The Break up or not

I hate you with every fiber of my being. Yet deep down inside I know that my love for you is immense. I keep my extreme emotions for very few people, one to be exact. So over the years I have become used to the pendulum of my feelings about you. One day you are my hero, the knight in shining armor, the fulfillment of my desires; while on another day I cannot bear to be in same room as you. I have a suspicion you feel the same way about me.

We kept on treading this path called life, sometime together and sometime apart. Are we in a relationship? I have asked so many times, the answer is utter confusion. That’s what you get with one marriage, several separations and equal number of reconciliations with the same person. Finally with a divorce I thought I had found the answer that no we are not in a relationship. But that’s not true either. Our relationship is a bind that just won’t go away.

We both need to move on, but do we really want to. The other day a met a cute guy at my parent’s place, he had such kind eyes, and seem genuinely interested in me and what I had to say. Do you hear there is somebody who actually was interested in what I was saying? I wanted to like him, I really did. But I just couldn’t get past the chit chat. He called later and wanted to go for coffee and I made such a good excuse, he hasn’t called since. Why I ask myself, I am free, and I hate you so why do I sabotage my chances of finding love again.

So I found out you took your co-worker out for dinner; and don’t get me wrong I wasn’t stalking you, it’s just that we have too many common friends. I have been waiting with bated breath about the outcome of that dinner, I hate it that I am keeping tabs on whether you will find new love or not. I want to move on, and I want to break up, but this time the person who needs to let me go is I.