vastness

so i last seemed to find something that i had lost a long time ago, friends. And this time there is something genwine about it , been over and hanging out. Its funny how i write as if this is something new to man or i am describing the new events in my life to a best friend. Sad huh? CHOWK IS MY BEST FRIEND * sigh*. But something is better then nothing right, am feeling this vastness today. It hit like a wave today for some reason that i wish i could understand, i missed him today. GOD its been a long time.... its the more of the fact that he has someone. That is plainly it, and he decided to marry her not me. I didnt want to marry him, i mean we all want to marry someone we love right but at some point you know your not going to. Yeah he had me convinced that he wanted to at first but then i was never sure. i sure it say it alot that i wanted to but i also remember saying that i could marry anyone. And i can, it was just a really long time of being with someone and now being alone. Which definatly has its perks but when i am in the car passing life on the streets or leaving a friends place i suddenly feel alone.Wishing i had someone to call and not just anyone, that someone that you plan your future with or discuss solutions to problems.
I dont know, but Allah says 'dont look at what others have and be amazed by what they have that you dont have.Dont think that they have everything while they are enjoying this world with all the temporary benifits while you are struggling with the rights and the wrongs.Look at what you have and have had and try and understand it.'
i am trying.. i guess i am more angry then anything, probably jealouse as well right? jealous that its so easy for him cause he is an idot and falls in love with anyone and anything.
I hate today that i feel this wave agian.... i was great two days ago.but they say one day it stops and never comes back, i cant wait for that day when i am free from all of it.
Tonights a big night.... it could help the whole next year. Making all the right duas' well i am trying cause i know and accept the truth, but it always so hard to. if it was up to me i would be out or stuffin my self and watchin a movie cause thats what i really want to do. But i fight when i have to, and dont fight when i have to as well, being a stubborn brat. I have had an amazin life, grew up with the best education, flew around the world free! and have had the best of everything. i have alot to be thankful for... and i have great parents , no such tragdy that i cant live my life to the fulliest even now.

i just feel this vastness that i am trying to breath out.... hoping and praying for something or someone to fill so it stays that way.