Hidden Desires

classic and minutely detailed..

good work..

Ozer, one must admit that this is better written than your last poem. But you still use sentences that are too long and the meaning tends to get lost - from the reader`s point of view. A lot of the rhythm appears highly contrived. Comparisons like ``heart`` needing ``ignition`` (like a car) leave me shaking my head. You have also taken liberties with the structure that were perhaps not necessary.

kaptain,

many thanks for the positive feedback.

bj kumar

i appreciate your constructive criticism.

you type ``A lot of the rhythm appears highly contrived. Comparisons like ``heart`` needing ``ignition`` (like a car) leave me shaking my head``.

bj, what one soul may deem as ``contrived`` to another is poetic liberty.

......... ruining a perfect cup of morning coffee .........

... so i am gone for a week and come back to this !......... with fv in charge we had high hopes that hucksters like poser khalid would be banned from spoiling the front page, but ... sigh .........

....... i just feel obliged to point out - once again - that this is the most contrived, shallow and phoney piece of garbage that i have had the misfortune to read ......... i am tempted to post snoop a dogg lyric as an example of real poetry about real women, but i won`t ....

My dear, I was referring to the rhythm and not to the content which - for all I know, maybe deeply heart-felt and perhaps is. The rhythm needs work and perhaps the structure does too.

The problem I have seen with your writing is that you stop with the first or second cuts. You use many words - perhaps too many. The meaning and the point often get very diffused. It becomes like what you show in the accompanying picture - a blunt pencil sans its point - only capable of abstract scribbles - but misses to bring out the words one seeks - certainly not THE words!

The theme also appears to be a bit over-used!

good morning hamid m !!

so are you having decaff this morning ?

where were you gone for a week ? did you have a nice break ?

so snoop dogg`s attitudes toward women inspire you ?

i do imagine you are a happily married man then ?

bj kumar

you write ``My dear, I was referring to the rhythm and not to the content which - for all I know, maybe deeply heart-felt and perhaps is``.

thanks for your insightful observations and feedback bj.

Re: # 7

keep experimenting..and if ur from lahore..then try working at the plaform of the Cantt Rail Station..
its a perfect mix..yet undisclosed..though it has the secret to self-discovery..specially the slowing-down evenings..

A note:

This piece will later be moved to the `section` slot where, well, sections are.

hamidm:

Isn`t it possible that all this is being done to elicit that elusive ``sigh`` from you?

farzana

thanks whichever section you deem appropriate for this piece. i appreciate your continued faith in this forum.

kaptain

i am originally from lahore, a mystic metropolis it is indeed ! although my immdeidate family are based in isloo.

.......... save the children !

.... whether one agrees with snoop`s views on women or not, is not the issue ..... the fact remains that the man is a real poet unlike the pretentious word-stringing author of this .... this..... whatever! ......

...... look, there are a lot of ditch-diggers, code-coolies and housewives who fancy themselves as poets and authors .... fine!... go out, buy a fifty cent notebook, fill it up with words, make them rhyme if you must, but then throw it in your closet - for god`s sake don`t inflict it on the unsuspecting public ........ but the problem also lies with the public - if somone puts together a paragraph full of words with three syllabus or more, or writes six lines that seem to rhyme, they think that it must be some either sort of literature or the word of god himself ................ they might not understand it, they might think that it positively stinks, but they don`t have the courage to stand up and say, ``it stinks!`` ....... why?....because they are under the impression that most other folks are smarter than them and might think they are country bumpkins who just fell off the turnip truck ...........

.......... as responsible citizens of this world, it is our duty to put an end to this craven literary deception when we see it; otherwise, future generations will have to suffer the ignominy of having to repeat nonsense like ``humpty dumpty sat on a wall`` and `` little miss muffet sat on a tuffet``

Re: # 11

Hamidm2,

Thank god for you..

I refrained from commenting on how bad this is precisely because of the point you
raised :-)

But what the hell..

This is contrived. The author seems to have good intentions, but he looks to me like the guys who read the dictionary in preperation for SAT,GRE, XYZ and now regurgitate it on us..

Thanks,
Avkrishna

PS: Ozer, hope your event management business is going strong

hamid m declares:

``save the children`` - suddenly your slogans have turned a touch philanthropic ? so beneath the rough tough and tumble exterior resides a softer hamid ?

`` buy a fifty cent notebook``

first snoop dogg now 50 cent i take it your musical penchant veers towards rap ?

``for god`s sake don`t inflict it on the unsuspecting public``

do not moralise. the public are savvyy enough to formulate their own opinions. they will ultimately render their own verdict.

`` they might think that it positively stinks, but they don`t have the courage to stand up and say, ``it stinks!`` ....... why?

one of the salient reasons for which chowk was founded was to give a discerning public that outlet of self-expression, for a readership to air their concerns and criticism.

it is only hoped that such criticism has an iota of underlying merit.

``might think they are country bumpkins who just fell off the turnip truck ``

hamid leaving aside your own innate insecurities, not everyone has such a low self-esteem of themselves. rise to the plate and fear not what others think of you dear boy.

``.......... as responsible citizens of this world, it is our duty to put an end to this craven literary deception when we see it; otherwise, future generations will have to suffer the ignominy of having to repeat nonsense ``

what sloganeering my my, ever thought of taking a stab at politics ?

your rhetoric is certainly spot on ``50 cented snoop dog``.

av krishna

thanks for your sentiments. actually i am folding up the events management business
here in london and will be moving to belgium for a bit, to pursue a legal career followed by a return to Pakistan. after trekking 4 corners of the globe it is time for me to settle down i guess.......

Ozer, {``Woman might be fickle; yes this is true
she`ll eavesdrop on her heart to justify
the lusting for a flame to flicker anew
of a poignant passion she can`t deny.``}

Another hauntingly beautiful poem rendered in the best tradtions of Byron and Poe. You are truly gifted and I must ask if you are a descendant of Mir?

Good job and please keep writing. :)

Dear Readers,

All too often on Chowk, interactors cast smarmy rash generalisations on a piece of writing. It is hoped that whilst criticising you might endeavour to give more substantive examples as to where the fault lines of a piece/poem dwell.

Any writer, no matter of what professional or amateur credence, nourishes from every resourceful critique such as that of bj kumar`s who referred to the rhythm, structure and topicality of this poem. Rather than launching into an all too tempting personal diatribe.

Nowhere near perfection, we are all working towards healthier, and it hoped more informative personal self-expression. Cease the mud-slinging.