Pakistan for Dummies

Bob, I have heard that after bringing freedom and democracy to Iraq and Afghanistan, the next US administration plans to bring the same freedom to Pakistan. Let me help you by telling you a little about my country. I am putting together a little guide for you, here’s a synopsis of what will be covered. You are the first one I am sharing my notes with.

Hisotry

Pakistan, a country carved out of the Indian sub-continent in 1947 still lives in the same region. The English ruled the region as part of the British Empire for 100 years (but came to India over a 100 years before that, slowly penetrating and undermining the other foreign rulers of India, the Moghals), (Bob YES you can say Mogul). The English left only as a result of the new order of Europe. After the Americans and Russians kicked some sense into central Europeans to stop them from their human barbeque bashes, the English deemed it suitable to leave India but not before chopping it into two. The reason given was that by doing so Muslims will have a homeland (NO Bob, Muslims were not homeless), pretty much like Israeli model, (NO Bob, not a fashion model) which was not put into place until the following year. You can say that the creation of Pakistan was a pilot project. Israel, Bangladesh, Czech Republic, East Timor, South Central LA, 5 out of Yugoslavia, are some of the nations that took inspiration by this experiment. There will certainly be many more to follow. Baluchistan (a state of Pakistan) is almost a separate country, rich in resources such as oil and gas, but without its own currency and post offices. Even after it becomes a separate country, it plans to stay in the region. (Bob, make a note about OIL.)

Founding Fathers

There lived two wise men - Gandhi and Jinnah. While Gandhi was more Indian than most Indians, Jinnah could outdrink the whitest amongst the White. In his demeanor and debonair sense of fashion, he was more White than Lord Mountbatten, better educated than His Majesty King George V, and certainly much better looking than Lord Kitchener. (Bob, don’t worry about these people. Trust me, it is not important.) Jinnah spoke Queen’s English (Yes Bob, Queen of England) unlike Gandhi, who couldn’t get his Ws straight from his Vs. Gandhi was a shy man, while Jinnah had no shame. Gandhi was a vegetarian and Jinnah indulged in all things meaty, yet maintained a slim carriage. Unlike Jinnah, Gandhi wore spectacles on both eyes, and lived in minimalist attire and slept full Monty even (and especially) when sleeping with the companions of the opposite sex. There is no evidence of Jinnah going commando in his bed. Jinnah is said to have had one or two brief affairs compared to Gandhi who just couldn’t do it even if he wanted to. But lets not get consumed too much into their personal details. Both were good men. They are both long gone. Let’s talk about Pakistan. (No Bob, Gandhi was not related to any other Indian Gandhis, and you are right, he was not a Sikh). (Yes Bob, some Muslims drink alcohol). (Yes Bob, Jinnah was a stud, and NO Gandhi was not a homo).


Occupiers

As mentioned earlier, Pakistan is a country separated from India when the English were packing up after ripping the whole place up into tatters. They were like a hotel guest who stuffs his suitcase with Hotel towels, empties the free minibar, and even takes the silver that comes with room service and leaves the room like a pigsty. This was the antonym of the Tea Party that you guys threw for them in Boston. They did it to us. It was “our Tea� and “their Party�. The English were very bad people. They were so bad that left without paying their bill. Both Indians and Pakistanis sent their outstanding bills to a collection agency, but nothing came out of that. Indo-Pak (Bob, there’s no such thing as Canado-US) spent more money on collection efforts than the debt they wished to collect. The disputed territory of Kashmir (a departing present of the English to both India and Pakistan) keeps both countries occupied and motivated to spend a lot of their resources in developing state of the arts weaponry. (NO Bob, Kashmir is not a sweater. English didn’t leave us no sweaters. You are thinking Cashmere.). With the grace of Allah (that’s our God), Pakistan is a nocelar power now. (Yes Bob, it is the same Allah that all Muslims worship, Yes including Mr. Bin Laden, and Yes including Muslims living in the US, and even in Canada and Taiwan.)

Leftover

When the English were leaving, they left some of their friends in the area so their legacy continues, even if their rule is no longer. These people were given huge tracts of land; a few of them own lands that are bigger than State of Alabama (No Bob we don’t have Alabama in Pakistan – your Alabama). The land was given basically as a token of appreciation for a 100-year service to the Queen and the Country. (Yes Bob, Queen of England). While the Indian side took away land from the affluent and gave it to more deserving peasants, the Pakistani side took the lands from small peasants to add it to the Friends’ lands under the presumption that “bigger is better�. (Yes Bob, we also have rednecks).

Independence

On the governance side, nothing really changed. India has had a pretty good success with governance and relatively smooth transfer of power after periodic elections. Pakistan has also been successful with making sure that government keeps switching between the Army and the Civilians, so that equilibrium is maintained. Even though it may appear that the two bring different ideology to governance, they do not. Both are actually “friends� of the English. Every friend family has two sons, one joins the Army the other drops out of high school and becomes a Politician. This model has been very successful and it gave world the concept of “keeping it in the family�. (No Bob, Bush attended Yale and Harvard). Like any family, there are little differences now and again, but at the end of the day, they make up in the dark, and after the sunset hands are shook, hugs are bestowed, bodies are squeezed to keep the warmth, scotch is shared, and good old sense of brotherhood is kept maintained. As far as the public is concerned, they are kept busy with finding genuine (and not counterfeit) medicine for their diabetes, hypertension, Hep-C; keeping busy with making ends meet; keeping busy with inflation, education, and staying cool during sweltering heat of summer months. Yes Pakistan has summers and winters, also fall (we call it autumn) and spring. (Yes Bob, there are lobbyists in Pakistan. Excellent question, dude!)

