Inside you

Re: # 2

not necessarily a lesson, just a reminder to consider versions that are radically revised, shook up, read backwards, side wise, etc.

Thanks, neembu.
A good lesson to all us aspiring poets that less can sometimes be more....

nice! half of these lines need editing out:

Color drifts apart from the painter’s brush
the picture, inside you
The ocean turns itself, within, without
the fish, inside you
The bullet leaves the barrel,
Says the suffering: I am inside you
Birds float to another place
wind inside you
The desert shifting pattern
caravans,inside you
As life arrives in the early hours
Death unfolding within you.

Or something along those lines. Try experimenting and breaking out of this poem's structure, see what happens.