back to the world

i think today after almost 2 years i came back to life to the real world. I left my world that has been my house, my family studdin, sleeping, watching tv and the occasional ciggerates. Some people i did still very rarely keep in touch but never out of choice, not to sound mean but because it was easier to keep myself going. Maybe it was feeling sorry for myself or just plainly i wasnt ready for the world.
I couldnt remember the rules and ways of keepin the life in life and thats your friends and relationships that you mantain. And they are worth it now i know after getting out of my hole. But i built the hole, it wasnt something bad but something i had to do so i could keep myself alive. I did manage to allow myself room to expand and understand why it takes time to heal. I study the subject of Islam, the entire subject it history, the book of Alllah, i learn the arabic text as a language and its interpertation. how it was collected into a book, comparative religions and what Islam is.
Now i could simpily say that i study the Quran, but i just dont do that. I hate that label they give you here especially in Pakistan when someone says " what do you do?" then you say oh i am studding the Quran, and they sorta say oh thats good and look at you with some kind of dissappointment. Okay maybe i have had to many rishata situations in which i sit there being checked out and pop goes the weasal with that QS. Specially because i am graphic designer by profession and not saying that i am working at some top agency some how gets me those faces.
Yes i would be working somewhere and maybe i would have been really good at what i did but mentally i dont know where i would be. And yes my mother pushed me with no choice to take two years out of my life that always went my way to study my religion. At first i was excited just because it had been almost 7 months of rehab at home, getting back to myself also i was involved with someone which was very serious who i thought was hope for a future and support to change my ways. So i didnt mind doing so much listening for once to my mother cause she was listening to me about this possible future. So i guess i was happy being good cause the two people i did care about geting me through a hard 7 months were there.
Until a month later when my future fell through breaking my heart and leaving me own my own. Ever since my life has been this struggle that i thought i would never break free from. I thought i would never break free from myself and this heart break inside that was so unexpected. All i had was my mother to console me and push me to stay on with i had started. Things can only get better when your striving for the good, that what she said and my heart would heal. She told me Allah never burdens any soul what they cant handle and i was the strongest girl she knew. I am strong and i have been through things people couldnt imagine sometimes i cant.
But today was unexplainable because my heart opened agian and i found out that there were people out there that cared and have been looking for me. Actual looking for me .... i have been looking for something. So far when i have been trying it didnt seem to fill this vastness inside, but tonight some of it filled.