Worlds Apart

Raniya peered out of the window, as the huge airliner glided smoothly through the clouds. Her mother, Jehan Ara, sat in the adjacent seat… deeply engrossed in her reading. She unbuckled her seatbelt, and took a deep sigh, ‘Here I come, Ahsan!’

Eighteen, and full of dreams, Raniya sat quietly thinking about her fiancé with a gentle smile on her lips …

She was homeward bound - or so she liked to believe. Born and brought up in Bradford, she had little knowledge of her ancestral homeland, Pakistan; but engaged to her first cousin in the small town of Charsadda, she was looking forward to making a contact with her roots at last.

Her parents had moved to the foreign shores in 1970 in pursuit of a better future, some eighteen years ago, and never looked back. Khan Afzal Khan had built up quite a reputation in the social services sector, with his keenness to look after the affairs of his small community so far away from home. He was highly respected in Bradford and Manchester where most of the Asian immigrants, like him, had ultimately chosen to settle down.

Her mother had taken a teaching job that kept her close to other mothers and accounted for a lot of love showered upon them by the neighbourhood families. Raniya, and her brother, Bilal, were brought up with a healthy mix of eastern values and western progressive outlook. Education was first priority in their house. Raniya had just completed her O-Levels with straight A’s and was in her first year of A-Levels. Her brother, Bilal, was a year younger.

“Miss, would you like a drink?” a smiling stewardess inquired politely. It took her a few seconds to make the jump back to the present.

“Oh…er…orange juice, please…thank you.” She smiled back as she took the drink from her, and looked at her wristwatch.

They had covered about an hour of the journey without her even noticing the take-off, that she normally so dreaded! As she finished her drink, she rested her head against the seat and closed her eyes. Ahsan’s smiling eyes stared back at her…her heart skipped a beat.

Tall and handsome, he was a doctor by profession and eight years her senior. They had been in regular touch since their engagement had been finalized by the elders … in ‘absentia’, so to speak! Her mother had been very upset, but her father had convinced her in the end.

“Surely,” he had said, “Raniya must ultimately marry a Pakistani and, sadly, our own boys here are no match for our bright girl, are they? Ahsan is a promising boy. I think he will keep her happy.”

“But the difference in their upbringing, Afzal! Raniya is used to a completely different lifestyle. She can never settle down in Pakistan!” Jehan Ara had protested. “Don’t you remember what happened the last time we were there?”

She was referring to the time when, at twelve, they had taken Raniya and Bilal to Pakistan and put them in a boarding school, trying to give them a feel of their own culture first hand.

It had been a nightmare for both…the horrifying condition of hygiene; the bullying of older girls taking away the expensive shampoos and lotions that Jehan Ara had so painstakingly packed; Raniya had narrated in tears how she’d find wrappers of chocolates and emptied boxes of cereals too, taken out of her closet without permission…and then there were the flies, the terrible skin rash they developed, the spots… by the end of one month the kids had had just about all they could take…and had pleaded to be taken back.

“Well, it’s about time she learned to adjust in her own culture…’bout time, I’d say! She was too young then… a sensible, mature girl now.” Her father had replied in a tone that booked no argument.

And so they were on their way, on a short trip to get acquainted with Pakistani culture, and of course, with Ahsan. It was decided that the wedding would take place the next time they visited, after she had completed her A-Levels, a year and a half later.

Although they had never actually met, Raniya and Ahsan spoke regularly on the phone, wrote endlessly long letters, exchanged photos, shared their dreams and felt like they were closer than many couples that had spent a lifetime together! Such was the wisdom of young love…

“Would you like another pillow, ma’am?” the efficient stewardess was bending over her, intruding upon her thoughts again…

“No, thank you…I’m fine.” Startled out of her thoughts again, Raniya declined and turned her face towards the window.

She’d really rather the girl showed a little less efficiency and left her to her daydreaming!

