The Horse and The Zebra
Rafi Aamer July 12, 2007
#16 Posted by rafi_aamer on July 12, 2007 1:46:20 pm
Re: # 12 by Raw Dust
Thanks for your feedback. This was my very first attempt at fiction and I intend to follow your advice of keep writing. Who knows, I might one day succeed to unroll and separate all the people you have mentioned. :)
Rafi
Thanks for your feedback. This was my very first attempt at fiction and I intend to follow your advice of keep writing. Who knows, I might one day succeed to unroll and separate all the people you have mentioned. :)
Rafi
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#12 Posted by Raw_Dust on July 12, 2007 1:22:12 pm
This is like Shahab meets Ashfaq meets Banu Qudsia meets AN Qasmi meets Munnu Bhai all rolled into one. I don`t like it. There is no story here, it is more like a cliched character sketch peppered with obligatory details of the narrator. But for chowk standards - it`s definitely one of the tops. Please, keep writing.
#20 Posted by neembu on July 12, 2007 2:49:10 pm
Re: # 19
raw_dust, don`t tell me you are in the sciences...
raw_dust, don`t tell me you are in the sciences...
#19 Posted by Raw_Dust on July 12, 2007 2:17:28 pm
re #14
I said cliched cos I`d come across Shazzy character a few times before. The ideal ``Loser`` who comes from a unique place preferably grew up in a not so closely knit family, financially in the flux, he opts for the ``Arts`` major (humanities: MA) enroute to a life as a clerical-underling scraping the bottom hole of the class-hierarchy.
Qayyum from Raja Gidh was one such character, Ashfaq Ahmed and Qasmi`s short stories are littered with these specimen which is not to say they aren`t good. It is just that this guy`s been done before and a heck of a lot better.
rafi_aamer: Sure. For the first time writing this is very very well-done.! Brought me a lot of good memories. (I can`t write two lines properly just so you know.)
I said cliched cos I`d come across Shazzy character a few times before. The ideal ``Loser`` who comes from a unique place preferably grew up in a not so closely knit family, financially in the flux, he opts for the ``Arts`` major (humanities: MA) enroute to a life as a clerical-underling scraping the bottom hole of the class-hierarchy.
Qayyum from Raja Gidh was one such character, Ashfaq Ahmed and Qasmi`s short stories are littered with these specimen which is not to say they aren`t good. It is just that this guy`s been done before and a heck of a lot better.
rafi_aamer: Sure. For the first time writing this is very very well-done.! Brought me a lot of good memories. (I can`t write two lines properly just so you know.)
#21 Posted by bongdongs on July 12, 2007 3:01:19 pm
I`m sure we all could see the Rafi`s and Shazi`s we know in this story.
My congratulations, very nicely written Rafi-bhai.
My congratulations, very nicely written Rafi-bhai.
#23 Posted by neembu on July 12, 2007 5:50:06 pm
Re: # 22
Raw_Dust, that comment was not directed at you personally. However, is the following any less of a generalization of an entire sphere of intellectual inquiry?
``..The ideal ``Loser`` who comes from a unique place preferably grew up in a not so closely knit family, financially in the flux, he opts for the ``Arts`` major (humanities: MA) enroute to a life as a clerical-underling scraping the bottom hole of the class-hierarchy...``
Raw_Dust, that comment was not directed at you personally. However, is the following any less of a generalization of an entire sphere of intellectual inquiry?
``..The ideal ``Loser`` who comes from a unique place preferably grew up in a not so closely knit family, financially in the flux, he opts for the ``Arts`` major (humanities: MA) enroute to a life as a clerical-underling scraping the bottom hole of the class-hierarchy...``
#22 Posted by Raw_Dust on July 12, 2007 3:06:42 pm
#20
And you have no idea what I am talking about. How long does it take you to get personal, have you ever time-watched yourself smartass?
And you have no idea what I am talking about. How long does it take you to get personal, have you ever time-watched yourself smartass?
#24 Posted by okhla99 on July 12, 2007 7:33:37 pm
Kudos to the author.
The beauty of his writing lies in the details. Ordinary people and events. Lovely detailing. Thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
Keep up the good work.
The beauty of his writing lies in the details. Ordinary people and events. Lovely detailing. Thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
Keep up the good work.
#25 Posted by rajesh_shankara on July 12, 2007 7:51:22 pm
Rafi,
Fantastic story kept me hooked right till the end. The dramatic tension is maintained right till the end. I agree with the comment that you ought to ship this around. Nonsense about the zebras not accepting pet food. If a zebra is born in a zoo, it will have to accept the keeper`s handouts but is still true to character as long as it does not pull a wagon or a plough.
Fantastic story kept me hooked right till the end. The dramatic tension is maintained right till the end. I agree with the comment that you ought to ship this around. Nonsense about the zebras not accepting pet food. If a zebra is born in a zoo, it will have to accept the keeper`s handouts but is still true to character as long as it does not pull a wagon or a plough.
#27 Posted by saadme on July 13, 2007 2:34:11 am
Excellent read my friend.
Something I`m struggling with now. I`m somewhat of a Zebra, parents want me to be a horse. So here I am doing accounting, when what I want to do is philosophy, and dedicate my time to my music and my photography....that`s life
Something I`m struggling with now. I`m somewhat of a Zebra, parents want me to be a horse. So here I am doing accounting, when what I want to do is philosophy, and dedicate my time to my music and my photography....that`s life
#28 Posted by zeemax on July 13, 2007 2:38:36 am
Good one. Most people would have known a character like Shazi. I know at-least two.
#29 Posted by burpinder on July 13, 2007 3:39:00 am
Beautiful. Really truly.
My advice- find yourself a good editor and get this published pronto. You are wasting your time on chowk.
My advice- find yourself a good editor and get this published pronto. You are wasting your time on chowk.
#30 Posted by goonga on July 13, 2007 4:43:33 am
#5 by drsohail on July 12, 2007 12:52pm PT
``i hope you keep on writing essays and stories and not be discouraged
by the criticism...all the best...sohail``
from story...
``Yes, he is.`` I replied. The another betrayal was executed.
To me, its a such topic which compels to write what ever is inside the writer, If I were to write, friends, emotions, regrets would be my best choice so I really liked reading it. But I still find it a piece from ``Suspense Digest``. sorry for that.
Question:
Rafi, what would you do if you were Zebra? would you remain zebra or hide in horses or damage your lines or ...?
``i hope you keep on writing essays and stories and not be discouraged
by the criticism...all the best...sohail``
from story...
``Yes, he is.`` I replied. The another betrayal was executed.
To me, its a such topic which compels to write what ever is inside the writer, If I were to write, friends, emotions, regrets would be my best choice so I really liked reading it. But I still find it a piece from ``Suspense Digest``. sorry for that.
Question:
Rafi, what would you do if you were Zebra? would you remain zebra or hide in horses or damage your lines or ...?
#31 Posted by iron_mask on July 13, 2007 4:56:57 am
a great story - Rafi
plenty of rafishness ot it, and a delight to read on FP. what makes it even more delightful is that FP has been given over to political trash which donot make no diference to people`s lives.
Yours atleast brought a smile to the face!
Well done.
plenty of rafishness ot it, and a delight to read on FP. what makes it even more delightful is that FP has been given over to political trash which donot make no diference to people`s lives.
Yours atleast brought a smile to the face!
Well done.
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