Hercule Poirot’s Christmas

#7 by bjkumar

Yaar, I am no writer, except to the extent we all are writers.

True, but not everyone has the ability to express their thoughts as eloquently as they can think, and therein I think lies the difference.

I`m surprised to hear that you aren`t a writer. Well, if you really aren`t, I think you should take it up seriously. You have that rare ability to faithfully relay your thoughts without deviations, because for folks like us, the intensity and passion in our thoughts usually gets lost while translation. What is more, you aren`t afraid of offending peoples` sensibilities, which adds to the clarity of your thoughts.

The Regatta Mystery

The lady in the front office was wearing deep red lipstick and a highly revealing red dress. She looked at me in an all too familiar manner – something that she did routinely as part of her profession, I was sure.

“Welcome to the Regatta apartments, please take a look at our available floor plans!” Her voice was cheery as the breeze.

I started flipping through the brochures. Not too bad, as marketing materials go.

“Do you live near the Annapolis area?”

“No, I am from abroad.”

Her interest perked up. I could almost read her thoughts – big fish ahead!

“Lucky for you! I am sure you will truly enjoy our community. In this county, you will find it truly difficult to beat our combination deal of luxury, convenience and fun that we offer. We have floor plans to meet every need.”

She got up from her location and walked next to where I stood. Her dress was even more revealing than I had realized.

“We got one, two, and three bedroom floor plans. We got lofts and we got dens! You ask for it – we got it!” Her eyes shone triumphantly. She moved closer and I could smell the perfume. It was highly intoxicating.

“Well…”

“We got nine-foot ceilings, we got fireplaces! You want garage, my dear?” Her words came out more melodious than the chime of church bells.

“I have not thought about it.”

“We are located right between Baltimore and Washington, DC – equally convenient to reach both places. You like indoor parking?” Her voice turned husky.

“I suppose.”

She whispered: “We got elevators!”

“I see.”

She moved even closer: “We got balconies and we got patios! Our units include fiber-optic internet, Berber carpet, walk-in closets, gourmet kitchens with gas cooking, granite countertops, and breakfast bars. My dear, you’ll think you’ve arrived at a five-star resort!”

The problem of course is that five-star resorts cost a LOT of money – but who was going to tell her that!

She turned her full charm on. Her smile broadened and she whispered: “You will have more fun here than you could ever have anywhere!”

It felt like the temperature had shot up five degrees in a matter of seconds.

“Would you like me to give you a tour?” There was a naughty twinkle in her eyes.

I began to sweat.

I looked around the model unit. Just like I guessed – the fellow was missing. No sense of punctuality, these Asians!

I picked up my hat and turned to the lady.

“Actually, I was here to see the janitor, mademoiselle, kindly give him this card – my name is Poirot.”

What I like about this is is the fact that is is very well crafted. Everything about it was quite agreeable even the wake-up call at the end.

#6 Harish_Hyd

Thank you, Harish.

Congratulations on being the first interactor on this board – one with the actual courage to show up.

For this special accomplishment, I hereby grant you the titles of

“An honorary member of the Friends of the Knight”!

as well as

“The First Fan of the Beej”!

(Note on the second title: the field is not VERY crowded!)

Yaar, I am no writer, except to the extent we all are writers.

You see yaar, we all go through life hearing all kinds of exhortations – mostly something along the line:

Cut that smile, you are a bozo!

However, there are exceptions, too. Sometimes, somewhere, when you least expect it, something turns to you and says:

Smile, you are a poet!

Or,

Smile, you are funny!

Or,

Smile, you are a writer!

And then, one does as bid – or what comes to oneself (sometimes morbid).

Clearly, I conduct the verbal outpour (as well as the verbal duels) just for the fun of it. This whole piece, between start and the end, took about an hour or perhaps less, and then I spent another hour trying to upload it!

Before uploading, I did make one key change and will perhaps let people know what it was – in the unlikely event that the concerned parties actually show up here.

Beautiful....you had me interested till the very end! Tell me, Beej bhai, are you really a writer? I cannot imagine you as anything else, you write so beautifully and passionately.

