The Desi Muslim

1. Desi Muslim women have traditional names like ‘Noor Bano’, ‘Sultana Bi’, ‘Rashida Khatoon’, ‘Naushada Begum’, ‘Roshan Aara’ etc. If suffixes like ‘Bano’, ‘Bi’, ‘Khatoon’, ‘Begum’ and ‘Aara’ are chucked out from Muslim feminine names, the names would sound modern and pleasing to the ears. Similarly, if a Desi Muslim man called ‘Zahir Miyan’ chucks out the ‘Miyan’ from his name, it’d sound better.

2. Desi Muslim women wear very bright, rather loud colours like striking, flashy yellows, purples, reds etc and decorate (actually, detoriate) their appearance with long dangling earrings. Plus, the old-fashioned burkha worn by Desi Muslims stands nowhere near the burkha worn by women in the Gulf. The latter almost resembles a black evening gown.

3. Desi Muslim men living in Saudi Arabia should realize that they look absurd when they wear traditional Arab clothes-the ‘toab’ and the ‘ghutra’. Arab clothing suits Arab men. Arabs have large hefty bodies that are suitable to be adorned in a ghutra. On the other hand, Desi Muslim men are relatively smaller in size and should thus stick to the lungi if they are Madrasi or the kurta-pyjama if they are Lucknawi or the salwar-qameez if they are Pakistani.

4. When a Desi Muslim travels from Saudi Arabia to India or Pakistan, he carries huge cartons which are overstuffed with God knows what. To prevent the cartons from tearing, the Desi Muslim puts yellow tape all over it. Then he takes out a black sketch pen, with which he scribbles the nine-yard long ‘MR. AMJAD KHAN SULTANPURI….. JEDDAH-BOMBAY-DELHI-LUCKNOW-SULTANPUR’.

5. A Desi Muslim, upon arriving at the Lucknow International Airport from Jeddah, puts on his sunglasses, even if the arrival time of his flight is 3.00 am in the morning. His entire khanndaan- from his Daada-daadi to his Khaala-Khaalu to his Bhayya-Bhabhi to his Bhannjay-bhattejay are there at the airport to receive him. I wonder how the womenfolk of his khaandaan have the energy to apply all the kaajal, mascara and really bright red lipstick at 3.00 am to receive him. The Gulf-returned Desi Muslim tries to show he knows a lot of Arabic, when actually the only Arabic sentence he can say is ‘Kaif al-haalak’

6. Coming back to Saudi Arabia, the desert country generally has small dainty residential buildings with two or three apartments on each floor. How do you make out which apartment has a Desi family living in it? It’s simple. A Desi family has its shoe stand or shoe rack kept outside its apartment. That’s the trademark of the Desi living in Saudi. People of all other ethnicities-Arab, Filipino or Africa- never put their shoes outside their flat. That’s the exclusivity of an Indian or Pakistani only.

7. A Desi living in Saudi Arabia spends very little on himself. He sends money to his ageing parents, saves for his sister’s marriage and survives on the remaining. The first thing he does is he calls his parents for Hajj. On the other hand, a Filpino living in Saudi Arabia spends his income on himself-pampering himself with Levi’s, music systems etc etc.

8. A Desi Muslim Hajj pilgrim is generally in his 60’s or 70’s. On the other hand, Hajj pilgrims from Indonesia, Malaysia and other Muslim nations are as young as 20s. The reason is the same again—familial obligations. Pehle bitya ki shaadi kara dein, apni zimmedariyon se muft ho jaayen, phir aaram se Hajj karenge.

9. In India and/or Pakistan, Muslims have reduced Islam to a set of ‘Do’s and Don’ts’. I’ve come across a lot of unsolicited suggestions like ‘You should not pray on the bed’, ‘You should not pray at 12.00 noon or 12.00 midnight’, ‘You should not shape your eyebrows’ etc etc.

10. While focusing on the ‘Do’s and Don’ts’, Desi Muslims miss the basics of Islam. A large number of Desi Muslims pray to revered saints like Khwaja Moiniddin Chishti of Ajmer, Khwaja Nizamuddin Chishti of Delhi and Haji Ali of Bombay.

11. Desi Muslims are guilty of portraying Islam as an anti-women religion. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have had self-made laws(which the so-called Muslims in India term ‘Islamic’) like Triple Talaq’ in place.. In India, a Muslim man can divorce his wife by saying ‘Talaq, talaq, talaq’ at one go. Even if he writes ‘Talaq, talaq, talaq’ on a piece of paper and throws the paper on his wife’s face, he’s divorced her. In today’s high-tech world, it would come as no surprise to me if a Desi Muslim man sends to his wife a message over the mobile phone which reads: ‘Talaq, Talaq, Talaq’. The hapless Desi Muslim wife would be divorced at the click of a button.

12. Another ‘Desi Islamic law’ is ‘no-entry of women in mosques’. One thing I miss about Saudi Arabia while in India is that I cannot go to a mosque. Sometime around in 1998, a few brave Shia Muslim women in Lucknow attempted to break the ‘rules’ and entered a mosque. The chauvinist Muslim men present there raised a ruckus. One Muslim man said to a TV channel, “Aisa hai, Islam mein aurton ka masjido mein jaan mana ha’. I swear I wanted to punch that moron the moment he uttered those words on TV. However, the only thing I can do, as of now, is write my grudges against the Desi Muslim on Chowk.