Change

I’m hurting myself. I’m hurting myself by being with you but i know if i leave, i’ll hurt you and i don’t want to do that. To tell the truth, I don’t really want to let go of the things i have grown to love, the small comfortable world that i inhabit in which you’re my nucleus, but somehow that world no longer holds that attraction & excitement for me, as it once did. I’ve lost the passion. I’ve lost the touch. Now it’s just my world and each day i have to find a reason to stay when my heart tells me i should move on and i’m running out of reasons to stay and yet...i’m afraid to let go. I’m afraid to go out into territories unchartered and unknown to me. I’m afraid to fail, scared of giving up whatever it is i have. This is comfortable, you’re comfortable, you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me, and yet i must hurt you, i must hurt you, because if i don’t hurt you right now....i’ll hurt you more laters....and i don’t want to hurt you...not even a little..not at all.

I wish it was easier. I wish i could just look at you deep in the eyes and go...that’s it..we’re through....we’d hug and it would be all over....God! i wish it was that simple. I wish....i wouldn’t remember the memories that are already pouring in....making me cry when i even think of the decision to go.....i wish...i cannot think of the millions of things that you have done for me......and here i am repaying you back with the worst form of torture for you.

What do i do? I can’t stay, yet i don’t want to leave, yet i must....i must...