She kept her eyes closed when a few minutes later the dinner was served…and before she knew it, she had drifted off to a sound and fanciful sleep…

-------------------------------------------- ----------

The reception on their arrival at Peshawar airport, the car ride to her uncle Saeed’s home in Charsadda, where they were to stay; meeting with so many weird-looking cousins, hugging, suffocating, endlessly kissing aunts and smiling uncles…everything passed in a confusion of phenomenal proportions! Afterwards, Raniya could not recall names nor recognize faces!

And much to Raniya’s surprise, Ahsan flashed a brief smile from a distance and never even came to say hello!

“It’s Pathan tradition,” her mother explained. “You can’t really meet until you’re married.”

“Oh, for Heaven’s sake Mum, is this the dark ages or what? What’s the point of coming all the way here if I’m not even to speak to him? ” She protested.

“Shhh…don’t raise your voice…it’s not considered ‘proper’!” She was silenced.

“Mum?” some of the initial enthusiasm was beginning to fade…

“Look, honey…everyone’s scrutinizing you, looking for something, to say: ‘See, she’s not suitable…whoever heard of a girl brought up abroad having any understanding of our culture!’ So don’t give them a chance, okay? Don’t give them a chance to find fault with your perfect upbringing.”

Raniya stared in dismay…feeling a heavy weight bearing down on her frail shoulders. She adored her parents, as they did her, but she was not sure anymore about exactly what amounted to letting her parents down.

She remained quiet and subdued throughout the day, and excused herself early for bed on the pretext of jetlag. The house, full of noisy, excited chatter, was starting to get on her nerves. She spent a sleepless night asking herself whether she had let herself into something more than she had bargained for. She could not find any answers and, finally, fell asleep in the early hours of the morning…

------------------------------------------ -----------

She stirred at the sound of voices… arguing, accusing, pleading…

‘Am I dreaming?’ she turned on her side, and rubbed her eyes. She saw her parents and sat up quickly. They stopped talking. Something was wrong.

“Mum? Dad? What’s going on?” she asked, apprehensively.

They exchanged a look. Then, her father walked over and sat down beside her.

“Nothing, pumpkin…everything is just fine.” He kissed her forehead and left the room.

Her mother sat down by her side and tried to smile. “Raniya darling, we thought may be you and Ahsan should get together now…get to know each other better…” she managed another stilted smile, “ …may be get married?”

“Wha-at? Get married now?” Raniya felt her world crashing down all around her.

With a terrible feeling in the pit of her stomach, she listened to her mother telling her how the elders were insisting that the ceremony must take place as soon as possible, and that her father had finally agreed with them… And of course, everyone always did what Dad wanted in the end.

The next few days passed in a haze…the shopping, wedding preparations, the decorations and the invitations…till the big day arrived.

Raniya felt like a bystander…as if she had come to someone else’s wedding…except that here she was, sitting among hordes of female relatives, supporting tons of jewellery over a flashy fuchsia pink gharara… and tacky make-up she wouldn’t be caught dead in!!

She looked and felt like a cheap present being offered to Ahsan…

Finally, the commotion died down, the guests departed, and she was taken to her bedroom to wait for her groom.

Raniya felt overwhelmed by it all…

Could she carry it through? She was not sure…

Ahsan entered, quietly closing the door behind him. Then he sat down by her side. She felt shy and awkward. He touched her cheek and tilted her face up to his, gently. She looked into his smiling eyes and a cloud seemed to lift…

‘He was with her…she would pull through’. She smiled back.

--------------------------------------------------- -----

The next few days passed in a haze…she was lost in Ahsan’s love and life was beautiful. Then, it was time for her parents to leave. Torn between severing ties and forming new bonds, she said difficult goodbyes.

“Hey Pumpkin, you take care now…we’ll be calling you everyday.” Her father kissed her hair as he held her lovingly. She held him tightly, closing her eyes…trying to preserve the moment. Tearfully, her mother kissed and hugged her for several minutes and then got into the waiting car.

‘It would be hard…leaving a part of her life behind and starting a new one…but she had to be strong…it was expected of her.’

She stood in the driveway for a long time with a lump in her throat till Ahsan gently drew her inside…

Life fell into a routine with amazing speed…

Raniya immersed herself in housework to pass the time, since Ahsan was a busy surgeon and mostly unable to give her much time. She understood that he needed space to establish himself in his field…but she missed their heart to heart chats.

