The End

Chapter 1:

"The harder we try to define ourselves, the weirder things get between us. Have you ever thought of that?"

"What do you mean?" he asked, moving my hair out of my eyes. "Just think about it", I said,” we keep thinking that binding ourselves in a relationship with a name will help us figure things out, but what’s happened? It’s just getting weirder with us, this is not friendship-this is not love..."

"Maybe its not weirder, maybe this is what is normal, and what we had in the past was weird?” he says, lighting up his cigarette and taking a deep drag.

I turn and look at him, sitting in the sunlight, drawing deeply on his cig, yet looking at me intensely, testing if I’m willing to believe in his view of normal and weird. "Jaan", I whisper, "is this normal? this longing, and yet this desire to break free?"

And then he looks at me, and this thought flashes in my head, eternity-this moment, me and you, caught in yearnings and desires, as memories of forgotten wishes and broken promises vanish.

And then I start wishing. Wishing there was a way I could make this moment last forever. Wishing there was a way I could rewrite my past, and rewrite my future, and ensure that I would stay with this man forever, this man who means more to me than life itself. But deep inside I know we’d end up hurting each other, and eventually destroying each other. And then destroying anyone else who came in our lives in the not so distant future. Quite an interesting pattern of self destruction you might think.

Here’s the story. We’d been in love once. Some centuries ago. Or maybe it was some minutes ago? Despite not being in love we still held onto each other, and didn’t fall in love with anyone else. I kept myself away from love on purpose-it scared the crap out of me. Still does, this power to hurt someone. To please someone. Too scary for a person like me who believed that caring for someone was anathema.

His unwillingness to fall in love was a fear of getting destroyed. He’d been destroyed in the past, and he couldn’t bear to destroy anyone else. So he kept moving away from anyone who came close to him, who felt for him. Before they left him, he’d leave them. And so the pattern of destruction continued...

"Desires, longings-bull****. Just all in your head. And the more you think about us like this, the more dangerous it’ll get for you", he stated, crushing his burning cigarette stub with his shoe.” Define dangerous. Because we, as an entity have always been dangerous. I think we should have a sign board affixed to us: Keep away or get burnt", I mocked. He started laughing and then his friend called on the cell phone. He laughed on the phone at a comment his friend made and the sound of his laughter made me go back into time...

December 25th 2002:

Laughing together on the stairs of his house, and then suddenly making the fatal mistake (or was it the best thing I’d ever done?) of looking into his eyes. And seeing love. Melting brown eyes. Was it love or just a passing moment of desire? Ill never know. We’ll never know.

Chapter 2:

Rain. Karachi in July. Flooded streets with Corollas and Civics stranded alongside. Reading Kartography and Zeeshan Mehmood. Listening to Signal to Noise and feeling the magic of the Ustad’s voice. Secretly I hate the rain. I read an entry in my diary...

February 2003:

Rain falls. Droplets staining the windows. Water streaming down. Like tears? Or the wrath of God?

Desperation is what I feel. I have never hated the rain more. It mocks me. Each drop of water from the sky like tears falling from my eyes.

The entire world is bathed in darkness. The only light comes from the glow of the moon. Even that glow seems melancholy.

I felt like playing in the rain. Dancing in the rain. But that symbolizes happiness. And it seems like centuries ago that I was happy.

I feel like screaming at the heavens. But who do I scream at? Is there someone listening? If there is someone listening then why do I hear the echoes of someone weeping? Or was that the sound of my own misery?

In all the story books rain symbolizes cleansing of the soul. I stand in the rain. Feel the water soak my clothes. Feel rain dripping down my face. But my soul just seems more impure. My heart grows heavier. I feel more alone. There has to be some place where I can find peace. Where is that place?

As the rain falls more rapidly I think back to that night when I lost you. Each minute of that day is frozen in my memory and try as I might, I can never erase that memory.

Now I truly understand why death is final. Because I will never see you again smiling at me.

I miss you maa.

..........

I close the diary, and wonder what happiness is. And what sadness is. And remember nights when I came close to suicide, and yet each time I pulled back from the brink. My jaan. My reason for living. If I am alive today, it is because of him. I breathe deeply in the cool air blowing, and exhale deeply. Feel raindrops on my face, mingled with tears, remembering when I told him I’d kill myself...

there’s no love in fear says:
if im dead 2mro
madness says:
huma..
theres no love in fear says:
dont blame urself
madness says:
if u do anything bad!
theres no love in fear says:
to kiya karloge?
theres no love in fear says:
haan?
madness says:
i will actually kill myself..
madness says:
yes i will..
madness says:
i am not lying..
madness says:
u know how intense i can be when it comes to just me..
madness says:
so do it
theres no love in fear says:
fine
madness says:
if i am just thinking about myself..
madness says:
then what are u doing ?
madness says:
thinking about just urself?
madness says:
nothing about me
theres no love in fear says:
haan im selfish
theres no love in fear says:
u will get ur peace
theres no love in fear says:
widout me around
madness says:
everyone is
madness says:
if u do something bad huma...
madness says:
it wont be peace
madness says:
believe me..
theres no love in fear says:
u dont love me anymore

He had called me after that. Begged me for hours. I wasnt convinced..then I heard the sound of him crying, and I snapped back. Do you ever feel disjointed, as if someone took over you and all rational thinking, as if you’re in a shell? The sound of him crying broke my shell, my walls. And I threw away the blade, the death weapon. Decided to live-sounds like a cliché doesn’t it? But it took months for my suicidal tendencies to fade away. But each time I came close to it, I thought of how he’d react. And I couldn’t bear the knowledge that I’d be destroying him again.

Jaan. The very word brings back memories and longings. Do you have to be in love to use that term of endearment? We always said that we were the same person. Scratch the surface of our personalities, and you’ll find twin souls.

Chapter 3:

Rain rain rain. Seems like the entire city has been flooded. Another rainy night like all others this month. Karachi resembles Venice-an unromantic Venice like my friend likes to say. Karachi is depressing in the rains. Depression settles in like the black clouds in the sky.

Suddenly the phone rings. It’s him. And he tells me all about her. His true ’love’. How he’d always loved her. Had never loved anyone else. Not even me. And I listen, in shock, tears falling down silently, washing away all those hopes, dreams, what ifs. Feel glad that he can’t see me, can’t see me weeping for the waste of my life, my love, my dreams.

I don’t love him anymore. But it still hurts. The memory still burns. Rankles at me. He tells me his hopes of marrying her, and I wish I had never picked up the phone. My hopes die while his take birth. Life does feed on life. "I must move away”, I think. I try to get away and he stops me. Says I’m a part of his life.” Please don’t go away", he begs, "I still need you". I look at him, and say, "You will never need me again." And I smile sadly and walk away. Forever.

The End.