Tne Inspiring Life of a Swadeshi Hero (served with Shuddh Deshi Ghee)

A film/one act play

Characters:

1. Bhabhootmal Sisodia, a lawyer turned entrepreneur. He is about 70 years of age, tall and bald and speaks in a loud and medium pitched voice, typical of Indian film actors

2. Kudrat Devi, Bhabhootmal’s wife, an environmental activist. She is about 60, wears starched khadi saris and keeps smiling at everyone, no matter what they do or say

3. Dinshaw Mistry, Bhabhootmal’s partner in his law firm. A Westernised Parsi, he stands in complete contrast to Bhabhootmaal with his crisp white shirts over black trousers and shining black shoes. His eyes seem to pierce into the faces of whoever he speaks to and he rarely smiles

4. Perumal Munisiddhalingam, a good friend of the first three characters

5. Maqbool Gaur Dabaja also known as Mack, another good friend of the first three characters

6. Mahagajalakshmi Shanmugavadivelu, a woman minister in the Indian government

7. Bhuchak Shukla, television anchor

Members of a studio audience

Scene: A talk show format. A studio, like the Doordarshan sets of the Indian version of Here Is Your LIfe. Bhabhootmal is seated on a plush sofa wearing a silk shirt and a dhoti. Shukla is standing up with a microphone in his hands. He wears a suit.

Shukla: Bhabhootmalji, when did you realise that you had no reason to feel bad about your name?

Bhabhootmal: It was while getting my head shaved at Tirupati that I saw the light. (He beams) What difference would it have made if I changed my name to Bhoochakravarthy or Bhagwat Chandradas? Like the hair that I was donating to god, I also decided to accept the name that he had made my parents give me

The audience claps and one old lady folds her hands

Shukla: Was that when you met your wife, Kudrat Deviji?

(Kudrat Devi comes in. She wears a plush silk saree and half a kilogram of jewelry. T%he audience applauds as she comes in and sits by her husband, beaming as well)

Bhabhootmal:It is ironic how different we were at the time. My wife’s name was Sharmila Devi but she was very concerned about the environment even in those days, when it was not fashionable. She had read an article by Mahatma Gandhi on the subject and she decided to change her name when I was not going to change mine. She, too, was at Turupati, praying to god to show the world the folly in damaging the environment. We met in a divine place and came together in holy matrimony.

(The audience applauds and one elderly lady closes her eyes, folds her hands and sways as if in prayer at a satsang)

Kudrat Devi: Bhuchakji, when I saw Bhoot, as I affectionately call my husband (the audience laughs and clap their hands) I wondered how such a handsome man had shaved his head. I realised what an intensely religious person he must be. It is said that god acts on the prayers of those who have most faith in him, and I realised then and there that I ahd to marry this man

Bhabhootmal: After that, every year I would go there and shave my head and get something new from god. I think that when one removes their hair, the inspiration comes directly into the brain because there is nothing to stop it (The audience applauds even louder and the lady who has her hands folded gets up and sways before she is pulled down)

Shukla: But why has god not answered your prayers yet? Would you know why?

Bhabhootmal: You see, he works in mysterious ways. These days, we are definitely becoming more and more aware of pollution. Who but god could be responsible for it? (Both he and Kudrat Devi beam and the audience applauds again)

Shukla: Bahbhootmalji, please tell us how you became a lawyer

Bhabhootmal: It was at the same time that I decided not to change my name. After shaving my head, I had to have a bath in the temple tank. The water was very cold and as I went in, I realised that this was because of the laws of Nature. What is Nature? It is an act of god. So, I decided that though I could not work for nature - my wife would be doing that - I would work for the laws of my country. Someone had to bring in some income. God has been good. I am well off as you can see

Kudrat Devi: He had just completed his BA and that is why he had gone to give up his hair. After this, he went back and did his LLB and later his LLM (The audience applauds again)

Shukla: And then you formed your partnership with your dear friend, Mistryji?

(Dinshaw Mistry comes in. A girl in the audience gasps with her hand over her mouth as if she has seen a rock star)

Mistry: (Sitting down on a sofa) What a pleasure to be here, Shuklaji. I am honoured that you have invited dear Bhoot

(The audience laughs)

Shukla: Mistryji, you are a lawyer like Bhabhootmalji. How did you become educationists?

Mistry: You see, the many paedophilia cases that we handled saw the church in a bad financial position and it was forced to sell some of it’s property. Bhoot and I had both been students at a Catholic school. As a matter of fact, that was where we first met

Shukla: This is news to me and it must be news to our audience

(The audience shouts Yay...)