Her parents-in-law became fond of her, and tried to make her comfortable and happy. They were so proud of their Bahu from ‘Walayat’ who was more sensible than many of their girls here, and a perfect doting wife for their son.

Raniya became very lonely. She missed her parents, Bilal, her friends…

She thought about her lively previous life all the time…she would sit for hours, daydreaming…seeing herself back in Bradford…

----------------------------------------- -------------------

There were many Asian girls at her school who gave in to peer-pressure and indulged in outrageous behaviour, like smoking and cutting classes to go out on dates. She remembered one girl who’d run away with a taxi-driver some years ago, and had been caught and sent back to Pakistan…and married off to a distant cousin twenty-five years her senior as a second wife. At the age of eighteen, she was already a mother of four!

Not Raniya. Her mother had raised her with freedom to make her own choices, coupled with a strong sense of responsibility. She could not have dreamed of letting her parents down.

School was more fun and laughter, than study …the harmless but hilarious pranks she and her friends played on unsuspecting peers and teachers…and got away with - the lovely British sense of humour coming to rescue! She missed going out to the movies with her friends … George, Rita, Amisha, Haroon, Zoya and Josh.

Being neighbours, they’d all practically grown up together, and had become close friends over the years. She loved to listen to them talking endlessly about their dreams and aspirations…there were dentists, artists and travellers in the making! And she shared with them her dream of becoming a writer. The boys would laugh at her, mimicking and mocking her serious expression, till she screamed and refused to speak to any of them. But they knew she couldn’t be angry with them for long…and always forgave them even before they’d apologised!

It came as quite a shock to all, when she told them about her ‘long-distance engagement’.

“Are you crazy? You’ll suffocate, Raniya…they’ll keep you locked up, and never let you see the light of day!” Zoya was concerned.

“Are you sure this is what you want, Rani?” asked Amisha.

“Hey, if it’s just about getting married, I’m sure I can keep you happier… won’t you consider me?” Haroon had joked.

“What about me, you traitor?” Zoya pouted prettily, and Haroon winked.

“Stop it, you guys!” she glared, “It’s not funny!”

Josh had been upset too…

“You can’t be serious!” he had all but shouted…so unlike him…

“It’s not my choice, Josh…that’s the way it is in my cul…” she tried to explain, but he cut her short…

“There’s always a choice, Raniya…whether you take it or not!” He’d said very quietly and walked off.

They hadn’t spoken for days after that. But seeing her all quiet and subdued, he seemed to understand that she needed his support, not censure. Raniya was touched when he told her that he just wanted to see her happy…it was okay so long as she was happy. He wished her all the luck.

-----------------------------------------------------



She sighed…. ‘How she missed the life she’d left behind…’

Ahsan gave her as much time as he could, but he discouraged her going out as, it was against Pathan tradition to have women roaming about outside the home. Why did she need to go out anyway… if she needed anything, all she had to do was ask, he insisted.

And then she had to cover herself from head to toe…something she was not used to at all…

She remembered the last time she’d gone out to the market with Ahsan to buy the groceries, and tripped over her chaadar…would’ve fallen flat in the middle of the market had Ahsan not steadied her quickly. Her chaadar had slipped off her head and shoulders…and Ahsan had been furious! ‘Public humiliation’ he called it.

‘Well, it wasn’t like she’d done it on purpose’, she thought indignantly…but Ahsan had refused to take her to the market after that, and she wasn’t allowed to go on her own. She had to send the servant for every little thing she needed. It was so frustrating.

‘You will suffocate!’ she recalled Rita’s warning despairingly, so very often…

And then there were the cousins…oh, how they tricked her into giving them her expensive, branded stuff…everything from her carefully chosen make-up to her bathroom slippers! Things supposedly ‘borrowed’ but which she never saw again! And sometimes, her belongings simply disappeared from her bedroom…

But the worst was when they’d ask her about the perceived ‘vulgarity’ in the ‘Gora-land’ where she’d grown up…

“So… girls and boys kiss in the open…on the streets?”

