So here I go, another try ….. proabably the 1000th time I have made an attempt to write.. to wrtite what the truth I think.,….
Not to fill the pain of the events in my life, in just one day.. Turning them into riddles of the stuggle I live.
Not any one else to read and think how much what they say seems like the same . ithe same as them, it does always, but never in the same way.

Until you read…..read something, One who decides these plain words deserve the truth of their own meaning. Meaning of what they describe to become alive and at use thru my own expression. The expression of my own impression this time.

Angry … yes at times, always at myself unbelievable to those who know me. Because I never was , I was always thinking about myself, how I looked, what I wanted no matter the price or pain. And guilt was always a theory I can not explain, but to say that if it were it was because I got caught,. So to regain myself I would never leave without knowing the person could and has forgave me. Me …. Me

But I was no liar to hurt others, if the lie would mean to let them live with out hurt, it is I who ever it may be…. I lived for life and others, yet never for the ones who brought me into this world.

20 years it took until life changed in such a way that it now makes sense of the writers block. It was when a story itcould not be but instead reality keeping the writer to flourish. How strange it is… when one can write stories, fantasy, fiction or non fiction can not write, imagine, nor find the facts to fill our life our talent,,,,,,, the only way some o f us can tell what they want , talk and express.

I always found a way to fill that vague blank spot, when Ignorance was bliss. Dreams always there to wait for, to keep me on the top of the world. Until she came into my life. Freshman yr for her and 2nd for me. one year she lived apart of my life, 6 months she lived in my life, 2 months she became my life along with him.

Then leaving me with him….. that starts the beginning of so many ,,,, to many words. Never enough time , never able to think so much. Not wanting to…….But what I did find out was that those 20 yrs, turned the last fives of what seems to have been there , erasing the rest.


One day ……….. I can start to finish.



February 28, 2006 51 am Tuesday
I have 34 % battery time giving me the irritation of never enough time …
How life condtricts once the truth is shown to you, the truth of not a religion, but of what and why there are all these mysteries to theoretical allegorical and phnemomas that people have heard to believe.