The Color Yellow

Re: # 4

On your techinical point, in Pakistan, its both ways

Green - yellow - red
and red - yellow - green.

#8 well well, raw paa ji, I did deserve some words of gratitude there, didn`t I? After all, it`s not every day that someone would provide you with a much sought after opportunity to diss and bash Allah - or Islam/Muslas/Mohammad/Koran/religion/faith -for that matter, particularly on a board only remotely related to the question of faith. And you say I got no balls? :(

Religion becomes a toy only for people like you and me...people belonging to the so called higher-class of the society from a monetary or educational point of view...ones who are fortunate enough to be able to `choose` and `experiment`. A poor little boy of three, would desperately need someone to vent his anger and frustration on, someone to curse and complain to for all his shortcomings, or someone to look up to. That`s exactly what he is doing in the story/narration, as nonchalant he is to the `aafaaqi questions` you allege him of asking as he could be . He is just, but oblivious of the idea of choice, not that it matters to him anyway.

And speaking of contentment, that word`s long been obliterated from the human dictionary, especially in our society. People laying claims like the one you did from the comfort of their cozy bedrooms need to take a hike down the countryside and socialize more often with the hoi-polloi. And had you bothered to look deep into the questions of the poor kid (which i must say, much to his dismay, if went unheard or undeciphered even on this board of self-proclaimed intellectuals of the society, how could he expect the common man-in-the-street to pay a heed?), they weren`t directed towards Allah apart from the first couple and those too as a sort of mockery, but were actually supposed to be castigating the injustice and ` lack of contentment` prevailing and ameliorating in the society.

Hope I addressed you concerns adequately. I do, however, fully understand that coming from a presumably Muslim background, it should really feel good and relieving to emancipate yourself of religion, and ergo, of all viabilities and restrictions associated with it, but hey hypengyophobia is as bad as any other phobia, and all phobias must be gotten rid of.

And the song`s cool, Coldplay happens to be one of may favorites too. btw don`t you think `in my place, were lines i couldn`t replace` would also fit well in the context of the boy`s despondence and his queries? thanks. :)

So typical that on chowk people come across a story like this and quibble about red-yelllow-green and what not.
Nicely done big shoe, next time you could probably spend a little time editing before submission, but nice nevertheless.

#10 ShowBigSifar

Okay, I admit it (and I say this with some trepidation), I read this one a second time. Unfortunately, I am still a bit confounded and I get little insight into your thinking.

What is the “boy’s” chief beef? Being born poor, or born in Pakistan, or born in this day and age when capitalism rules, or born when things are so fluid because the transition gives people so little to anchor into?

When everything is said and done, there is a good degree of randomness to all our lives. Individual faith is just an attempt to shape it better and get more motive power out of it. And cruel as it may sound – most people place more emphasis on what is of value to them as individuals in those daily lives – never on those who are on the peripheries – therefore to the industrialist, his dog counts a lot more than the mendicant kid.

Exceptions are few.

The idea of having questions but no dreams is absolutely contradictory – dreamers always ask questions, because they are not happy with the status-quo – the rest are the condemned lot.

Regarding the writing itself, I think the structure could have used some streamlining. People lose continuity when faced with a long paragraph followed by dialogs followed by another long paragraph of text – why not shape the whole thing simply as a dialog script which would probably have read better?

You miss out on the simple detail that poor little boys of three – even the smart ones – may have difficulty coming up with complicated thoughts and phrases, it is a matter of undeveloped vocabulary, not to mention the fact that their understanding of the world is very limited – little time, you see. They do not ask of sin and justice and the whole nine yards.

I also wish you had left out the last paragraph – perhaps allowing the reader to think things through himself/herself. (You did not, by any chance, assume that the huddled masses here are lacking in the imagination department or in their ability to connect the dots?) For me, point-blank conclusions have a ruinous effect on the whole thought process.

PS: You need to be careful before you call somebody a “paajee” – the term has a derogatory meaning too (scoundrel, that is) and for all I know, perhaps violates some chowk guidelines.

PPS: Do you specialize in coming up with long, unheard-of words which nobody uses – all ending with “phobia”?

from the story: ``Him: Why was I born here, and granted such a despicable life? ``

Example above can be taken as Allah Mian pertaining stuff. Although, i reserve my right to bash Allah Mian three times a day everyday for no reason at all.

I admit, i missed the age of the kid but his questions did have direct implications to Jabr ul Qadar.

``Hope I addressed you concerns adequately. I do, however, fully understand that coming from a presumably Muslim background,``

It is just a matter of choice, i.e., to believe or not to believe.

burpinder:
if you dig this kind of mellow-yellow writings, i`d suggest Ashfaq Ahmed`s short-writings, it gets competently done at places although the mythology that sustains his work is pretty boring.

Re: # 12 Hi bj. Alrite, lets take it one by one...

1)What`s the boy`s chief beef? hmmm...it could be all of the ones you mentioned, but I wanted to keep the role-play of `fate` as far aside as possible...and concentrate only on the `human` bit...that means here, his chief beef in your words would be `born in this day and age when capitalism rules and that too in a thirld world country. Must admit, I am actually happy you stumbled upon the notion of anti-capitalism buried deep in there!

2)the idea of having questions but no dreams wasn`t my idea at all. It`s just how it happened to be with the boy. At his age and with his plight, he couldn`t afford to look beyond rags and a chunk of bread, let alone dream! But derision from dreams on account of being over-occupied by questions although might be, as we scientists put it, a sufficient condition, but it ain`t necessary.

3) I duely and humbly buy your arguement that fusing narration with dialogue wasn`t a very good idea after all . Consider it an experiment which I would try to avoid in case I venture to write in future.(ref: #6 :) )

4) the boy was three...he was, and that is why after listening to all his questions I had a feeling that he had outgrown his age! Also, it is not an actual dialogue, so although the kid under question was only three years old, I might be foreboding as to what sort of questions he will be asking in a few years time when his conscious has developed enough to realise that there is certainly something wrong with this world.

5) the last paragraph...i`d again refer to my #6...it was supposed to be a scrutiny of our current social norms and a mockery at the system ...rather than pure fiction, that is why I thought it must have been categorized under society and not fiction! Had I made no conclusion, people would have jumped to all sorts of entirely uncalled for ones like the one in 8, which they have all the liberty to do, but I had to put across my intention behind writing the story somehow!

I really appreciate your detailed analysis nevertheless. Thanks for that and for musturing up the courage to read it a second time and then admitting it!

best

Shobig, I am glad you took my comments in the right spirit. (I have been chided for telling new writers ``how to write`` - which is clearly a misnomer (all I try to do is to give my feedback as a reader how I would have liked it.))

Needless to say, your spider piece earlier was VERY funny and I hope you would keep working along those lines, too. (But use simpler words, please!)

shoby mate...
i am yet to see a three year old poor child who knows about a mercedes and it`s consumption...he must have been an angel in disguise on a mission looking for good muslims ...



ps: leave raw-dust alone...he is a mujzoob...who chants...ana`l haq...all the times...;))

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#15 And I am gald at least you commented on `the` story and its layout ;) If anybody is going to benefit from these comments, it`s me. As for the simpler words bit, since the day I bought unlimited fast access to the internet and got familiarised with www.dictionary/thesaurus.reference.com at the same time, I just can`t get my hands off it, if you know what i mean. ;)

#16 khammy, children in Pakistan have started maturing a tad too quickly since the day you left. Perhaps you were the last specimen of the case that preceded. :D

Thanks aimie and burpi for your kind remarks.