the struggle of knowledge

I feel crazy and out of control inside, while i am in my white clean and crisp uniform of life. The calming affect to what i wear and where i go to learn the lessons and guidence of life. I know am not the truth sitting there reading the most precious words and understanding the interpretations but i am trying. i Try EVERYDAY, every morning is a struggle to get up .... still. even after a year and one more to go until i go back to the world with all this knowledge. I am scared and will be more when the time is to go out and continue the realistic life. I crave my world to be as carefree as it use to... addictions and intoxications... love then pain but then someone new.

But it wont ever be the same... they say ignorance is bliss it maybe, but the stuggle with knowledge is better life they say. i do agreee but oh the stuggle is a struggle that will never end, it will get better, at times worse but always get better.

i crave things i left ... then started, then left and then started. i want to scream outloud , not disrespectfully, oh god please forgive me but when will it be my turn?