Laai hayaat aaey, qaza lei chali chalay

It was a shocker; the sudden realization today of how little a control I possess over the most crucial aspects of my life. Well, may be it wasn’t all that sudden; for my mind, the conscious it, must have had this conviction somewhere at the back of its mind, the subconscious, otherwise all that pretext of submission-to-the-will-of-fate would be utterly inexplicable. I was neither born by my will nor shall I die, at least under normal circumstances, in the first place. I didn’t choose my parents. Heck, my consent wasn’t sought even when the chronographic and geographic details of my birth were being endorsed.

Then there is the minimal command I am able to exhibit over the significant elements as well as events of my life. I didn’t select my facial features, my height, my breadth, my complexion, my shoe size, my natural hairstyle and so on and so forth. My physical and mental capacities aren’t an outcome of my contemplation. I have least to do with the process of aging that I whined about in my last ilog, it comes naturally to me. Actually, come to think of it, I have even lesser to do with my most vital traits I mentioned there; my ability to (fall in) love or to hate, my contemplati-bility, and worst of all, even my sleeping habits. I am the kind who tends to be in complete command of his life, whether it’s the matter of choosing a profession or a partner. But again, doesn’t it all boil down to my mental and physical capabilities? And that’s where I had nil to contribute in terms of design. Hence, all that tension is merely pretension.

By the look of it, I possess more authority over other lives than mine. For instance, I can always choose to terminate another life whenever I may need or please. Homicide must undoubtedly appear a much easier and safer option than suicide, if one’s made to choose between the two. Actually a suicide blended with homicide apparently makes the former all the more purposeful and/or fun, rather than plain morbidity. I seem to have the right to control certain other births, those of my would-be children. I mean I can always opt for them not to be born, though I am not sure whether that’s akin to extending control over their life or their death.

Speaking of children, can’t I, by a careful selection of a spouse, pretty much manipulate their features according to my will? Still there’s no way I can warrant their ‘normal’ birth, with all features intact. While I’ll try and raise them with utmost care and consideration, I’d in no way be governing their every habit or their character and personality; these will all come to them naturally as they do to me.

My grievance is not the total control of my life or lack of it, for perhaps I do not really deserve it. I may not have been the best decision maker had I been the one in command, decision making again, being an innate characteristic; it’s all cyclic. All I am concerned about is the most direct consequence: I am bound to believe that if I am not the one in control, someone else is. And unless and until I track that someone down and snatch all the sovereignty, I am destined to succumb to fate.