I wrote a song for you..

i think for the next few days i might be submitting more than my fair share of ilogs. i think. it has been tough. and i think i just completed the toughest part of it all. the getting out part. but its done. it has been done. and well, ive come back with a slight feeling of anxiety, sadness, incompleteness too. ... but as sage friends say "dont think".. "dont think and you will be fine".

i have a pool of sages. they are my angels. i also have faith. so i believe i have one strong, sincere friend in high places! But thats not to say i dont forget them. ever so often i do. and it takes a lot of meditation, a lot of talking and emailing, and texting and "just do it woman" therapy to get back. but my pool of sages help me and protects me.

ive gone into the abstract. ive been wanting to. since i started writing this thing, ive been feeling im writing petty stuff. not that its a bad thing. petty is good to vent. and vent i need to do. thats what makes women so bloody resilient. we vent and move on to greater misery, with a smile on our faces and lessons well learnt.. and we say "im sure it will all be ok". but thats another topic. the women topic.

now as it happens... men in this city stare at you. if you make eye contact, you've made your first mistake. they make eye contact, reach out to the very recesses of YOU, drag your soul out, and throw it out for all to see. and when your soul is lying there, naked, and oh-so-vulnerable, they judge you. shit, if youre a woman reading this, you have to understand!! right? do you understand what I'm saying? DO YOU? (PS: please dont answer. please. you'll kill the moment)

and they dont just do this by chance. they do this to every woman. today's experience was unreal. i was in a moving car. we were passing a boys school. the boys were in the beautiful, green garden taking a test, and then came the security guard. and he looked at me. and i looked back, like i would at "anything - anyone" in my sight. but he pulled my soul out. and i know i sound crazy, but yup thats what he did. i didnt stay long enough to see the triumphant look in his eyes. anyway.. so yeah....adios.

Footnote: I know not all men are bastards. I know it. I have to believe it. if i dont, i give up on half the worlds' population. and i dont want to do that. not just yet.