Dilemma of Mixed Unions

Re:zahraj#49

[...You guys are so bloody conceited!...]

Madam, no need to get angry. I am just discussing some mid-life crisis issues with sattarji. :-)

Re:sattar2#41

[...… over time, both partners in a marriage achieve the same degree of happiness (or misery)...]

Sattarji, at the end of the day it all boils down to sex. If by some miracle your wife makes you happy in the bedroom (and vice-versa), a man is really happy in a marriage. Otherwise, people are miserable, although they may stay together for the sake of their kids and so forth.

The problem is that monogamy by its nature becomes boring after several years. Also our desi women (and desi men) deteriorate in looks very rapidly after marriage. They let go of themselves. So take any 40 year old married desi guy. Most likely he feels frustrated and trapped in his 10 year marriage and wonders about the rest of the world. :-)

Thats where my study kicks in!! :-) Men have the means at that stage in their life to setup, (ahem!!) other alternatives. Women do not have the means for that. Thats why married men are generally the happiest guys. The want to keep their bird in hand and go for the others in the bush....:-)

Re: # 27

You guys are so bloody conceited!

Sattar,

I did not consider anything in your post sarcastic. You should reciprocate in kind.
Also, I do not drink any caffeinated or decaffeinated drink at the Starbucks. Thank God, I got rid of the addiction 15 months ago. Now, I am into all kinds of exotic teas. I recommend looking into products by ``Honest Tea.`` They will keep you honest whenever you are making any facetious remark :) Oh, I forgot you a kanjoos aadmi. You will fast than spend $1.99 on a bottle of exotic tea.

Zahra,

… you forgot to wish me a happy weekend towards the end of your post. And if I had multiple wives, my happiness index would be off the chart according to ranjit’s survey. But you do have a point about traffic tickets …

And I was not being sarcastic when calling you “dear”. But I think that’s how you took it … and responded accordingly. And everything went downhill from that point on. Gawd … you really gave me an ear full there …

And it’s not about me being interested (or disinterested) in your profile. But some things just jump out at me when I read your posts … that’s all. May be I should have kept them to myself. So mea culpa from me on this one. Friends again?

And if you do visit west coast, let’s hook up. But we’ll have to get you off this Starbucks fad first. Personally I think Starbucks is an asylum of sorts for those in dire need of social therapy. All kinds of annoying people show up there … yaking away on their latest cell phone, or showing off that annoying dolled-up chihuahua … or simply being too self-absorbed trying to appear intellectual (while actually reading a book recommended by oprah winfrey … jesus christ!! …) … while their car alarm keeps malfunctioning and going off every few minutes. And if you enjoy cigars, let me know. My contact, when he is not hiding from his wife or the IRS, can get some pretty good cubans every now and then …

Re: # 42

Raw Dust: Even if your comment was in reference to post #28, it was simply out of line and inappropriate. Thank you for acknowledging the unfair practices/expectations that exist on both sides. By the way, I have a few female friends and cousins who are married to mormons. So far, they do not have any unreasonable expectations and demands. Most of these marriages were based on compatibility vs. falling in love and then falling out of it.

Interestingly, some of my liberal male cousins who have chosen to marry non-muslim women (all Christians) have never persuaded their wives toward Islam. That may sound like a given, but the interesting phenomenon is that the guys have gone through a change and become religious. No beards or stuff like that. Still they have never asked their wives to either convert or become a traditional muslima. All such marriages have survived so far for over 15 years with 2-3 kids. One`s wife even used to wear an abaya while she was in Saudi Arabia visiting her hubby`s family. She had the option not to go there, but she chose otherwise. There are strange non-muslim women out there who will start wearing abayas out of sheer love for their husbands. In some cases, these non-muslim aurtaen go above and beyond and make the muslimas look bad :)

On the other hand, during a recent family wedding I met my cousin`s wife for the first time. She is a korean and a doctor by profession. Since I had met my korean sister-in-law for the first time, I was so amused to find a tall and fair looking lady with bright and distinct korean features wearing a gotae` kinari wala dupata tightly wrapped around her head. It had at least 6 pins in it. I had a lovely time observing what I have not seen in ages. Then I thought that she is doing this for her husband to show him that she cared about his culture. I give a lot of credit to these educated and accomplished women who end up marrying the traditional muslim guys. By the way, she is a convert and became a muslim before meeting her hubby. I have seen more expectations coming from the men`s side vs. otherwise. Most importantly, from the mother(goddess) of the guy. A lot of times these mixed marriages put more pressure on the women as they have to deal with traditional, biased and racisit mother-in-laws. That`s the only reason you comment jumped out. Your observations may be otherwise.

By the way, isn`t it high time that women start actively pursuing their expectations(whatever they may be)? Some have religious expectations. Some have irreligious expectations. Why should you only mock a woman`s religious or irreligious expectations? Would you do the same to a man as well?

