The subtle “fuck you”s of a politically correct society

The subtle “fuck you”s of a politically correct society

When I was I teenager I was sent by my parents to boarding school in England for a short while. I was always wary of racism since I had experienced throughout my life living abroad. Somehow, the Europeans and North Americans are just so much better at saying fuck you than others such as Saudis or Pakistanis. They come from a politically correct society where its not polite to say what you really mean in such a straight-forward manner…the message must be delivered via the subtle innuendo detour.

The Brits are the worst in my experience…..even the principal of my school often passed racist remarks to foreign students like myself. One of their favorite lines was, “that’s not the way we do things here”. That’s usually meant to let you know that you’re an outsider and unaccustomed to doing things the RIGHT WAY. Ah yes, ethnocentricity is very popular among these people and if you’re not doing what they’re doing, well then they’ll just have to keep hinting at how “unique” or “fascinating” your part of the world is. Another very popular gimmick is to discuss values with foreigners living in the West. They like to ask if you drink, whether you date, what you think about how “they” treat women, how you like it “back there” and which place you prefer….etc etc. Of course, the majority among us who go there usually get intimidated and pretty much start agreeing with everything the gora says and we do the, “hey, I’m just like you” routine. Make no mistake, we have just been given some major FUCK YOUs there, but because it’s a politically correct society and they do have the burden of civilizing us monkeys, they prefer to deliver their message in softer, more palatable words that the intimidated immigrant can readily lap up like the good little boy that he is.

In Canada, they have another term; its called being a “Munjee Cake” or a “Caker”. True blue Canadians and Jews will usually ask immigrants like myself about our values and tell us that if we want to be successful we have to become munjee cakes. That basically means we have to become as white as pound cake, i.e. abandon your values and adopt ours. They always made it a point to tell me as a young businessman rubbing shoulders with the big shot Canadians that I had to be willing to drink, date, lose any form of accent, and bring my girlfriend to all events, introduce my family who should also act the same, etc etc. However, they never just said it directly….there was always a round about way of giving us the FUCK YOU.

Since I had always lived among goras, and because I was always unreasonably confident of my standing, my approach was to give the fuck you right back to them. When I moved back to Pakistan I never thought that I’d be seeing the same situation here. So here I am at a small gathering of the self-appointed “Civil Society” who have been called by the German Consul General. The purpose of our get together is that some scholars from Germany are here and they want to talk to civil society about Islam, women, and other issues. The moment I heard what the subject was, I knew it was going to be all about that subtle FUCK YOU again.

So here we are sitting together in the living room of our host’s house and all these “high society” people are there too along with our German scholar dudes. So as is typical in Pakistan, we start out with refreshments and there is a little bit of chaos as people start grabbing their grub. I found it really funny how the Germans didn’t even have to approach people….there were plenty just waiting humbly in line hoping for the chance to introduce themselves and say a few words about what they think. I’m standing close by so I can hear one of the German women talking to an idiot from the family that owns MCB, and this guy is stuttering like an idiot and while the lady is talking about politics in Pakistan…this guys keep rambling about his family business and how well entrenched they are and how he REALLY knows what’s happening in Pakistan. I know this guy, and I’d be surprised if he knew his head from his ass. It was totally hilarious how these people were just lining up to lick the German boots….My God man…take it easy…she’s just a fucking writer who happens to be German damn et! Anyway, so the Germans decide that they’ve had enough snacks and they decide to sit down to start the discussion. Immediately we have a few people who line up as marshals for these guests of ours and start telling everyone to sit down so we can start the degrading of our collective self-esteems. I purpose sit right across the main German who was there because I knew that I was going to have to step in and rescue this older generation from humiliating themselves too much.

So the first thing that our German scholar does is start out by talking about how dangerous Pakistan is and how she is afraid to even travel here. She was telling us about how many people died in Swat and so on. Then she told us that Newsweek called Pakistan the most dangerous place on Earth. Immediately we had several elder gentlemen who started agreeing with her and saying that the situation has indeed gotten bad…..so on. There was a second of silence in which I saw my opportunity so I burst out laughing and said, “well you know, I happen to think that Mogadishu is most dangerous place on Earth” …in other (more doublespeak) words, “well FUCK YOU too your Excellency Mr German Consul General, Sir”...dead silence again…….hey…I thought that was funny. And by the way, that’s not quite a striking FUCK YOU from the German lady to all of us and I guess I’m the only one that felt that that was the message behind the smile and question. Guess nobody shares my dry sense of humor…so anyways…they go on.

She starts talking about the treatment of women. One uncle who obviously suffers from a deeply embedded colonial complex said, “you know, Islam says that you have to treat all four of your wives equally in every respect, which is impossible, therefore Islam prohibits polygamy and the world has misunderstood this. There are many extremists who are ignorant and interpret things anyway they want”…That’s right Mr H, lets just bend over and take it in the ass. I’m sure that God placed these wonderful catch 22’s in religion where things are only permitted under impossible circumstances. Way to look like an even bigger idiot, you just answered her FUCK YOU with a “YES, FUCK ME”! I personally would not have become defensive and told her to put things in perspective rather than try to be judgmental in an ethnocentric way. I would have put her on the defensive about divorce and other issues in Western society….but hey….I just prefer to answer a FUCK YOU with another FUCK YOU TOO.

