Hidden Desires

av krishna

thanks for your sentiments. actually i am folding up the events management business
here in london and will be moving to belgium for a bit, to pursue a legal career followed by a return to Pakistan. after trekking 4 corners of the globe it is time for me to settle down i guess.......

Re: # 14

Ozer,

All the best in your future endeavours,

- Avkrishna

My dear, I was referring to the rhythm and not to the content which - for all I know, maybe deeply heart-felt and perhaps is. The rhythm needs work and perhaps the structure does too.

The problem I have seen with your writing is that you stop with the first or second cuts. You use many words - perhaps too many. The meaning and the point often get very diffused. It becomes like what you show in the accompanying picture - a blunt pencil sans its point - only capable of abstract scribbles - but misses to bring out the words one seeks - certainly not THE words!

The theme also appears to be a bit over-used!

......... ruining a perfect cup of morning coffee .........

... so i am gone for a week and come back to this !......... with fv in charge we had high hopes that hucksters like poser khalid would be banned from spoiling the front page, but ... sigh .........

....... i just feel obliged to point out - once again - that this is the most contrived, shallow and phoney piece of garbage that i have had the misfortune to read ......... i am tempted to post snoop a dogg lyric as an example of real poetry about real women, but i won`t ....

kaptain,

many thanks for the positive feedback.

bj kumar

i appreciate your constructive criticism.

you type ``A lot of the rhythm appears highly contrived. Comparisons like ``heart`` needing ``ignition`` (like a car) leave me shaking my head``.

bj, what one soul may deem as ``contrived`` to another is poetic liberty.

Ozer, one must admit that this is better written than your last poem. But you still use sentences that are too long and the meaning tends to get lost - from the reader`s point of view. A lot of the rhythm appears highly contrived. Comparisons like ``heart`` needing ``ignition`` (like a car) leave me shaking my head. You have also taken liberties with the structure that were perhaps not necessary.

classic and minutely detailed..

good work..