Some Famous Quotes from Hercule Poirot
(Excerpted from http://www.poirot.us/pprofile.html)
(Categorization by Beej K. Singh)

Topic	What Hercule Poirot Said
On his place in the scheme of things	“I belong to the world.”
On murder	“I do not approve of murder.”
On anatomy	“It is the brain, the little gray cells on which one must rely. One must seek the truth within--not without.”
On material wealth	“I can assure you, mademoiselle, that where money is concerned I am strictly a man of business.”
On humility	“I, who have undoubtedly the finest brain in Europe at present, can afford to be magnanimous!”
On fans	“Mon ami, what will you? You fix upon me a look of doglike devotion and demand of me a pronouncement a la Sherlock Holmes!”
On freedom of speech	“It would be most unwise on your part to attempt to silence me as you silenced M. Ackroyd. That kind of business does not succeed against Hercule Poirot, you understand.”
On punctuality and being regular	“If one partakes of the five o`clock, one does not approach the dinner with the proper quality of expectant gastric juices. And the dinner, let us remember, is the supreme meal of the day!”
On what is superficial	“You have the mistaken idea implanted in your head that a detective is necessarily a man who puts on a false beard and hides behind a pillar! The false beard, it is vieux jeu, and shadowing is only done by the lowest branch of my profession. The Hercule Poirots, my friend, need only to sit back in a chair and think.”
On his limitations as a human being	“It is my weakness, it has always been my weakness, to desire to show off.” “Eh bien, since you are too stupid to guess, I will tell you. I am human, am I not? I can be the machine if it is necessary. I can lie back and think. I can solve the problems so. But I am human, I tell you. And the problems concern human beings.”
What he would say of the present story	“I cannot, truly I cannot, sit in a chair all day reflecting how truly admirable I am.”
What he would say of chowk.com	“It shows you, Madame, the dangers of conversation. It is a profound belief of mine that if you can induce a person to talk to you for long enough, on any subject whatever, sooner or later they will give themselves away.”

Song of the Poirot

(Enter Hercule Poirot with the Beej)

Hercule Poirot (HP):
Kitne loag the?

Beej (B):
Sirdar, buss ek!

HP:
Aur sabhie saale kahan mar gaye?

B:
Sirdar, lagtaa hai woh aapke naam se khauf khaa gaye.
Aaap ko chahiye tha ki koi Mussalmaanon-wala naam rakh liye hote!
Jaise, Qasim ali Shah – Jaasoose-sirdar!
Aapkee moochh ke saath bhi sahee baithta!

HP:
Yeh saale siraaf puraane raag sun-na chaahte hain.
Too aisa kar, kuchh gaana waana sunaate hain!

B:
Sirdar, aap ko Qawwali aatee hai?

HP:
Naheen. Tujhe hee kuchh gaana sunaana padega.

B:
Sirdar, kaun saa gaana sunaaoon?

HP:
Musharraf ko gaaliyaan dene wala.

B:
Sirdar, woh yehan baithta nahin!

HP:
To tamaam Pakistanion ko gaaliyan sunaa!

B:
Sirdar, woh bechare pehle se maare jaa chuke hain! Aur jo kuchh kasar thee woh Manto ne poori kar dee!

HP:
To Amrikka ko gaaliyan suna! Sabhie daur kar aayenge!

B:
Sirdar, Ram, Ram – aap kya keh rahe hain?!!
Thahariye, ek upai karta hoon!

(Beej magically transforms into Captain Hastings)

HP:
Yeh dosti hum nahin todenge
Todenge dam magar tera saath na chhodenge

Hastings (H):
Ae meri jeet teri jeet, teri haar meri haar
Sun ae mere yaar

HP:
Tera gham mera gham, meri jaan teri jaan
Aisa apna pyaar

Both:
Jaan pe bhi khelenge, tere liye le lenge
Jaan pe bhi khelenge, tere liye le lenge
Sab se dushmani

HP:
Yeh dosti hum nahin todenge

H:
Todenge dam magar

Both:
Tera saath na chhodenge

HP:
Logon ko aate hain do nazar hum magar
Dekho do nahin

H:
Arre ho judaa ya khafa ae khuda hai dua
Aisa ho nahin

HP:
Khaana peena saath hai

H:
Marna jeena saath hai

HP:
Khaana peena saath hai
Marna jeena saath hai

Both:
Saari zindagi
Yeh dosti hum nahin todenge
Todenge dam magar tera saath na chhodenge

