The Shrinking Weekend

Right in the middle of April, there was an august gathering of all the graybeards of mental health on Chowk. These self-proclaimed experts on normal human behavior had given their precious free time out of compassion for an anonymous interactor they had never met or seen. The ungrateful mental patient was absent from the meeting because he was indulging in the insane act of enjoying a day of boating with family and friends.

Here are some bewildering highlights and my belated comments regarding the lynching in absentia that was disguised as a mental health festival.

The "fair Bengalan," normally notorious for being the most boring person on Chowk, also proved that she can be the most stupid one as well. Yes, you swarthy fraud! Your conclusions are pure bullshit! No less than nine psychiatrists have examined me in the past year and every single one of them has given me a clean bill of mental health. They have told me that all of my problems, including my black Indian pigmentation, my short Gangetic stature, even shorter Hindu membership, my ugly Indian features, and uncontrollabe swaying of my Indian head from side to side, are all of a physical nature. Thank you, Dadaji, why did you have to favor me so much?

By the way, dear steamed Bengalan! Yes, you who resembles the goddess Kali, please return your illegal degree to the Kolkatta police. The degree that you swiped from a drunken psychologist, a Mr. Bannerjee, while he was visiting you in Sonagachi. He is pissed and is calling you a confirmed kleptomaniac.

The modest Sufi persistently and effectively questioned the Bengalan mental quack's puzzling sense of selective morality. While she offers flimsy excuses for the perverted behavior of the notoriously pedophile bawarchi, a former IAF brat, she has no problem advertising that her epidermis is of a golden hue - not to be mistaken for the basic Bengali black hide. Another mental health professional should examine why the Bengalan took her black posterior from Sonagachi to King's Cross and whether the journey had anything to do with a deep sense of longing for the white man - "where did you go, Clive Sahib?"

Not to be outdone, another self-proclaimed mental health professional offered some very reassuring excuses for the Brahmin blasphemer. Yes, this is the dubious self-promoted financial wizard who was taught basic percentages, a bit of pig Latin, and limited humor without wit by a trio of generous Pakis.

The point made by the erstwhile pusillanimous fence-sitter was that the blasphemy, while not recommended, was justified in this case, because the perpetrator had his heart in the right place. You see, while insulting the Holy Prophet (PBUH) and his family, this generous anti-Muslim Indian, with the Tourette Syndrome, contributed so much to Muslims by giving so graciously to her favorite charity - herself! ... and they say that there is no Judasassity among Muslims. Some one please perform a cardiac arrest, before she annoints Modi as the Mahdi. If this is an example of "Muslim feminism," give me the hijaban chicks with sticks anyday.

There appears to be no shortage of self-proclaimed health professionals on Chowk. Either Chowk is the healthiest place on the web or Walmart must have started a degree "program." A lowly dental assistant, who makes her living by peddling caffeine and then brushing those coffee stains from her customers' teeth, also chimed in with her own agenda of mental concerns - "real" people vs. anonymous ones and who divulged her name? Do we really care?

Of course there were some less hypocritical, but just as convincing, male mental health experts. The anti-Sufi sage rationalized that Muslims blow themselves up because they have an expiration date and they are convinced that the hereafter is much better than the present life. Conversely, he reasons that Hindus resort to blasphemy because they also have an expiration date and they hope for a better life the next janam around. Jab geedaR ki mauth aati he to woh ....

The interfaith fiduciary reasoned that the mental patient is not that bad except for the profanity hurled at yonis. What he meant to say was that each yoni comes with a license from Brahma to behave like a papatman.

Leaving the best for the last, it never ceases to amaze me that Paki men seem to be the most straightforward and truthful of observers - especially when they pay that rare visit from the cave to the main sewer down below. It could also be the fact that the hermit from the cave was not blinded by the dazzle of "India Shining" that had handicapped the Indian jingoists and their dutiful Paki "pom pom" girls. I found the following post to be the one that gets it:

{"Post by zeemax on Apr 12, 2008 7:46:36 pm

Despite my revulsion of most people here, let me make a clear statement.

Anyone, and I mean anyone, regardless of who that person may be, it could be my own brother or sister, who is a friend of someone who talks of sodomizing people whom I revere, is my enemy. So help me God.

Now some cockroach will surely ask me what the hell can I do about it? The answer is - a lot. I'm not alone. There're many like me ... and they will make sure such people, and their friends, will never call themselves Pakistani again.

Now continue."}