i’ve been reading other peoples ilogs recently. never did understand why people bother with writing down public "dear diaries" ... seems quite bizarre.
if it’s very personal, its stupidity sharing it with absolute strangers who may use the information in dirty, petty ways. if it isn’t personal, then why make it seem that way. why bother with all the contrivance? why bother to project an image of your inner self that everyone knows is filtered and diluted? me no get this ilog business.

and yet i write :) in my feeble defense, this is probably just a one-off. i hope i don’t get addicted to this twisted form of narcissism.

i lost my hotmail password recently. under normal circumstances, you just have to fire off an email to the service provider and they in turn send an email to your original/guarantor/alternate/back-up account with the new encrypted password.

because my original account is also lying dead somewhere at yahoo, there is no way i can access my hotmail account. ever. (i think).

it’s very depressing, that. all my emails over 7 years have been stored there. emails from my mother when i was at college, from my ex when we had started going out, from my ex when we broke up, from my friends when they felt like throwing a shout across the world, from my ex giving it to me after i dropped out from college, from the dean of my university a year later telling me how many credits i had BETTER get done to graduate. a whole list of emails that logged and charted my tour through life.

my email inbox was my "dear diary". it was always emotionally interesting to read old emails. it was an easy way to run away from ’what is’ to ’what was’ and ’what could be’. i smiled when i read emails from my friends when we were 17, not sure whether we were black or brown, writing in ebonics (D instead of Th, Z’s instead of S’s, numbers instead of letters). there were old party invites going back to 96. an old email from my first girlfriend with a beautiful poem. it made me feel like a teenager again, confident, naive and not yet so cynical, so unamazed.

it made me cry when i read my ex’s mails. they were so full of love, youthful abandon. we had invented nicknames for each other, so many loving names. our emails to each other were baby-ish at times, each trying to out-do the other in cuteness. we were together for a long long time so there was much cuteness to peruse. there were hostile emails later on, emails in which i was vilified for being a coward, an arsehole, a prick, a selfish bastard, "most insincere person i’ve had the pleasure to meet" (hey babe, at least it was a pleasure!!).
all of that is gone. it’s not a sense of loss that i feel. perhaps just a bit. but it’s depressing to think that my personal things are ’out there’, locked away from me. eventually, hotmail will disable the account and erase all my memories. i bet its not even a human who’ll press the button to wipe out my letters, those feelings, those thoughts. its probably some stupid code programmed to clse down accounts not accessed in 3 months. my letters will have no human company now. so many of them remain unanswered.