stand up routine for minhaj

So what else is happening during the week of Jugdement Day?

I grew up in a religious house, which is to say God was a player in our lives. No that's not the right word.. He was more of a sentence-completer. Like my parents would say, minhaj will become a doctor.. IF GOD WILLS IT! Now I liked that partnership between God and I. See, we both gotta work at it to make it happen, right? God and I (the musical). And all of you must agree that as a junior partner, i am entitled to sitting back a li'l and seeing how God does his thing. I mean I don't have any problems in donning a white coat (although light blue is really my color) and flirting with the nurses and collecting a paycheck. Hell I would even perform surgeries and write medical marijuana prescriptions to my friends. But if I have to give up my life to study for and pass the exam.. then God has a lot of WILLING to do. Because I WILL NOT pass that exam. I just will not.

As you might have guessed, I am not a doctor. No wait, maybe. Let's see.. rent is due Thursday and i don't have any money. NOPE, not a doctor! Now that we ALL agree (that I am not a doctor).. , I think we should also agree that it is not my fault. God and I and my parents had this understanding that in order to save lives (which is TOTALLY a God thing, cos I ain't responsible for cancer babies), minhaj will be taken to the promised land by God. BUT NO! My parents blame me. I say what about God?! What the hell is he doing bringing tsunamis in Asia when he could have just placed me in a hospital with hot nurses. Hell I would have even walked to the hospital.. if its a block away or something. But they judge ME! I say is there a judgement for God? Can we question him.. maybe. Like where was He that night when these two girls wanted to have threesome with me and then changed their mind as son as they entered my dump of an apratment? I hope on the Judgement Day we have a conversation as opposed to a one way interrogation by angels. Do you ever wonder what that day will be like? Will we be filling out judgement forms: please mark the number of children you think you may have fathered and then skipped town. OR # of medical marijuana prescriptions you wrote for personal friends. NONE motherfucker NONE! I never did become a doctor to write any of that shit. And BTW, angel Michael, here is a little form for God to fill out for me and don't be shakin' no wings at me you dickless freak!

I get angry sometimes..

But you have to wonder about the judgement day. I mean we know it will be like the day of the exam, when you had diarrhea plus you lost your wallet and everybody is staring at the patch on your groin and you are saying, no its just water man. I mean it will be terrible. We all know that. The lighting will be low because they are saving all the fuel for hell. Understandable. The temperature might be 75. That sounds just right. No music, I am guessing, but a lot of people chatting and peeing in their pants maybe. i dunno. It will be just another day I guess. what I am really looing forward to is the week of Jugement Day. Will there be a hellcoming party? I think it will be a lot of fun to throw a hellcoming party for Hitler and Saddam. And that has to be scheduled on a different day than the Judement Day. Cos you know a lot of people, lots of judgement. Unless God gives a us all a free pass and says, alright you all tried.. so you get to go to heaven. Actually that would piss off a lot of saints. Like mother Teresa and St Paul. Wow, I would like to see those two freak out. WE DID SO MUCH GOOD FOR NOTHING! WE WANT REVENGE! And then we get to out collective heaven and there is hitler doing his best Charlie Chaplin impression to make mother Teresa laugh.. but she is cutting her wrist to protest and shit.

But I digress. Maybe there should be a tour of heaven and hell two days before the judgement day.. just a look around. The temperatures of the fire in hell.. that should be prominently displayed or better still throw a marshmallow into the fires to demonstrate how fast it burns. It would be called the marshmallow test (IS ANYBODy WRITING THIS DOWN?) And of course during the tour there should be snacks like peanuts and marshmallows that people can either eat or throw in fire. And also, just a day before the Day of Judgement, the Devil should do a meet 'n greet. I dunno about u guys, BUT THAT DUDE I would like to meet. I think it will be terrible injustice for heaven dwellers to go to heaven without even having met the devil. And the devil doesn't have to get dressed in that horrible costume which makes him look like he is naked.... Oh you are saying he IS naked. See, I didn't know that. But why? why is he naked? The purpose of the pitchfork, I get that. It's just fun to carry around plus he likes to carry his dnner utensils. Personally I am not so sure about the cleanliness of the utensil in the restuarants. You know what I mean. Everyone puts the fork in their mouth and then others do it too. There's something not right there. So I am with the devil on this one. Carry your own eating utensils. In fact, I would be carrying a pitch fork around with me, if I didn't look like an Arab and wasn't viewed with suspicion in the first place.

Anyways, so what else is happening during the week of judgement day? I think it will be a godly idea to add to the miseries of the hellbound by having them meet the beautiful virgins of heaven. Nothing fancy, just a little pillow fight in bikinis kinda viewing session. No lesbian sex or nothin' BUT THAT WOULD BE NICEEEEEE! The hellbound would really be pissed man. I wouldn't wanna go to hell after that. Well, come to think of it. What the hell am I doing on stage mocking God and his schedule of events for the week of Judgement Day. I am sure someone is taking notes up there. God damn it. Oops. Alright folks, gotta go.. be born again. Please pray for my souls. The ride home is kinda dangerous. So long!