite dusty VJ, Anny, whose voice sounds like a choked siren during a botched scud missile raid. Cute, na?”

4:00 pm: Marina The Kitchen. Host: Marina Naan (Roghni). Guest: Ariel Maqsood.
Highlights …
Marina: Hee, hee, hee, ha, ha, ha … so tell us Ariel uncle, what will you teach our viewers to cook … hee, hee, hee, ha, ha, ha!
Ariel: What’s so funny?
Marina: Actually nothing … hee, hee, hee … I have absolutely no idea why I’m always giggling and laughing so idiotically all the time … ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee …
Ariel: I see. Then it’s quite ironic that today I will be your viewers how to make and shed crocodile tears. The sort, which can be sold to multinational washing powder brands for their “emotional” ad campaigns.
Marina: Wow! Hee, hee,hee, ha, ha, ha …so, what ingredients do we need?
Ariel: 20gm table salt; two ripe, juicy onions; a bit of average acting skills; some awful background sounding as if made by depressed chimps playing broken violins; a couple of poor mothers with junky sons; a few hart-broken wives; one morbid looking Sanya Sayeed as host; and of course, most important of all, a multinational sponsor hell bent on convincing poor mothers and wives that having a 50kg pack of branded washing powder is better than having a junky son or a jobless husband!
Marina: Gee, Arial uncle, I’m not laughing anymore.
Ariel: Good. Here’s the card of my sponsors. I think it’s about time we replaced Sanya.
(Phone rings)
Marina: Hello? It’s for you, Ariel uncle. It’s Sanya.
Ariel: Hello?
Sanya: Hee, hee, hee, ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee, ha, ha, ha …
5:00 pm: BJ On Line. Host: BJ Mir. Guest: Imam Khan
Highlights …
BJ: Hello, Imam.
Imam: Hello, BJ.
BJ: Tell us, Imam. Why did you vote for the MMA in the National Assembly?
Imam: Well, because the MMA is the only party that has the guts and manifesto to resolve the biggest issue facing today.
BJ: And that is?
Imam: HOUBARA BUSTARDS!!

6:00 pm: Mujahid Off Line. Host: Mujahid Bihari. Guests: Mollana Fazloo; Chaudery Nijad Hussain; Makhdoom Bean Fahim.
Highlights …
Mujahid: @#$*&$*&$#%^#@@!@#@!#*&^*&%$!!!
Fahim: $#@%^&%$#@!!@#$#@%^&**&^%!!
Mujahid: *&^%$%#@#!#@$#@$%$%%%!!
Fazloo: *^%^&$#@$#@!!@#$#%^&^%$!!
Nijad: &*%$%#$#@#$$##$$%$$$%%!!!
(Caller): Hello?
Mujahid: Yes, speak up.
(Caller): &*^%$##@#!@#@!@#####$$#$$%%^!!!
Mujahid: @#$*&$*&$#%^#@@!@#@!#*&^*&%$!!!
Fahim: $#@%^&%$#@!!@#$#@%^&**&^%!!
Mujahid: *&^%$%#@#!#@$#@$%$%%%!!
Fazloo: *^%^&$#@$#@!!@#$#%^&^%$!!
Nijad: &*%$%#$#@#$$##$$%$$$%%!!!
(Caller): Hello?
Mujahid: Yes, speak up.
(Caller): &*^%$##@#!@#@!@#####$$#$$%%^…….

7:00 am: Political “satire” show: Hum Sab Ajeeb Sey Hain.
Highlights …
SLAP!
STICK!
(Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha)
SLAP!
STICK!
(Ha ,ha,ha,ha!)
Great satire, guys … (ha, ha, ha, ha!)

7:30: Political sitcom: Frontline. Staring: Kamran Khan, Altaf Hussain, Samina Ahmed, Sabah Pervez & Samsung All-Purpose Laughing Machine.
Highlights …
SLAP!
STICK!
(Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha)
SLAP!
STICK!
(Ha ,ha,ha,ha!)

8:00 pm: INBUST .
Highlights …
“Hello viewers, I’m your favorite busty host, Nini Quintin Tarantini, with another episode of INBUST . Today, like always, we will be talking to men who talk like and who walk like they’re in Paris, about in a country that looks like !”

9:00 pm: CNN NEWS
Highlights …
“Osama, Osama’s wife, Osama’s son, Osama’s DNA, Osama where? Osama why? Osama who? … Sadam, Sadam’s missiles, Sadam’s palace, Sadam’s mustache, Sadam’s 3cm mole under his left ear lobe …”

10:00 pm: Religious Advise Program: Alim Out Of Line.
Highlights …
Caller: Please tell me what says about burping?
Expert: Well, burkhurdar, it is unIslamic to burp more than thrice after breakfast, five times after lunch and seven times after dinner.
Caller: What about ?
Expert: Well, should follow the burping patterns of cows and goats, but unfortunately, in these days when western culture is making us eat houbara bustards, most are following the burping patterns of cats. I think they should all be shot!
Caller: The cats?
Expert: No, the ! Cats are fine. They don’t eat houbara bustards.

11:00 pm: Prime Minister Motorola Jamali’s Press Conference.
Highlights …
Reporter: Sir, unemployment is skyrocketing, so is inflation, crime, garbage, , …
Jamali: Yes, yes, I met President Pervez Bonaparte and discussed all these issues with him.
Reporter: And what did he say?
Jamali: Surf Excel hai na!

11:30 pm: Hard Walk: Host: Dim Sebastian. The Walkers: Indian PM, Utter Gujrati ; MMAids leader, Mollana Fazloo; Israeli PM, Anal Phiron; and the Pope.
Highlights …
Dim: All major religions talk about , and tolerance. Then why do Muslims, Hindus, Christians and Jews each another?
: We just Muslims in and Gujrat, and Christian missionaries, that’s all.
Anal: We just Muslims. Period.
Fazloo: We just religions that allow the eating of houbara bustards.
Pope: Zzzzzzzzzzz ….
Dim: But isn’t there a better way than just hating?
: Ram Raj!
Anal: Jew settlements across , Syria, and Iran!
Fazloo: Chalo, Chalo Peshawar chalo!
Pope: Zzzzzzzz …

12:00 pm: End of Transmission. (Sponsored by Allah Tigers).