came home agian

I haven’t written in the longest time since the day I turned myself in, turned myself in to allah, returned is more what It really is. Really to what to was that day 3 weeks and 3 days ago. Friday it was that I returned home from where I spent my first night after so long… so long you cant imagine that I slept a whole night. Alone I spent it… I chose to I looked right into the eyes of mother, eyes filled with love that I had lost for so long, love that I loved for so long that I denied. I shudder as I think about how I did it, I know how much she wanted to hold me the whole night through but we had been through this and once again would not work.
I came here on my own I had gone missing by myself without telling, lost myself into dimensions of this world no one will know nor or feel. I hurt myself again and again to become as they say a whore. A whore in the way of what one must do in order to do the job required, heartless but with a full heart in the moment. A whore I will never call myself in that physical matter but in the psychic matter of ones soul. I had become a numb sack of bones yet power of a bull, rage to conquer no matter what I encountered with the strength of 10 men.
I weighing 71 pounds, height 4 ft 10 inches I managed to get myself places I would never think I would ever see, but I dreamed about. Imagining in my sleepless nights I would conquer all but be left in tears in the last hrs of the morning wondering what the hell I was doing awake… why would I not sleep , why I didn’t allow myself to. What did I wait for, what did I want at the end because every night I was left all alone with some hope and every morning … with nothing but my tears in a bag.

Tears in a bag I once carried to give to one who could hold me, take the bag slowly from hand. He would pry away each rope that it tangled around my skinny wrist , that left bloody scabs, each finger he lifted with silence gently assuring me to let him take this bag of tears.
But as time passed these tears of mine grew over night into many bags that I myself could not carry. No matter how much I tried to carry them as I traveled to get some where I could leave them or some one to take them … they just began to fall. I would watch how they began to slip then slowly as if in slow motion fall on to the ground , my tears splattered everywhere. Suddenly to see someone else just pass over them as if they where gutter water people with swerve through in there cars or avoid to not step in the messy puddle. The story of my life suddenly got worse…. Until now, until I can now just write about it being there back into that shudder of life, but this time knowing I am out of it.
This is only the beginning, never the end inshallah.
April 17, 200 6
Monday 1124 pm
21st day