Some positive thoughts about Hinduism and its future

Enlightened by our common spiritual master, the exalted Sufi Saint Hurricane Bhai Sahib, my fellow Sufi in training, Kaal Bhayya and I have undertaken a difficult but worthy course of understanding truth, love, and goodness.

My dear Laddoo Laadla has requested me to go to Rajasthan, yet again, to seek the truth. I hope that he was referring to the noble land of Rajputs and not the sun-drenched parched location that is constantly presented as an alternative to heaven.

As a Sufi Muslim, I am taught that God is love and love is God and that we should all love God and his numerous creations - including Hindus. Of course, this is not the love that is practiced by the pedophile Bawarchi or the money-hungry and wife-peddling Brahmin, and it is definitely not the love of the flatulence-exhausting and flatulence-inhaling, foreskin-munching momina wanna bees in NYC.

This is the love of your enemas for which the right-wing hate-mongrels from the BJP/RSS/VHP/BD/JS/SP/SS/MNS killed the Mahatama and are now clamoring for the head of the Mahasufi, our own Kaal Bhayya.

I am definitely against war and I think that next to fighting over pussy, the most stupid reason for fighting is religion. There are plenty of both in the world to suit any taste.

Yes, in my attempt to reconcile my own Kshatriya Hindu ancestry and my deep love for the glory that was Hindustan, I have found many positive qualities about the Hindu philosophy:

One God is natural, but it's not bad to have several - just to share the load and spread the blame around. But come on, dear former coreligionists of mine, let's be reasonable. Look at the Cretans - they are moderates and have limited their worship to just three. I mean if we call every man, woman, child, rock, river, tree, rat, monkey, snake, and elephant divine, then what's so good about being really divine? Why even say Bag One?

I like my gods to have jiggy jiggy experiences but groping Gopis, chasing the Sri Lankans all the way to Adam's Bridge, teaming up with monkeys against humans, copulating with humans and animals, and directing arrows to kill humans in a battle are definitely display of conduct unbecoming Bag One behavior. Here I would recommend bringing back the Romans (I said Romans and not Greeks, mind you).

Also, I find the Hindu emphasis on Ahinsa very appealing. I only wish that they extended this compassion to human beings. Somehow, Gujarat 2002 and Modi's madness don't mix well with Hindu concepts of love, tolerance, and respect for all life.

I am all for vegetarianism. I applaud the Hindu appreciation for the cow and the wonderful milk it provides for the sustenance of many. But, please, control the emotions - protect the cow, but don't bathe in its urine and plaster your kitchen with bullshit, which should remain in the living rooms and conference rooms.

As a feminist, I support the concept of having female goddesses (I guess that's pretty redundant - like belts and suspenders, but I like to emphasize), but why should Durga Mai have so many severed heads in her possession? That could explain Indira Gandhi's behavior in East Pakistan and East Punjab - she wanted the heads of her enemas and even in death she caused much loss of life, Similarly, why is Kaali Maa the patron goddess of thugs, killers, thieves, and murderers?

I think that with these and other obvious rectifications (caste system, treatment of untouchables, respect for human life, etc..), Hinduism can be truly reformed into an ancient religion for the betterment of mankind's future.