brother brotheruddin hamidm was co-opted to write this letter...but he is busy fighting other ghosts and has informed me he is not interested in taking pangas with you at this time

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To: Allah@gmail.com, God@hotmail.com, Bhagwan@rediff.com

dear Allah:

...been meaning to write to you for a long time...what with you being Malik and Master and ...khair

* we have a longish dry spell in southern ontario...our grass is dry...besides extreme heat and humidity was something i thought i had left behind in karachi…could use some of the water pouring over the south…

* kids do not listen...tell them not to whine and cry simultaneously?

* have trouble sleeping at nights...then watch cable news, get more disturbed…come to chowk and write bad poetry...(it is late a night right now)

* could you tell mrs. schmidt to please draw the blinds?...and don’t tell me not to look...you created me, i am what i am…you should know! ('drawing the blinds' translation specially for Nadia_Zehra 'pardah tou khainch lay zaalim')

* and tell abdul to get the surgery done....his strabismus is causing M and us undue anxiety and bother whenever we meet socially...

* and what is it between george and osama?...can’t you tell them to behave...ok strike this one....you may think i am stepping out of line and interfering in your business…laikin really, yaar kuch to karna chahiyay…these two are making life miserable for just about everyone

* surely you can fix the acrimony between urstruly and sattar2?

* and romair…can you send in a quintuplets in their blessed house/condo

* and if really are all that Powerful and can raise the dead send in Mr. Mohammed Ali Jinnah for a day please…just to settle the score between Yasser and Sadhna…please?

…khair, dear Allah, there really are so many things to write and as i key in this more and more things come up...but let me not bother with the trivial stuff...pol pots may come and pol pots may go...onto the real reason:

...my beef is the conditions that you allowed women to insert in the mother of all contracts…the nikhah-nama …in the case of this humble creature of Yours it is # 15 which states that …“the groom (party of the second part) hereby agrees to do the dishes manually whenever he invites guests into his home without giving three working days advance notice to his bride (party of the first part)...”

...dekhi chalaaki hawwa ki beti ki Allah MiaN?...oos zamanay may karachi maiN dishwasher ka naam bhee nahiN suna thaa hum nay…aur M nay ‘manually’ bhee insert ker diya…

khair…this clause is causing me untold grief…and has finally forced my hands…hence this email…

…in the year of 2005 since you lifted or caused Hazrat Issa to be lifted…the opinion locally is divided…just as it is on your being the Ultimate One and the Most Powerful one ever…i don’t want to name names here…but there are a few who think and act as if they are more powerful than you…that is between You and them…sannu ki….khair for the conditioning i received from my parents for me You are the Big One…PoweroUno…the Most Omnipotent as Mom told me repeatedly and Dad reinforced albeit rather forcefully that day when i smashed the windscreen of the neighbours car’s that came in the way of my hit and the boundary…he …my Dad kept in putting the fear of You to beat the crap out of me…but i must thank you God…for you gave me the nimble limbs and quick feet to escape that near tyranny….since that day am in awe of your Powers…

…please Lord, can you do something so this condition #15 disappears?...or tell Hawwa’s daughter that that condition is null and void and to behave God-like…I mean Merciful…for the rest of our assigned days here?

...please understand me O Lord….i don’t want You to do anything that drastic…i still mostly enjoy my days…and night with her…and yes, you are All Knowing and All Powerful…in simpler english….do not post a recall order on her…otherwise i will be emailing you daily…

…now that i have gotten my main beef out of the way and since am still here may i mention another matter that is heavy on my mind…suicide…no… no …You forbid! am not contemplating suicide…no matter what those multi nick imbeciles do on chowk to drive any sane person to commit the final cop out act…

…i meant the sudden proliferation of suicide bombings all over the world…

…can you fix these bloodying muslims? please? i mean yes your world is overpopulated and your muslim followers look at condoms with suspicion…but tell them not to take other civilians with them….at least not while sullying your good name… these silly misguided idiots are causing problems for the rest of us transients on respite here…

...waisay tou hum Alif Laam Meem, Yaasin wagehra kay baray maiN istifsaar karma chahtay thay (well dear reader, you may not know Urdu, and if you are nice i may provide translation of this for you later…suffice it to say here He understands Urdu)…laikin woh sub baad maiN is waq’t tou bus itna hee… Ya Rub tu in gadhON ko aisa wa’zeh ishara day kay yeh kumbukht suicide bombing say baaz aaja’ain…

...you know Allah MiaN your muslims leave everything for You to fix….even though i fully appreciate what you said in qur’an about ghore o tadabbur…about reading and thinking…

…in qur’an you explicitly gave men and women rights…rights some 500 years before magna carta…deemed by many to be the corner stone of constitutional law…but i do not see in the entire book one word about suicide bombing or killing innocent civilians…so do me a favour for this gunahgaar…

…yaar Allah Mian can you send emails to Secretary Homeland Insecurity, Director of CIA and FBI and Britain's MI5, Mossad, CSIS, RCMP and Putin’s FSB advising them all not to mix up these ducking suicide members with Islam?

…i mean it is not only Muslims who cannot read...er....your Book....seems a clear...though i must admit not very concise message you sent is misunderstood by every abdul, sasha, john, chan and mobutu....

…and my dear Allah you might as well send a cc of that email also to the editors of NYT, Washington, Jerusalem and National Posts, the Hindu, ToI, Toronto Star, Int’l Herald Tribune, Dawn, Chowk etc.

lve and rgds

t
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thirty five seconds after i sent this email the first of three auto generated emails started arriving in my mail box with similar messages

… from gmail: “Your mail could not be delivered. Addressee does not have an email account. Check your addressee’s address.”

…from hotmail: “Your mail could not be delivered. The Addressee's box is full and cannot accept more mail.”

...rediff: “Bhagwan does not accept unsolicited mails from Muslims.”