Anyways, then the next boot licking ceremony came with their question about secularism. So again, another one of the lost generation gets up and says, “Islam is secular. You see, you cannot force Islam on anyone, and therefore Islam can never be in the government and is a completely secular religion”. I gasped thinking, HOLY SHIT…this old man can really swallow the whole cock and balls without blinking an eye. I wonder if anyone in this bhayghayrat get together even realizes what is actually being exchanged here is a series of FUCK YOUs between our society and Germans and the fact that most of this lost generation didn’t get it reinforced those Germans’ view that we are still a group of fuck ups who they can push around. I decided to intervene and said, “Islam is a complete way of life and there is no room for secularism in Islam. You people have built your “Secular” society on Judao-Christian principles and we will build our society on the principles that we see fit. I don’t see why the west should think that they have the right to tell us that our society HAS TO BE SECULAR. That frankly seems ethnocentric and intolerant.” AH HAA….FUCK YOU GERMAN DUDE….FUCK YOU!!!!! German dude, “Well, no no….we don’t say anything of the sort….we just think that in our experience that religion has its limits and you may find that you have to explore outside to find the answers”….That’s right motherfucker! Put that tail between your legs and run like the between-the-lines-speaking son of a bitch you are!!

Then one of them asks about Ahmadis. They ask whether we feel that they are Muslim and how we treat them in Pakistan. Again, the lost generation who don’t like little things like facts to get in the way of their licking some colonial master balls, they got up to tell everyone how Ahmadis should be given full status as Muslims and nobody has the right to judge, blah blah blah. Ufff….what a bhayghayrat, I’ll bet he’s even willing to declare Hindus as Muslims if the goras would call him tolerant for it. I then put up the question, “Do Ahmadi’s consider the rest of us to be Ahmadis? How about considering us Muslims?” Dead silence……then someone of some respect, a retired Navy Admiral to the rescue….”you know, this young man is right. There should be no compulsion to declare Ahmadi’s Muslim and I wonder why this is of any interest to our German guests. As far as their treatment is concerned, I can tell you that they are doing as well in Pakistan as anyone else.” Ah yes…Thank you Sir…you make me proud of our Armed Forces!!

The German Consul General then says, “You know, we believe that Islam is a peaceful religion. However, this Salafi form of Islam coming from Saudi Arabia is very dangerous and we should all watch out for it”. I was totally shocked! YOU MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!!!!! I then let him have it, “Sir, I am very surprised to hear you say something so intolerant and contradictory of your own stated values. You just asked us to defend our treatment and inclusion of a tiny minority (i.e. Ahmadis), but you see no problem in making such an awful comment about Salafi’s who by the way are Sunnis who represent the MAJORITY OF MUSLIMS. You want us to protect the minorities while oppressing the majority? And for you to feel that you can say something like that is a symptom of intolerance towards the majority of Muslims.” Now that we had both dispatched with subtle FUCK YOUs, he was totally red in the face and didn’t know what to say. Straight-forward truth is not a language these racist Rumsfeldian double-speakers know how to speak.

So now that I have them feeling uncomfortable about their game having been discovered….this Paki is not going to get defensive and take lectures from you………I decide to go on the offensive. Mr German Consul General Sir, why do you think it is fair to insult our Prophet (SAW) in cartoons and call it free speech? What the set up there….he has no idea what he about to step into. “Well, you know we cherish values such as freedom of expression and freedom of speech” Oh wow Mr German CG, I heard violins when you spoke of freedom and the European way. “Sir, how about passing a law that states that denying of the holocaust is a crime? You have locked people up in Germany for even questioning how the holocaust happened. I don’t understand this contradiction in your values of Freedom of expression and speech” Hahahaha FUCK YOU!!! The German Consul General turns red and I can see he is seriously pissed off about being put in this position. German CG, “Well you know there are some events in our history that are so horrible that we have made them exceptional”. Mr, “Right right, of course, that was just horrible…..Sir, how many people have to die before an event becomes unspeakable? Is it a million, or is it two million, or maybe 5? I say that because Iraq so far has seen over 1.5 million deaths, while the Bolshevik revolution in Russia killed over 15 million, and the Afghan-Soviet war saw several million deaths also….so do any of these meet the criteria of being unspeakable? And how does that bode for freedom of expression and speech if so many important events in human history become unquestionable and unspeakable?” I think these German guests of ours are seriously annoyed with me now…but I think it serves them right to come here to our country to give us their subtle FUCK YOUs. My only disappointment is the lost generation who totally missed the initial volley of subtle barbs being exchanged, and therefore really didn’t get what happened in the end.