paas aana bhi tha door jaana bhi tha..

.."Two best persons are best apart" he said, then told me that we’ll stay friends, keep in touch and let each other know what is going on in our lives. "So we are friends now?" I asked, he replied “No, we can never be friends but much more than that because we are too close to be friends"...right! Anything you want, you got it hon. so you decide we be friends or more than that..whatever you say. But try as I might, I am not able to sigh with relief. He will never realize I lost a part of myself in the line of "love". I feel like going out up to the horrible isolation of Saratoga hills and banging my car heads up in a tree. How do people do it? How can we try so diligently at moving our lives around one person and stop all of a sudden? I wish I was some devious white chick and had said "big deal. I’ll love again". How do people fall in love and out of it, I am compelled to think. For all its worth, love has crushed me and left me feeling inadequate.
I was doing just fine mocking my friends mushing their significant others up. They would be in great awe of my laid back, all in place life which was like that because I was not in love and all fortunate for it. They would say “It happens to everyone..everyone does it...you will too", shayed nazar lag gayee. It happened, just like that! It consumed me completely and I lost myself to it, just like that! Well, isn’t that what love is all about? All of a sudden, you are open to judgments about yourself...coming from your partner. He asks to be the sun of your universe and you let him think he owns you...his way or no way...oh but, what can you do...you are in "love". Even after doing everything to the best of your abilities, he loses interest...just like that! kisi ke liye kitna bhi kar lo...saala kam par hee jaata hai!
I’m done with this business. No more getting bugged for more time or more understanding when he has no time on him. It will be hard starting from a scratch; making new friends, getting old ones which he disliked to get to talk to me but do I have a choice? Farewell to frozen love and a trail of dreams. I will remember you though...as a lesson...as good as it gets!