(Exit Hercule Poirot and Beej)

(Later, Captain Hastings enters alone)

H:
Too ne yeh kya kiya, bewafaa ban gayaa, waadaa todke
Main akela reh gaya, too maghar chal diya, mujhko chhodke
Jhootha tera waada tha, rehne ka iraada tha
Saari zindagi…
Per…yeh dosti hum nahin todenge
Todenge dam magar tera saath na chhodenge

(Exit Captain Hastings)

Actors that have portrayed Hercule Poirot

Actor	Story
Austin Trevor	Alibi (The Murder of Roger Ackroyd) (1931) Black Coffee (1931) Lord Edgware Dies (1934)
Tony Randall	(Satire) The Alphabet Murders (The ABC Murders) (1965)
Albert Finney	Murder on the Orient Express (1974)
Peter Ustinov	Death on the Nile (1978) Evil Under the Sun (1982) Thirteen at Dinner (Lord Edgware Dies) (1985) Dead Man`s Folly (1986) Murder in Three Acts (1986) Appointment With Death (1988)
David Suchet	1989 The Adventure of the Clapham Cook Murder in the Mews The Adventure of Johnnie Waverly Four and Twenty Blackbirds The Third-Floor Flat Triangle at Rhodes Problem At Sea The Incredible Theft The King of Clubs The Dream 1990 Peril at End House The Veiled Lady The Lost Mine The Cornish Mystery The Disappearance of Mr. Davenheim Double Sin The Adventure of the Cheap Flat The Kidnapped Prime Minister The Adventure of the Western Star The Mysterious Affair at Styles 1991 How Does Your Garden Grow? The Million Dollar Bond Robbery The Affair at the Victory Ball Wasp`s Nest The Tragedy at Marsdon Manor The Double Clue The Mystery of the Spanish Chest The Theft of the Royal Ruby The Plymouth Express The Mystery of Hunters Lodge 1992 The A.B.C. Murders Death in the Clouds One, Two, Buckle My Shoe 1993 The Adventure of the Egyptian Tomb The Under Dog Yellow Iris The Case of the Missing Will The Adventure of the Italian Nobleman The Chocolate Box Dead Man`s Mirror The Jewel Robbery at the Grand Metropolitan 1995 & 1996 Hercule Poirot`s Christmas Hickory Dickory Dock Murder on the Links 1997 Dumb Witness 2000 The Murder of Roger Ackroyd Lord Edgware Died 2001 Evil Under the Sun Murder in Mesopotamia 2003 & 2004 Five Little Pigs Sad Cypress Death on the Nile The Hollow 2006 The Mystery of the Blue Train Cards on the Table After the Funeral Taken at the Flood 2007 Mrs McGinty`s Dead Dead Man`s Folly

The Unexpected Guest

(Enter Hercule Poirot)

