This is the story of someone very close to me. Someone I have seen going through many phases of life. She needs help and courage to stand once again on her feet, and to confront a man she dearly loved. I do not wish to see them separated but time has come for her to decide for herself and her children. She is fed up of leading a dual life. Showing everyone how happy they are while the reality is just the opposite of it. There are irrepressible cracks everywhere in their relationship. Can she be blamed for this fragile state or is it solely Abby’s fault?

This is how she narrated it to me………

It happened again on Tuesday. I was once again shattered. He lay on the drawing room carpet; face down, totally drunk and vomiting. My eyes welled up and I could not stop my sobs.

Every time Abby comes home drunk, we have a big fight. Then we do not talk for three days. This has become a monthly routine for the past four years. Though I have allowed him to keep whiskey at home as I am scared that living in Saudi Arabia, where ‘sharaab’ is strictly forbidden or rather declared ‘haraam,’ drinking outside your own four walls could lead to many problems. People have been flogged and deported if found drunk. It could be a matter of shame for the whole family and everyone will bear the brunt for the rest of their lives. Everyone knows the price of drunk driving in Saudi Arabia, the only Islamic state where there is a huge price to pay if you are found drunk. Especially if you are a Muslim and an expatriate.

I have tried everything to stop him. I have been patient, volatile, angry, and hapless but all has gone down the drain. He would beg me for one week; make false promises never to touch vodka again. I am so simple and gullible that I forgive him everytime. For the next three weeks, life becomes normal again, no lies, and no late nights. To my despair, the fourth week he returns to his old habit.

Every time he is late, my kids start looking at me with blank faces. I can sense their fear. They love him and respect him but they hate him when he falls to the floor, talks loudly, and vomits everywhere. I have seen my daughters crying silently in their rooms. It kills me, I feel as if my heart is torn into pieces.

I search myself where have I gone wrong. I am still attractive, educated, everyone in our circle thinks that we are a perfect couple. Only we know what lies beneath. I have so many friends but not even one to share my plight. There are times when I pick up the phone, dial a number, but hang it back on the cradle. My fear of losing my dignity and pride haunts me. I want people to live in the illusion about me and Abby as the ‘made for each other couple.’ My family loves him and respects him so much that I am scared of talking to them about this problem, too. At home, we both try to keep our fear of loss hidden under a huge pile of smiles and fake happiness.

Abby and I still love each other. He is wonderful, nice looking, his greatest asset is his sense of humor. He can make people laugh, and love him. We still have that magnetism between us. Sparks fly when he holds me! He proudly tells everyone how good I am at cooking and maintaining a house. He discusses all-important matters of his office with me. He trusts my judgment. This leaves me wondering that if he loves me so much then how can he continue doing something which I hate the most. We both understand that the scars of having a drunk parent are too deep to heal. Then is he weak to stand up and confront something bad that is destroying his relationship with me and his children? Is it so difficult to say ‘No’ to a glass of whiskey?

I do not mind him drinking to an extent. Why? Because it is something he is doing since he was twenty years old and as they say old habits die-hard! Coming from a rich single parent family, he had westernized uncles to take care of him. Therefore, Whiskey, vodka, scotch were normal drinks in his household. He was presented with the most expensive champagnes on his birthdays. After meeting me he promised that he will change his habits and he did give up drinking till his family completely disowned him. His family was totally against our marriage. Since we were lucky to live away from them, we managed to build our relationship bit by bit and it grew so strong that their plans of separating us proved futile every time they tried. But when after three daughters, I failed to produce a male heir; they could not bear it anymore. So they gave him an ultimatum, either it is me or his family? I was scared and shocked. I still remember how he cried that day when he told his mother that he cannot leave me. I know he misses them a lot but is this the right way of letting out your pain and agony? I have asked him many times.
I am also against his lies and excuses that he makes to get away from home and work, and I deny his way of drinking; seven pegs gulped down quickly.

He once told me that he is going to the airport to drop someone very important. He left at seven in the evening. I waited and waited until it was four in the morning. I was adamant that he had an accident while on his way to the airport. His mobile was also not working. Since we were new in the city and I didn’t know a soul, I called one of his colleagues only to find out that he was with him the whole evening and they were both drinking! I was so ashamed and embarrassed that I could not utter one single word. His colleague went looking for him and found him drunk and asleep near an ATM machine. He came home around five in the morning and we had the biggest fight of the fifteen years of our marriage. He was so drunk that he threw the sound system down and finally said, ‘I hate you.’ He then left the house. There are many ugly scenes similar to this one but I do not want to recall them.

Can anyone imagine how heartbroken I was on Tuesday, when I saw him drunk, sitting outside in the car, with his head hanging side to side. He could not even get out of the car. His head kept hitting the steering. It took him ten minutes to finally emerge from the car. I couldn’t move with shock and grief. I felt my feet getting heavy as if they are made of stones. My heart was torn into tiny pieces. My confidence in him was shattered once again.

I decided that to prevent my children from witnessing another ugly scene, I would try to be calm and quiet. No more screams and fights. I cried the whole night. However, I made up my mind to teach him a lesson. I drifted away from him completely. It hurts me to see him sleeping in another room. His grim face and slow walk kills me. We have not talked or smiled at each other for ten days. My kids are tense and heartbroken, too. They don’t know what is going to happen next. I am ashamed, what if they think that it is my fault. I do not even look at Abby. I miss those days and nights when the two of us were together. I miss our laughter, our long night chats. I wish he had not lied to me that day.

I accept that when it comes to Abby I am weak. I cannot take a decision. And he knows it very well. It is not an easy to leave Abby but I am ready to take the risk to win him back for the rest of my life. I am planning to go back to my country with my daughters and stay separated for at least six months. I know without him around me, I will be shattered and broken. But time has come for Abby to make a choice; either it’s me, his three children and a happy life or his drunk, bitter loneliness.