Well my sense of humanity has gone down the drain
Behind every beautiful thing there’s been some kind of pain
She wrote me a letter and she wrote it so kind
She put down in writing what was in her mind
I just don’t see why I should even care
It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there
Never sleep for wanting hours
The empty hours of greed
And uselessly
Always the need
To feel again the real belief
Of something more than mockery
If only I could
Fill my heart with...
I sit and listen dreamlessly
A promise of salvation makes me stay
Then look at your face
And feel my heart pushed in
As all around the children play
I stand and hear my voice
Cry out
A wordless scream at ancient power
It breaks against stone
I softly leave you crying...
I cannot hold what you devour
The sacrifice of penance
In the holy hour



March 4, 2006
304am
sat.

so it says
so say goodbye
ill say goodbye
say good bye
please say goodbye
in the song
repeated in my ears so high

blaring out the world, the construction out side
the voices of my babies.
The whispers of mom and apa I will never know.
I just know that she belongs no more to me
Or this family.

Numbing the daily, same lecture. Keeping quiet usually but not lately… I open my heart at times, hoping shell understand.

I know I just pleaded for you Allah, to just show me the way!! Tell me because I am so lost in this stage in this test.
So a caterpillar, I use to love and collect to become butterflies… then then letting them go.

Why out of no where I can imagine or understand how there was not catterpliller when I came here…. And not realy to be found.

Why is it that there is one I suddenly one that hangs from my lab top at this moment…….. I am lost lying on the cold tiles between my room and the lou. I try to stay outside, sitting at the edge making sure not to enter that part of life again. Although it has turned that fear into a fight.

March 4, 2006
Saturday
710pm

I couldn’t write anymore last night….
Was it a dream, was in a nightmare, was it sign from you allah?
Why …. Did I really see that caterpillar…. And if I did where it go.. I looked everwhere I swear I was staring at it. It was there but why! Is like the date you dropped from the tree during Isa aslasalms birth. Do you do it to show me you were still around.

Trippin all over alone… feelings that never matched up to what you had gave me the real feeling of love of E.
Then .. just then I remember bits and pieces of a death, my mother was speaking about of the morning.
Putting the bits together to find the puzzle that I knew but I chose to not listen, yet I knew the details.

Razia Aunties partner, a love, a friend, the person , the only reason to live when all has been done and the years pass.
Pass until the end together, to die together or at least to spend those days of the end.
I feel as if I lost my father today.
A day late I realize it
803

March 5, 2006
Sunday
4:40 am

I did what I had to do,
What happens every time before they leave
They leave with grief I have afflicted upon them
But they don’t leave of suspicious conspiracy
but of an overwhelming strength.

I softly leave you crying...
I cannot hold what you devour
The sacrifice of penance
In the holy hour
Azzzzim

Today I left another softly crying
Crying away pain of penniless dignity
Why, why, why why
WHY?
Teardrops of my confession
Drops on my fires
Fires that still remain, but come out strangely to free me
A whisper in the ear, putting out a fire
Punishment in my heart.. soul
Leading to my dead end road.
Once again I am left hurting another
All the had to offer was his love, his strength to reach out
To where I stand…. But to get me he must love his strength,
Find the rope of his struggle to climb, pleaseeeee forgive me,
Maybe someday youll know and come get me…. I wait for my time now alone with or without you.