Mistry: So we approached our old school and told them that if they wanted we would donate our money to them so that they would not go broke

Shukla: So, you defeated them in the courts and then donated them money so that they could survive?

Mistry: Well, we had got justice for the children. Now, it was time to keep the institution alive (The audience applauds again)

Bhabhootmal: But we had to change the name as many people did not want to send their children to the same school

Mistry: I visited Puttaparthi and met the Swamy. He said that we could change the name from Misericordia School to Mistry and Sidodia School. It was numerologically perfect

Shukla: Would someone from the audience like to ask our guests a question?

A pretty girl raises her handsand Shukla walks up to her and hands her the microphone: Sir, I am a proud student of the Mistry and Sisodia School. So many years after you left it, the teachers talk about you as if it was yesterday. I must thank you very much for this great institution and I shall also take my husband to Tirupati and get his head shaved. (The audience applauds again)

Bhabhootmal: The only big change that we made at the school besides changing the name was that we amde it a Co-ed school. We were convinced that this was a good thing. After all, what was the Mahatma without Kasturba? Or Nehruji without Edwina?

Mistry nods: We hoped to take over a college as well, but have not been able to do that yet. Hopefully, we shall do that in the near future (the audience applauds again)

Shukla: I must now bring in a very good friend of yours. Can you guess who?

Bhabhootmal, Kudrat Devi and Mistry all look perplexed

Shukla: I’ll give you a hint - Angrezi miya....

Bhabhootmal slaps his thihg hard and almost shouts: A Ha! Mack! My dearest friend! Where is he?

(The opening bars of a fanfare usher Mack in through a door on the sets)

Mistry: Arre, yaar, Maqbool, you look younger and younger by the day

Mack: I told you guys this - the Angrezi way keeps you young. Of course, I do not drink whisky, shisky, but I go walking every day. At least five miles a day. And I don;t waste my energy telling people my full name - Maqbool Gaur Dabaja. That energy goes to making my body stronger. (He looks at Kudrat Devi) Bhabhi - please tell these people about energy efficiency!

(The audience laughs and Kudrat Devi smiles)

Bhabhootmal: We would get together as students and pray every day. Mack would say namaz and Dinshaw and I would say our prayers for our country. The friends who pray together stay together. (He beams and the audience applauds)

Mistry: We are so happy when we see so many young people praying these days. It is remarkable, really

Kudrat Devi: I am sure that god will reward us for our religiousness by reducing pollution in the world

(The audience applauds again)

Shukla: Maqbool Saheb, you must have been a very modern person even in those days...

Mack: Actually I was not. (The audience gasps) Many people hated the Angrez in those days. We had just become independent after being ruled by them for 250 years. But that was when my wife suggested that I go abroad for further studies

Shukla: But you didn’t study in England...

Mack: How could I? I am a proud Indian... (the audience roars it’s approval) So I we3nt to the other great Angrezi country, America. (The audience claps again) Over there, though, I met a friend of my wife who was English and who had actually supported our freedom struggle. She even invited us to a party when Churchill died (the audience gasps)

Shukla: Really?

Mack: Yes and she was so nice that she got new dishes and glasses for us and even cooked food in special vessels which had never seen pork. They all had whisky but my wife and I enjoyed Coca Cola, in moderation (the audience laughs)

Bhabhootmal: Tell them about your experience in London

Mack (laughs wildly) I returned to India via London and I thought let me see the shaitans who tortured our ancestors. We went to this restaurant and the waiter said that he ahd ruled over us for 250 years. I told him that was why I was eating there and he was serving me (everyone laughs wildly and the audience get up and starts thumping their feet in approval)

Mistry: I had tears in my eyes when it happened

Bhabhootmal: You must realise that Mack is an Amriki Angrezi. Not an Angrezi Angrezi

Mack: When I entertain people, I never allow them to order Scotch WHisky even today. People can drink Cognac instead (he smiles and the audience laughs)

Shukla: And all of you amde a very good friend late in life...

All the guests jump: Muni! Is he here?