“No, they don’t…I didn’t have that kind of friends, anyway.”

They would exchange looks.

“Did you have lots of boyfriends?”

“Friends, yes…girls and boys … but not boyfriends!”

“Ah…” with raised eyebrows…

She would just get up and excuse herself on one pretext or another …and would become the hot topic of discussion among her large acquired family…

“Miss High and Mighty…won’t even sit with us!”
“Drenched in perfume, nose high in the air…!”
“The imported stuff won’t last long…er…not that I have anything to do with it, of course!!!”
“‘Why are there so many flies?’ she says…well, ship them all to Siberia, madam!!!”
“Can’t even wear a chaadar properly!”
“Bet she knew lots of boys…”
“And whoever heard of boys being just friends, anyway!!!”

Raniya felt very out of place. She tried very hard to adjust but she was treated as ‘guilty until proven innocent’…instead of the other way around.

Her mother called her as often as she could and always tried to calm her down with soothing advice. She sent her, her favourite chocolates, and loads of other stuff to cheer her up …but Raniya missed her home…

‘Home? Where was home, anyway? Don’t they say home is where the heart is?’

And then one day, out of the blue, Josh called…

“Hi, Raniya…”
“Josh? Oh, Josh!” she nearly burst into tears.
“Forgotten us all, huh? We’ve been waiting for you to call but, of course, the Little Lady likes her new life too much to spare a thought for the not-so-important-anymore friends, huh?” he joked.
“No, no…”
“So, you got married? Wasn’t that supposed to happen in a couple of years or so?”
“Oh, Josh…it’s a long story… I miss you so much…all of…” she was cut short as Ahsan took the receiver from her hand and put it down.

He had come home early to give her a surprise…

“Ahsan? What did you do that for?” she asked baffled.

“Raniya, women don’t have male friends here… your life in Bradford is over…start living in the present.”

“What do you mean it’s over? I had a life there, which is more than I can say for what I have here! I won’t forget it…it was the most beautiful time of my life…I’ve got nothing here to be happy about!” she screamed, suddenly unable to hold back months of bitterness anymore.

“This is your life Raniya…”

“No!”

“You̵ 7;re my wife, Raniya…and there’s no room for another man in your life now…even as a friend. It’s just not our culture!”

“You’re a stranger, Ahsan…I don’t even know you anymore…you are not the one I fell in love with!” hot tears rolled down her cheeks.

“Look, I know I’ve been neglecting you…but it’s just a few more years I need for my career…”

“I won’t survive these few years, why don’t you understand?” she cried bitterly,

‘There’s always a choice …whether you take it or not…’ Josh’s quiet reminder flashed through her mind…

“I’m a misfit in your world, Ahsan…I don’t belong here…I want to go back.” she came to a sudden decision.

“Don’t say that Raniya…you don’t mean it…you know I love you!” surprised, he blurted out.

“Well, that’s not enough!” she shouted, “I can’t go anywhere, don’t know anyone I can hold a meaningful conversation with, you won’t let me speak to my friends for some stupid cultural taboo…won’t let me take a job ‘coz it dents your ego… I can’t breathe Ahsan…I want my life back…I want to be happy without feeling guilty…without thinking about what others will say…I feel like a caged bird… you’ve clipped my wings, Ahsan…give me my life back!”

Hysterically, she clawed at him as Ahsan tried to calm her down…holding her tightly in his arms…kissing her hair…

“Shhh…Rani…honey, I’m so sorry…” he whispered over and over again…

He was beginning to see it all so clearly…and starting to hate himself for putting her through it all…for not realizing how much pressure she was under – having to cope with so much all on her own.

How could he have expected her to just mould herself to his demands? She was a human being, with a mind and heart of her own…not a machine that he could program!

She was right. She had tried her best…had endeared herself to his parents with her sweet and caring attitude; had even learned to cook desi food, wear the chaadar properly…he almost chuckled as the image of her tripping over it flashed through his mind… he’d been so harsh with her just because he’d heard the snickers of the passersby… he was under pressure too…social, cultural pressures… the added burden of making his marriage work despite all odds of her westernized upbringing, and to show the family - the whole city was family in his small town, anyway – that he was in-charge, and could turn her into a suitable and decent wife, after all.

