Aksar shab-e-tanhai main ~

Sleep would have been nice tonight.

I woke up after a nightmare. Actually, it wasn’t that nightmare-ish, but it felt like it should’ve been disturbing enough to make me disregard the idea of sleeping on the same bed where that slithering dream had awoken.

I have a Masters in disturbing dreams. One look at my subconscious; and the piping looks clogged, downright filthy. Why can’t I just deal with these things when awake? I deal with everything else while awake! It was a busy day today. One free day and I transform into Bree freaking Van de kamp. Wait, what have I asked for? I wouldn’t want those nightmares to subtly touch any part of my reality. That would be asking for a straight shot of insanity.

Three A.M. I’m awake. I remember drying my hair around 11:30 p.m. Well; we, sleep and I, had a good run.

Degradation was the most fearful part of this little dream. I gave in. There were no escape plans, no fights, not even a whimper against my demons. I was cornered and I agreed to all terms and conditions. I said, “okay”. Do I always say ‘ok’ when stumped? It seems that I do. Saying “okay” resolves everything. “Okay” is harmless enough; it’s the end of the conversation, the end of the fight, the end of individuality, the end of happiness; everything seems to start with an 'okay'.

Many-a-times, I’ve nodded and used the word ‘ok’, only to find a leaking trail that I’m leaving behind; a chunk of personality here, a blob of resentment there. It feels like that everyone has the tools to chip away at parts of me. Well, except for me. If only I could chip away these sleepless nights, hack away these fears, peel away and polish the sinister shavings of my subconscious, only then I might ... But I wouldn’t. Because then I wouldn’t be able to dream of him.