Pastime

Pakistanis are also very adventurous people. According to a recent survey of engineering undergraduate students, over 97% indicated a desire to see the world. USA appeared to be the most desirable place to visit, followed by Canada, Australia, Georgia, or any other country that is connected by air. (Bob, NO. Not all Pakistani engineering students study nucelar chemistry, may be only a few. Don’t be so paranoid.)

Religion and God

Finally, a few words about faith and belief systems of Pakistanis. Pakistan, as I mentioned earlier is a country for Muslims, so Muslimism is the state religion. Within the main religion, there are a few branches (like in Christianity) but two are the dominant ones: Soonis and Sheas (not pronounced as “She As� but as “She Aaas�). They both look the same. (NO NO NO Bob, they don’t beat their chests to distinguish themselves from Soonis. What do you mean you saw that on CNN??). During their holy month which changes every year (Of course Bob Sheas use calendars) they wear black as a sign of mourning. Their leader was killed by Soonis some 1500 years ago in a far far place; they know how to hold a grudge, that’s why Americans will never win a war against Sheas of Iraq (YES Bob YES, it’s the same Iraq of Saddam Hosin. No, Saddam was not a Shea, but good guess). (Let’s move on goddammit).

Soonis outnumber others in Pakistan by like 8 to 1. That can be explained by the amount time Sooni men spend with their wives. They have pretty admirable family values and they value close relationships. They make friends very easily. I have at least 3 Sooni friends, and I am not even a Sooni. (Yes Bob, when you go there you can also be their friend). (Bob, have you ever seen a Sooni in your life? I don’t believe you, Bob. I am sure you have seen one). (That’s right Bob, Jose Padilla is a Sooni). (No Bob, we don’t have Hispanics in Pakistan).

Minorities and Sports

Now briefly about minorities. There are at least two dozen religious minorities in Pakistan. The largest, around 4 million, is Christians – (roughly split between Catholics and Protestants). They primarily live in urban areas, but in villages as well. They are not allowed to play Cricket (a game like baseball) in Pakistan unless they convert. Ahmadiyas are another sizable minority; they are confined primarily to one town in Punjab, but with communities in other cities as well. They split up with Soonis after they crowned their own miss universe some 140 years ago. Generally, they are good people, and don’t like to fight. They are pretty good in particle physics. Their operational headquarters are in England. They moved their HQ there after an invitation from the Queen of England. (YES Bob, Ahmadiyas are allowed to play Cricket but only first class). (Yes Bob there are classes of this Cricket, and even poor people can play First Class Cricket but not Test cricket). (NO Bob, Test Cricket is an Actual game and not just a Test game). (Goddammit it is not called a Paddle. It’s a BAT that I would like to shove up your ass you moron). (You know I am just kiddin Bob.) (YES Bob a Wicket is a piece of Wood as well as the Pitch where Cricket is played). (Bob NO, we don’t Pitch a Pitch (don’t think Pitching a Tent). (Pitch stays on the ground, it is also called the Wicket). (NO! that wicket stays put in the field. And what do you mean by that, of course players sleep at night during 5 day Test match, they only play in daylight). (BOB. BOB… of course there are floodlights but Cricket is usually played during the day, unless it is played at night.) (BOB BOB forget it, you will never be able to figure it out. Let’s just say that Cricket is not for Americans). (You can teach them Baseball when you bring your democracy and freedom there. OK?)

Cuisine

No introduction to a country is complete without its’ food. Like other people, Pakistanis love to eat. They have one of the best cuisines found anywhere in the world. Unlike in India, Pakistanis eat cows. Out of respect they refer to it as “Big meat�. Goats and sheep also command some respect, but only “little�. Chicken is, you know, chicken. Except for swine, all meats are eaten. Food is spicy, curries can be watery, and lentils are cooked in different styles. Grilled and fried meats are popular. (No Bob it is not like Mexican food. It is different). (When you order a meal, ask for extra Mirchi). (No Bob it is not like Mariachi music, but it will certainly make you dance).

That is a brief intro to Pakistan. My country.

Bob, now that you are an expert on Pakistan, and you know what it is like, may I suggest that you please don’t bother us; let us be. You are big and powerful, we are not. However, if you still try to butt in, we can assure you a good fight. We will be your Vietnam ver.2.0. Think nocelar. (Bob, no we are not Communists, you idiot). (You don’t have to be a communist to not like bullies). (Yes Bob, we can still be friends even if we don’t like the same things). Please put that gun down, we don’t need that to go out for a drink. Bob, you are the only one I know who kills flies with a semi-auto. You are going to hurt someone some day. Remember how you accidently shot the mailman. (Bob, it is not nice to call him that. The poor guy is dead for crying out loud, and everyone gets bills that they owe).