He had let his insecurities exact a toll from her…

He adored her, he knew without an iota of doubt…couldn’t dream of a life without her…and yet he’d left her to the mercy of the winds? How could he have been so cruel?

“I’ll make it up to you, honey…I promise…” he whispered.

She looked into his eyes…disbelief, and pain clogging her mind…

“You want me to be someone I am not…I don’t think we can go on like this…we’re world’s apart, Ahsan.” She replied sullenly.

“No… I love you for who you are, and we are going to make it work…we won’t allow anyone to come between us anymore… Raniya… I want us to grow old together.”

A movement at the door caught her eye as she saw her parents-in-law standing in the door. Embarrassed, she tried to wriggle free but Ahsan, with his back towards them, held her tightly. As she looked up again, she saw a wealth of love oozing from compassionate eyes. Quietly, they turned and walked away, closing the door behind them.

Raniya felt defeated. How could she turn away from so much love just like that? She had to give it her best shot.

She tilted her face to gaze at Ahsan again…and managed a slow, reluctant smile.

His eyes lit up.

----------------------------------------------------- ---------

They moved to Islamabad along with Ahsan’s parents shortly afterwards. Within no time, Ahsan earned himself quite a reputation as a surgeon with his hard work.

With adversity behind them, and happy times at hand… time just seemed to fly…

Raniya had become quite busy working with charity organizations, balancing her activities with bringing up her three wonderful children…

She also realized it was time to work towards the actualization of her long forgotten dream…and started struggling to organize her random thoughts, urging the words to obey some sort of discipline. Most of the times they danced around the page teasing her, but every once in a while she actually felt rather pleased with herself! She did hope to get somewhere… some day.

She and Ahsan took a trip to Bradford to attend the wedding of George and Rita two years later, who then visited Pakistan the following winter. Raniya was also in touch with Amisha who had gone back to India and was holding her third solo art exhibition. They had planned to be there for that one, but the visa restrictions had prevented them. Zoya and Haroon were engaged – well, that was no surprise – and training to be dentists…and Josh?

Good ol’ Josh…he was a free spirit…working as a Social Worker in the NGO sector, he travelled the world, scaling quake-torn mountains, visiting war-ravaged zones or braving the scorching heat of boundless deserts; calling her up from one corner of the world or another to relate his latest escapade!

And once he’d managed to come and see her as well. Ahsan and Josh had hit it off immediately, and Raniya had been so glad. Recalling how Ahsan had put the phone down on Josh once, forbidding her to speak to her ‘male’ friend, she had suppressed a smile.

How wonderful it had been to just sit there listening to his adventures, absorbing every word… just like old times.

And as Ahsan had got up to fetch his prized chess set, Josh had looked at her closely, raising an eyebrow quizzically.

She had known instinctively what he wanted to know… ‘Has it been worth it? ’

She had simply smiled, ‘Yes, all the way! ’

What a blessing it was to have friends who genuinely cared!

As she looked back, she felt overwhelmed with the huge turns her life had taken since she’d taken that flight eighteen years ago to make a contact with her roots. How wonderful and fulfilling, it had all turned out to be in the end - even the disappointments, anger and bitterness of the early months, that had actually brought them closer…

She cherished every bit of it…and if she had a choice to go back and change any part of it, she knew, she would want to re-live it all over again!

-------------------------------------------------- -------------

“Shehryar, Waleed… come quickly, dinner’s getting cold!” Raniya called out to her teen-aged sons.

Mona, the youngest, sat next to her mother. Ever the dutiful daughter, she had just helped her lay the table.

“I’ll call them, Mum”, she dashed upstairs to call her brothers who were glued to the computer, like all kids of their age!

Ahsan smiled at Raniya, as he put his hand gently over hers, “Thank you for being my perfect wife… for putting up with grouchy ol’ me, year after year!” He spoke with a twinkle in his eye.

Then he added solemnly, “…and to think we almost lost it!”

“You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried, darling!” she chuckled, as she squeezed his hand, lovingly.