Se Agapo

hello boss

two words for you ... Black puj?

kher, past the masti, honest effort there. liked the drawing in, liked the flashback and memory.

critique ... you need to develop some variety in the way snippets are weaved in. i.e. ``Another habit of Mamajani’s`` ...

also, i like the whole make one character larger the life, give them a universal title ... great till here ... then ``Mamajaani`` somewhat brings to the Moltifoam add .. ``papajaani`` to mind.

but i like it, im hooked and want to read more!

brilliance

i guess i saw that woman with the child..the darkness of the nights that fall on the buildings the gushing of the traffic down below..quietness up there..with much to see and think..while the ignorant but busy and busy life which casts no eyes on others..

i guess i saw that woman..with the child..
the child too was lost in the eerie combination of the traffic below..

it was there..but the silence of the mother and child didn`t break..for a while..

---

a nicely written and thought..need more material to make it a good fine read..
a good piece..

#14, Raw_Dust,
No, it comes right after he gets to Napier Road near the old KMC building on Bunder Road. :)

So, the revelation would come around shara-e-qaideen`s intersection or at FTC? :)

Re: # 10

I`ll put up the second part of this on my ilog. The story does start taking shape from there. And it is in the second part that the revelation also comes from Mamajani!!

Farheen

Good article

hamzaad:
try smirnoff_666@hotmail.com .

#5 tintingem {``This isn`t the complete story.....it is the first part only. Not even the entire first part that is.
I have been working on this since some time and I wanted to get a lil feedback....considering how long it took to get here, I had forgotten all about it! ``}

Farheen,
Now I don`t feel bad about expressing either my stupidity or your carelessness. I did notice that the story ended abruptly. It was enjoyable and interesting, but I did feel cheated at what I thought was the end. In fact I almost asked you for a refund. It reminded me of some Hollywood movies that have a great plot and wonderful acting, but the ending leaves you wondering if you fell asleep during the most important part. :) Thanks for clarifying. Looking forward to the revelation and don`t you hold us hostage. :)

brother raw_dust,

Why is your email not working?

Re: # 5
tintin ( do you have a dog called Snowy)
The Elvis revelation was a joke . -) You should have put a ``to be continued``. It would be nice to read further. All the best.

Zahra,
you just ends abruptly.I was expecting something like bang from mamajani
write more and complete it.

nice piece!!

This isn`t the complete story.....it is the first part only. Not even the entire first part that is.
I have been working on this since some time and I wanted to get a lil feedback....considering how long it took to get here, I had forgotten all about it!

#1 swarrier: no, the revelation is not Elvis at all! The revelation would come later...if I send the later part for publication on chowk.

#3 Raw_Dust: the left part is the prpoer base with offices and all. The right part is where the residences and all are.

Farheen

by the way.. good writing.. i specially like your depicting the city as a character...

if you made entry at night by train.. you will experience the same breathtaking effect ..looking from the train window or even better.. from the carriage-door.. :).. just on the outskirts of pak. steel mills and passing Tando Adam.. the city appears like a giant ocean of lights shimmering on the horizon...

#2:
i think, the narrator was cut out of the story by mamajani character so although he was narrating, he didnt have the full control. :-)

and by the way, shouldnt the BASE part of the PAF Faisal be on the left side of sharea faisal heading towards Hotel Metropole.? on the right is the school and empty warehouses (a decoy prolly to keep occupying one of the prime real estate in the city)

You have a very vivid style of writing and combining past and present. But, seriously, I am quite perplexed. What was the story? Did I miss something or did the editor remove a whole paragraph? :)

Decent narration , though it seemed to end a trife too abruptly. I understood the ``Se Agapo`` bit, but where was the revelation? Not Elvis, I hope?