White

Re: # 5
Oh I completely agree regarding the need for writing. Why do we write? Because we need to, it's a compulsion.

For me, and this is my own personal opinion, formulated more on the basis of a writer, reader and critic than an editor. I'm not an editor by profession, to be clear.

However, I do think that the short bursts were overdone. There were times when you didn't need them and I felt that's where the real weakness was.

You are of course, utterly free to disagree with me.

If you've read my work here, you'll agree: I don't go for formulaic either. But I do think that the bursts of speech and expression were a tad overdone. My point being: nothing stops you from using them, but if you are going to use them, then use them to your advantage. Sprinkle them. Tease the reader. It just seemed like overkill to me.

:)

later.

Re: # 4

WHITE is one of my recent experimental pieces, different from my previous work that you might have seen showcased on chowk.

I find the terse, clipped expression very appealing and useful to convey the feeling depicted in a piece such as this one. I do not feel the need to comply with any set of rules in this regard.

Sometimes, editors who prefer formulaic pieces, ruin spontanaety and originality in their enthusiasm to make the pieces that push the envelope conform to their pre-conceived notions. Much budding talent has been sacrificed on their altar.

Writing, I find, is not entirely a learned art, though practice makes 'better'. It resides within the soul. It is nurtured with blood, sweat and tears. It is an urge. An identity.

Okay...I read this and thought it had potential. There are two reasons a writer writes publically - the first is to be read and admired - the second is to get better. If it's the former, I can't help you. If it's the latter however, I have a wealth of things to say.

Firstly, the short blipy sentences - they work sometimes - but to write an entire story of them...aaaaaaah! A yowl of frustration.

There are parts where you build up the right amount of emotion and then bam! The short sentences and the flow ends...it stops dead in its tracks and continues in glitches, like a computer when it's been turned on for too long.

I could go over this piece and edit it...really edit it...mostly because I do that as it is but secondly, because this piece needs it.

The piece in its present condition has its moments...but oh! Imagine it edited and touched up...it'd be bloody brilliant! Unfortunately, this isn't a forum and I can 'quote' and point out my suggestions.

However, I would suggest if you're willing to improve your work to check out dwl.net - google it. It's a nice place and I can guarantee you'll improve.

But for now: know that short sentences are there to make an impact, much like capitalizing certain words are. An overuse of either can kill a piece.
There are worse prisons than words

Re #1
BJKumar...readers judge pieces subjectively - some appreciate, some criticize and some reject altogether. I'm absolutely amazed at your ability to empathise with the narrator. Everything you say in your comment is how I meant it to be. Even the poem. Thanks so much for taking out the time to let me know your views...and the wholesome praise!

Re#2
Cigar...Thanks for writing to me to share your views. I'm glad you enjoyed the piece and consider it worth the generous praise!

Oh My, I just felt white cold walls coming upon me. You
created magic. keep up

Tehera,

(I read your piece as an account of somebody who visits an older family member lost to Alzheimer.)

This is a well-written, from-the-heart story. The anguish and helplessness come through so vividly.

White is a plain color, yet in reality, it encompasses all the colors of life! :)

And in the end, it also holds us in its everlasting embrace.

Clearly, death is not the most painful way to lose a loved one – it is much worse to still have them physically there yet to lose them at the same time, making what was real no more so – the world seeming to come apart as the worlds separate. Being torn between hope and despair – while those on the outside laugh – patient, compassionate, and clueless! All the emotions which you have captured so well!!

The writing here appears to flow extremely smooth – a bit like a light, sweet beverage.

Parts of it read almost as if it were meant to be a poem…for example,

…Before the woman
Comes along
To tell me
It is time
The woman
That wears
A stern face
And bears
A stern voice
Will I see
A spark
From the past?
Through the haze?
Maybe not
Maybe tomorrow
Is tomorrow
Another day?
The crisp, stern voice speaks
I have to go
I hug her tightly
Taking the warmth
Of her being
With me
In the comfort
Of my home
Where she no longer lives
And silence prevails
….

Tehera, I am jealous of your writing this piece! :)