Blue Line

Heavy Stuff!

Excellent article.
That`s all I can say :)

``I become the person I have struggled to unlearn. ``

This is a great fukin` line.. deserves a whole blazing riff of fire of its own around t.h.i.s.o.n.e.l.i.n.e.

But is this really a short story ? Not talking of whatever the academic definition for short-story is but it seems to me (as an ordinary reader) a first image of a short story. Or maybe it is too literal in its unfolding for me.

The italicized internal monologue definitely has a lot of potential... see how you could break it more and rebuild it maybe? I don`t know.

This is more of a ``snapshot`` story - a story written about one particular moment in time. And thank you about the line-liking...it was an essentially personal line. Any other takers? Whatever happened to the brutality.

chowk`s finally got something fresh on fp.

piercing tale. analogy of transit(ion) was used effectively.

Re: # 4

Other great lines too:

`that their baby, a person closer than close, an embryonic cell, an extension of themselves; is suddenly laden with a burden of her own?` (nice detour thru the tunnel and then loopback).

`The box lies in its own pool of light, wearing its halo of innocence` (like the wearing of a robe by a `blameless` judge who judged you pregnant).

kaka wonders if any pregnant girl ever feel this way.. or are these just wordsmithing?

wordsmithing, no doubt, is impeccable but sum total is shortchanged on `communication`. I do not get what the message was, other than pure melancholy. I didn`t see the moral dilemma nor conflict that fed into that melancholy. Unless there is a conflict, the only thing that can cause melancholy is pathology (of mind).

Maryam,

You have a beautiful way with words. It`s not easy to capture emotions with words elegantly.
Please keep writing.

Chowk staff,

Now this is the kind of writing we need more of.

Re: # 7

Correct me if I`m wrong Maryam. The narrator mentions there is no ring on her third finger, which I believe is a hint that she`s unmarried. Therein lies the conflict. It could be more complicated than that. Perhaps she`s divorced.

Re: # 3

that IS a great line among many. good piece!

A fresh new voice... an expert handling of conflicting emotions, moral issues and unresolved dilemmas.

There`s a depth to your writing, Maryam. A great read all the way.

Re: # 9
No, you`re not wrong. The reason I brought that to attention was because she`s not married and she`s pregnant...so...! :) And thank you everyone, for liking this.

This is a great piece. Keep writing.

The attention to details in truly commendable, keeps the reader interested till the end. A great read.

Good story - the anguish comes through loud and clear.

There are more than one ways to be invested emotionally – not all of which involve the very physical act of sex. Also, things can not be set “right” through an act of abortion, which seems to be implied toward the end of the story.

What is there to ``unlearn`` about taking care of what is one`s own?!

Re: # 15
Nope, I have not implied abortion at all. Although the ending is very open to interpretation, she simply isn`t ready to receive a definitive answer to the question of whether or not she is pregnant. The ending denotes a blue line flickering on and off...not just on.

Secondly, you didn`t understand the context of the line in conjunction with what preceded it - she wants to make a decision on her own, not with the help of her mother. Hints of it have been dropped throughout the story. She`s struggled to unlearn herself - the person she was before as opposed to who she wants to be now.

I really thought the story conveyed all this...