The Haunting, I believed

#5 Posted by aik_aur_insaan on October 6, 2007 11:59:30 am

Great idea for a story.
Positives: the dreamy state the protagonist seemed to be in, taking in the wind and the feel of the woman's head, seeing her smile at him.
These descriptions make the reader think that this is all real; the idea of anybody being a ghost here doesn't enter the reader's mind.
Suggestions:
I agree with what someone wrote below - trust your reader.
There is SUCH potential in this story for a lovely surprise ghostly ending, where the guy realizes at the end that hey, he's dead after all.
That second last (or last?) paragraph where he starts saying, 'See, ..' and then explains how he had died, could be done without. Instead, you could SHOW us what he's thinking, you could show us through HIS memory going back to that fatal night.
You could run away with this great story, if revised.

#4 Posted by guarana on September 22, 2007 7:31:44 am

Nice.....sustained thread of slightly eerie mystery running throughout, even if it does go slack at times. The ghost himself isn't sure of whether he is fully dead or not, almost like Night Shyamalan's doctor in "The Sixth Sense", who trails behind the kid who "sees dead people" and finally realizes that he himself is the ghost.

#3 Posted by SadiaK on September 19, 2007 5:31:32 am

Very well written and held my attention. Didn't disappoint.

but i agree with the comment below, trust us, hints are not necessary.

keep writing.. I'm waiting to see more :)
If I was a star, I\'d be Sirius A

#2 Posted by ayesha. on September 18, 2007 7:00:05 am

Very captivating. Made me read thru it till the end.

#1 Posted by thinkingstorm on September 14, 2007 5:36:25 pm

Ali,

I commented on the two stories above you saying that they were boring.

Yours was not.

It grabbed me from the first sentence. I relished the first paragraph, and enjoyed the whole thing.

The picture you paint; the longing; the first meeting...it is very vivid and beautiful.

There is a lyrical quality to the first part of your story.

The second part falters.

1. You should choose a tone and stick with it. Lyrical, as in the first part, or matter of fact, as in the second part. I prefer lyrical.

2. Trust your reader. You hook us in with that first paragraph, we are reading now...trust us. Trust our intelligence. You threw in a lot of "clues" when the protaganist is with the girl. "I imagined" etc. No need. Similarly, the ending...don't yank us out of that magical place to describe things matter of factly now...go with the original tone...don't tell us about the red lexus and leaving in an ambulance...make us re-live it if you want.

ANyway, very good effort. I look forward to seeing more from you.

with much respect,
thinking storm