Longing

Every so often, I feel that it will be helpful for me to write here on this blog a thing or two in a completely unguarded way about the things that I struggle with or spend a lot of energy on at the time. I've done it a couple of times before and there's a certain therapeutic value in it, so let me discuss the biggie - longing for love.

Now, I'm single but have not been single for a long time. I have no one to thank for my mistake cum could have been / thought about Husband but myself as these last years have been years of compromise and internal turmoil that was eating up my soul. Its not easy spending time with someone you can't be with. Actually one shudn't be with smone u can't be with but mistakes happen - its life i guess not fair but it is.

Relationships tend to put a lot of focus on accomodating to the partner's needs - which can be difficult when you don't know what your own are (How wud u at 19 but yeh at 25 the world does turn around). However, with most of my problems now being worked through, it's time to neutralize my perspective.

My life is full and very satisfying and everything seems to be going the right way. It's as if I were at a cross-roads, a rough, depressing landscape behind me and roads of opportunity shooting in all directions ahead of me into the promised land. My practice is deepening, I'm becoming ever more assertive at work, seeing opportunities all around, warming up to the idea of soon being charged with leadership for seeking youth, and discovering ever more facets of truth about myself and the world around me. What's around me looks beautiful - the air is crisp and the sun high in the sky - and there's noone here to see it with me. Truth is, I'm lonely sometimes.

And the questions just start piling up - am I too picky? Am I not looking in the right places? Don't I go out enough? Am I too weird? Do I give too much of myself too early? Should I try Internet dating? Do I need to be more promiscuous and less idealistic? Do I need to drop my idea of One Love?Or is it just lonely at the top?

Maybe or maybe not. As for being picky, if I have to "lower my standards" to the point that I get together with someone altogether unattractive again(not speaking physically) just for the sake of coupling up, I'd rather be single! But I'm not meant to be - not at this stage in my life. And that has little to do with the expectation of society (which labels you a loser if you haven't got it all figured out by 25 - what a loser society), this is my need.

So where are you, love? Where are you, kindred spirit? I'm looking for you - and you, I bet, are looking for me - waiting to dance the dance of Eternity, together as mere reflections of the divine.

Don't worry, I'll see you soon.