the thing is..

It’s this line that people keep saying that’s pissing me off today: “Be strong.”

In my head, that translates as: be a bit of steel, be a bit of wall, be a bit of grit and be a lot of resilience.

Thing is, when I apply that to the mortal that I am – it obviously has its influence. Under the influence (so to speak), I start to do several things:
- sweep a lot under the rug
- shut parts of the mind down (and on many occasions, the important ones linked to functionality have suffered too; dammit)
- tell the minds’ mind that the issue at hand isn’t really a big deal in the larger scope of things
- grit my teeth
- embrace the Denial demon
- smile, go out and talk when all I want to do is sit in a dark room and stare at the largeness of nothing
- eat too many French fries

Then, the thing is that people think I’m this resilient, thick-skinned sort. You know, the kind who’ll take the hits and not stumble back with the force of Negative. They expect me to sail through the crap with my usual moodiness. Plus, it doesn’t help that my tongue precedes the neuron frequency of the brain and I spit out words, sentences and opinions that are just raw, unadulterated bitch. Often I’ve heard myself speak and I cannot cannot cannot fathom who the f*ck I become when I say all that. But I continue saying it. Finish what I started. And land up giving the wrong impression that ‘yeah yeah, this just isn’t getting to me’ or ‘you’re just too inconsequential to actually matter’.

Thing is, that when I have a weak few days and I say, “Actually, this is seriously getting to me. I feel like shit. Could you slide across that Kleenex box please?” no one believes me.

’You?? Feeling like shit because of that? Bullshit it’s getting to you… This kind of shit never gets to you…. You’re just being your sarcastic self when you say you’re upset…. Stop it. Get over it…. Whatever. Yeah right…’ And it becomes this joke then. I’m not good at sentimental stuff so it’s more of a flippant, “Wtf. I’m seriously upset okay!” thing. And it just sounds like I’m acting like a normal person who, under normal circumstances, would be upset at these things. *sigh* Normal and I – it seems that we don’t gel. In the inside world or outside - if you know what I mean. If not, it’s okay – you’ll live.

So yeah. Thing is, it really is getting to me.

08/05/08; 3:38pm