Shukla: Perumalji Munisiddhalingamji (He is unsure which name to stress on) andar aiyea

(Fanfare again as Perumal Munisiddhalingam comes in. He wears western clothes but has a strip of whiote ash smeared on his forehead with a huge red "tikka" in the middle. The audience claps loudly)

Muni (sitting down with Mistry, he speaks in a typically South Indian accent, pronouncing the "h" in honour distinctly) What a great honour Mr Shuklaji, for my dear friend, Bhootji, and for me also to be here on the greatest Doordarshan TV! (the audience claps)

Shuklaji: Sir, please tell us how you met

Muni: Well, I think I should not tell you. I will let Bhoot tell you this

Bhabhootmal (laughing) You won’t believe it

Mistry: (nods his head) Yes, I know you won;t ever believe it

Muni: Mysterious are the ways of the god, sir, but they are always very good (audience applauds)

Bhabhootmal: Dinshaw had returned from Puttaparthi and he told me about this brilliant gentleman whom he met there when both took Swamy’s blessings

Muni: (laughs)

Mistry: Can you guess what happened the next week?

Shukla smiles and the audience bellows: Tell us, tell us

Bhabhootmal: The next week I went to Tirupati to get my head shaved and Muni was sitting beside me getting his head shaved too (The audience goes ballistic)

Muni: Only the god can do something like us

Mistry: Truly, he was calling us to both his houses and introducing us

(The old lady who has been folding her hands opens her eyes, separates her hands and turns them so that both palms face upwards and slowly sways with a blissful gleam in her eye)

Shuklaji: What a great miracle! (the audience applauds)

Bhabhootmal: Truly, the one above wanted us to meet this great man, Muniji

Muni: Leave it, sir, I am not a great man. You are the great Bhootji. So I am here to honour you along with the Doordarshan

Mistry: If it were not for Bhoot, where would be? We have always been inspired by his drive and dynamism

Bhabhootmal: It is not me. I am nothing without my friends and my wife. And we are nothing without god (the audience applauds)

Muni: Yes, the great god...

Shukla: Ladies and gentlemen, I have some news for you

The audience clapping: Tell us, tell us...

Shukla: What should great people like these receive?

The audience: The Nobel Prize, the Oscar Award, the Grammy Award (etc)

Shukla: Please, please, these are Swadeshi great people.....

(Bhabhootmal smiles and his wife and friends look at Shukla with anticipation)

Shukla: We have the Union Minister in charge of leadership qualities and dried dates and peanuts, Mrs...

The audience screams: Mahagajalakshmi Shanmugavadivelu...

Bhabhootmal, Kudrat Devi and Mistry: (Standing us) Mantriji is here?

Muni: (gets up and smiles): Welcome Amma!

(The Minister comes in. She is a huge woman, fair and wears a huge cape. She has two machine gun toting bodyguards by her side and she enters with her hands folded in a Namaste)

The Minister: By the powers vested in me by the Government of India, and in recognition of the great work that all of you have done for the country, I would like to announce awards for all of you (the audience again goes ballistic)

The Minister: Subject to clause 43 of the Indian Constitution, Amendment 4960523 and sub clause 752a, I hereby announce that your group has been declared as a "working set" (the audience applauds and the minister continues) You may display this award when it is officially awarded to you by His Excellency the President and you will all be provided 5 kilograms of rice, three tins of cooking oil and a special pot of deshi ghee through the fair price shops every month in addition to your regular rations. (The audience applauds wildly and the minister continues) You may not eat or do anything with this other than use it in religious rituals or feed the poor as you deem fit. A report in quadriplicate will have to be filed after this use is amde giving evidence of the proper and correct use of these foodstuffs. Failure to do so would result in prosecution, exile from the country or summary execution by the guillotine.

Bhabhootmal: What an honour! Hindustan Zinbabad!

Mack: (In a very English accent) Hindustan’s in the bag

(Mistry and Kudrat Devi silently stand up as if to attention. The Minister turns and leaves)

Shuklaji: Now we must celebrate, mustn’t we? (the audience screams Yes...) LAdies and gentlemen, Kudrat Deviji is an accomplished singer. Shouldnt we ask her to sing for us? (the audience again, Yes... He hands Kudrat Devi the mike and she comes up to the band in a corner of the studio)

Kudrat Devi: This is a song that I heard many years ago and which I committed to memory though I haven’t heard it since. It enriches the mind, fills the heart and makes you want to dance

Audience: Yay...

The band starts strumming...

Kudrat Devi: (leaping into the air) "Hey, hey, mama, said the way you move
Gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove.
Oh, oh, child, way you shake that thing
Gonna make you burn, gonna make you sting.
Hey, hey, baby, when you walk that way
Watch your honey drip, cant keep away."

(Credits as the show ends with the audience dancing and jiving away. The lady who stood with her hands folded in prayers grabs the hems of her saree and leaps into the air in time to Kudrat Devi)





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