33 by teshah

The correct saying of Bernard Shaw quoted in my post at #33 is ``The golden rule is that there is no golden rule``. Sorry for the omission.

41 by sattar2

Thank you dear Sattar for your kind response.

Sattar dear,

I think you should be least interested in my profile. You are not very good at speculating anything. So you should not tread where you do not belong. Your utmost interest and focus should be making yourself a pleasant individual for your surroundings, paying all the traffic tickets on-time and expecting more in the coming months. At least, be a traditional man! :)

Come to think of it, you are having issues paying one wife`s traffic tickets. God forbid, if you had more than one, you would be dead by now. So, you should be thankful to God for what you have. I am sure you realize that without God`s intervention :) Still, if you need help which I think you do, you know who to consult. And it`s not me.

Some of your anecdotes are very interesting and require some discussion. I wished Chowk offered ilog feedback where you could pen your random thoughts. That will be fun.

By the way, if I am in your neck of the woods, I will send you a note. I would love to interview you for a write-up - a guy`s perspective. See all that whining did not go wasted :)

my last post is with reference to drsohail`s comment in #28.

peace.

re#31:
if somebody got offended, i apologise, though i didnt mean to be unkind or whatever.

i was merely pointing out the mismatch, being an atheist myself, i just dont see this guy expecting things that he is. it is just downright unreasonable.

from mom`s POV : she is saving the Kid from Hellfire through indoctrination and this guy should have known this all along. the only thing he could do now is to be accomodating. fighting over foreskin is quite trivial.

Zahra dear,

(… don’t know how to say this, but will try anyway … and kindly accept my apologies if I cross the line …)

I get this feeling that you think all of life’s issues can be solved by making a flow chart, with arrows pointing between rectangular boxes … on power point slides. And I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve read “the art of war”, cover to cover, several times (... can’t help smirking as I write this …).

Your views about life, work, and people are seemingly a product of the late 90s (at least I am reminded of that era ... and its euphoria). And those were deceptive times. People, with their portfolios, expectations, and personal work ethics … have gone through major recalibrations since then. It’s been a return to the basics, of sorts. Don’t be the one left holding the bag …

Ok … ok … a lot of things I say here are not to be taken seriously … as I say them merely in jest. My marriage is doing alright (ahem, thus far) … and some cynicism and facetiousness on my part have served me well over time. It keeps life and sex interesting, and makes marriage a lot more manageable than it would be otherwise. Mrs. sattar is an angel, although I stand by my comments about the in-laws. And every marriage goes through good and bad times … some make it, some don’t, but all suffer in some way, shape, or form. And it’s a lot better to take something that is halfway decent and work on it, than to wait for the perfect opportunity. So mrs. sattar continues to try to teach me civility, despite my efforts to drag her down. Bickering goes on … and so does life. But bills get paid on time … she refuses to dump me … and kids are not too embarrassed to call me ``daddy`` ... so no complaints from my side ...


Ranjit dude (#27),

There are lies, worse lies, and then there is statistics. And finally, there are market surveys. Don’t know much about these surveys … but it seems that in a reasonably good marriage things get averaged out over time. That is … over time, both partners in a marriage achieve the same degree of happiness (or misery). If one spouse is miserable, he will pull the other one down. If one is genuinely happy, his happiness will rub off on the other one. And how do I know all this? It kinda goes back to what Socrates said ...

My father thinks that over time, a husband and wife even start to look alike. Their gestures, features, expressions, body language … all start to mirror each other’s. Didn`t want to argue with him ... as he was putting up good money to send me off with a one-way ticket and an I-20 ...


Shah Sahib (#33),

Agreed. Absolute statements hardly ever cut it. Life remains too abstract and too fluid to be defined by a single rule or a matrix …

Re: # 28

Tell me Doc! Becoming an apostate or an athiest is a dangerous business in the eyes of Islam. I am told that the punishment is death!

So why in the world the lady decided to get married to him so willingly?

Why should she get so fixated with this ritual and literal translation of words of a holybook and traditions etc.? What kind of religion is that which demands every follower fall in line without the slightest deviation!

Afterall majority of humankind do not have the practice of circumcision. Why not make liberal adjustment with the views of the husband. After all Allah knows everything. Leave it to Allah to decide!

Kamath

Writer,

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Re: # 28

In order to hide one`s guilt of not being a `faithful` most of the so called religious persons extoll the virtues of religiousity to others.....................including proselytization by forcibly imprinting their progenies with the signs of covenent with the almighty on their private parts...............

I have always wondered as an agnostic-

why shouldn`t the almighty alter the human genes so that every one is born without a foreskin............. and let this be a proof of the immutable covenent with the almighty.........

As an agnostic I would certainly not like my son to be imprinted with some reminder of some covenent with some unknown almighty on his private parts................he would certainly be cursing me in his private moments in case he grows up to be an atheist............fortunately I have daughters like Hamidm...........

tragedy of mixed marriages is that no body objects or opposes so all romance is gone from mixed marriage.