Suicide Note of a HIV Patient

Fawad along with us was god smacked, we were told by our local Agha Khan Laboratory that Fawad is HIV positive. It was a huge bombshell for all of us – we had a friend who was to die of a disease / infection which is not only incurable but considered ‘taboo’ to talk about. Fawad remarkably and rather astonishingly was not scared of the consequences of the newly detected infection in his body but was afraid of the reaction of his parents and family towards him being HIV positive.

I was selected to be the one to break the news to Fawad’s parents and I did that with a brave face. After hearing the news, the parents took it rather understandingly (it was understandable, because of the parents' background in medicine) and we all cried. Somehow, during the whole process we forgot to ask Fawad about how he got the infection and when we asked – we were in for a shocker.

Fawad slept with a prostitute in some brothel in Gulistan-e-Jauhar area of Karachi. We later found that the brothel was closed due to the pressure from neighbors and concerned citizens of the area (probably they moved to another place).

This was the first time I ever saw a HIV infected person. Before that I was ignorant to the extent that I thought of AIDS as an African Disease. It was for the first time as well that I witnessed not only the physical aspects of an Aids infected patient but also see the physiological aspect on a patient’s life; thanks to our biased and hypocritical attitudes of our ‘Pak’ society. There were friends and relatives who ditched Fawad during his suffering; some who came didn’t touch him; didn’t hug him – there was a separate glass for Fawad to drink water, separate dishes for him to eat. This effected him – since this was done not just by his friends and relatives but at times the very people who were to treat him.

We took Fawad to different hospitals – apart from some, we encountered the attitude towards an Aids patient very discouraging. Most of them (and I am talking not just about lower staff of the hospitals but doctors and consultant) still thought of Aids patients as ‘sinners’ and ‘rouges’. Imagine the effects of such taunts, hissing towards a patient? The physiological impact was traumatizing on both Fawad and his parents and to top it all up, there was a social boycott by some neighbors, friends and so-called well wishers.

Fawad Zaki – on 17th July, 2005 died at a age of 23, not because of HIV but we (society) killed him because of our attitude towards those affected by this deadly disease; Fawad committed suicide. I had always thought of writing the sufferings of HIV infected patients but always put it off – it was only when I woke up after seeing him in my dream; I decided to write. I got hold of the suicide note from his parents (they were very co-operative) but shattered by the death of there only child.

Following is the suicide note written on 14th of July, 2005 by Fawad Zaki:

Asalam Alikum,

Baba, Mama – I embarrassed you – I had been a bad child kindly forgive me. This is to let everyone know (specially the police) that I am committing suicide.

I am sorry.

Your Son Fawad.


It was a short but a very sad suicide note –yes, suicide is a stupid and a cowardly act but try to tell this to a youngster who is told he would die anyway and termed ‘persona non grata’. I still think Fawad did not kill himself but was murdered by our society. I just wish, where ever he is he may rest in peace.

The writing is an attempt to change our attitudes towards HIV infected or AIDS infected patient.