Beej (B): Mr. Poirot, how nice of you to drop by!
Poirot (P): Monsieur, you say it like I had a choice in the matter!
B: (Ignoring) Hey, you are not very tall.
P: Perhaps so. But I sure got dignity! Certainly more than you do!
B: (Ignoring) And that mustache – it looks so stiff! You don`t wax it, by any chance?!
P: I refuse to answer such personal questions.
B: And it is so black – you didn`t by any chance color it?
P: So what if I did?! You Monsieur, perhaps WISH you had a bit more hair to color – on top of your head, that is.
B: (Ignoring) Tell me something – how come all those crooks have been telling you every little thing? I mean, most of your cases would never get solved if those folks did not let their mouths run!
P: You have to remember monsieur, those villains did not come with lawyers in tow – advising them of taking the Fifth at the drop of the hat. Also, if I may say it myself – I am considered a pretty harmless person in person – even though I may be capable of what you may call from–far–away violence! You on the other hand…
B: Stop trying to get back at me and tell me about yourself. Tell me about the individual that houses the phenomenon. You were born in Belgium in 1885 – in a big family, little money. The usual hard luck story?!
P: I resent your implications, whatever those may be!
B: Isn`t it true that you were raised by nuns?
P: I am not talking.
B: You have yourself said you were raised by nuns, you said it to certain book characters.
P: How do you know I was not only trying to elicit information from them?
B: So you moved to Britain after retirement? When was that?
P: If you must know, it was during what you would call the First World War.
B: Gee, you must be older than a boulder! You moved as a refugee? It must have hurt to lose home and become a refugee!
P: Ne pas compatir, monsieur!
B: Still touchy, I see. Tell me about this Hastings guy.
P: Arthur Hastings – and for your information, it was CAPTAIN Hastings! No person ever had a truer friend.
B: Was he a true confidante?
P: I only told him what he needed to know. He had limited needs.
B: So what was the smartest case that you solved?
P: Monsieur, unlike you – I refuse to indulge in self–promotion!
B: You mean you are a sucker for false modesty?
P: I did not say that. As far as the cases are concerned – the murder of Roger Ackroyd has been widely discussed favorably.
B: Was he a brother of Dan Ackroyd?
P: Monsieur, your pathetic attempts at humor fail invariably.
B: Which case was the most dangerous case – The Big Four?
P: It certainly was the most international in scope.
B: You are said to have “retired” at least five times. Is it fair to term you a workaholic?
P: Not by choice. All I wanted to do was to move to the countryside and grow vegetable marrows. Unfortunately, the murder of Roger Ackroyd happened right on my door step. Then it was Mrs. McGinty, I tried again but then heard about the clocks.
B: You used to encounter murder in the most unlikely places, didn`t you? I mean just think about it – murder on the Orient Express? Death on the Nile? Death in the clouds? Come on!
P: Well, murder happens!
B: Like crap it does! And who in their right mind would try to solve long ago cases just sitting in an armchair, for Chrissake?!!! And for your information, nobody uses that type of furniture any more.
P: I notice you are yourself partial to couches!
B: (Ignoring) So, you finally decided to take on 12 more cases, which you so modestly called “the Labors of Hercules” before retiring again! And yet the retirement never happened?!
P: You could say that.
B: You killed a crook – who was a perfect murderer – who could never have been convicted in a court of law. And so you had to die yourself – in order to maintain your sense of poetic justice. Is that right?
P: Why does that bother YOU?!! And talking of you, won`t it be considered terrible the way you have been usurping those titles left and right – it probably violates all known forms of copyright laws! Scandaleux!
B: Hush, be quiet. I have been in enough trouble with this crowd already on that score. And why this obsession with order and neatness?! What`s wrong with being a bit messy?
P: The order and neatness is a prerequisite to having those little grey cells work right.
B: And you used to puzzle so much about the younger generation – you said that you never understood them.
P: Well, I WAS getting older. The modern youngsters, with their drug culture, and their pop culture – were beyond my understanding.
B: If you are referring to the sixties – well, we don`t consider that generation “young” any more.
P: You are NOT referring to yourself, by any chance?!!
B: (Ignoring) So, Mr. Poirot – here is the key question. Have you ever let any crooks go?
P: Monsieur, what kind of insulting question is that! I have devoted my lifetime to catching criminals – like you say so yourself.
B: My sources tell me otherwise, though! In fact, you allowed several to escape.
P: Bon Seigneur!!!
B: Does the name Vera Rossakoff mean anything to you?
P: Monsieur, I must leave at once!
B: WHY did you let her go?
P: Ceci est indigne!
B: You were not sweet on her, were you?!!!
P: Vous voir plus tard!
B: You know what Mary Westmacott said of you?!
P: No, but I have a feeling you WILL tell me.
B: I quote: “It was the misfortune of the small precise man to hanker after large and flamboyant women.”
P: Monsieur, you are terrible! I have not the least desire to continue this conversation!
B: You are not very appealing yourself! I can see why SHE started finding you “insufferable” – and only within a few years of your debut, too!
P: Comment cruel de vous! How cruel of you to bring that up!
B: Let me see – didn`t she call you a “detestable, bombastic, tiresome, ego–centric little creep”?
P: Ah my man, but she “carried” me for another fifty years after that!
B: That`s because the public liked you.
P: Of course, monsieur! Regarder autour de vous!
B: Are you trying to drop me a hint or something?
P: Oui, mais vous l`avez manqué!

(Exit Hercule Poirot)