The Psychology of Mothering

Re: # 16
dear charlie...you have interesting points of view. mother nature is sometimes kind and sometimes cruel. if we leave it to mother nature we would not be treating patients for their physical or mental illnesses. we may not even be using contraception. mother nature has it wrong when a 12 years old girl can become pregnant as she cannot look after the baby.
i agree with you though that parents try to make their children like themselves and curb their creativity. enjoyed your feedback...all the best...sohail

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Khalid sahib:

Mothering is one of the primal instincts in living beings.

Family, home, social, cultural, and other influences come later. Most of us are probably born with this primal instinct, or acquire it when as baby we were nurtured by our mother. Above later influences act to separate each of us from our primal instinct. This starts when we are taught to grow as a boy or a girl. Or when we become aware of our sexuality, becuase society has rules for expressing sexuality. As a result "roles" evolve, very few break out from these moulds, and we continue to grow. Many do breakoout for whatever reasons, come out to be wonderful father and even a single parent.

This is a view looking inside-out at mothering from an individual's. Looking outside-in at mothering from society to individual is incorrect. This gives a distorted view of roles and reponsibilities, and you end up defining "mothering" in terms constructs which all came after the fact. Irrespective of the fact whether the outcome of mothering is Massaddi Mian or Hamidm Mian.

Role of an individual is the only role in mothering, others can at best play support role.

Re: # 19
dear anil...thank you for your detailed comments. can you clarify
how do you think men and women have similar or different paternal instincts?
how do you think culture influences parents in their parental responsibilities. thanks sohail

Re: # 20

Khaid sahib:

I probably lack the professional basis to answer your questions. What I wrote or write is how I feel. Therefore, your comments on it may be more valuable than mine.

However, when a baby cries mother's breasts fill up with milk, tells me that men and women probably have different responses. Both father and mother respond to their baby's cries differently than other cries. Babies too know their mother or father's touch. Eye contacts, smiles, and cries that babies bring out lead me to believe that this connection is more than acquired. This has to be very primal, as I have seen it among birds, chimpanzees, dogs etc. In documentaries I have seen it with tigress more than tigers, hence again some male female thing I suppose. Mothering is beyond humans, and hence has to be primal is my reason.

I think culture plays a very little part in mothering. Instead, what parents and siblings do in the family probably influences more. There is no doubt that parents are influenced by the cultural surroundings and religious beliefs and adopt certain parenting style. Therefore, cultural and religious influence is secondary and can influence parenting, but not mothering.

What do you think, Khalid sahib?

dr sohail,

"i agree with you though that parents try to make their children like themselves and curb their creativity. enjoyed your feedback"

.......... i diagree vehemently ! ....... i think that most parents would like to make their children what they are not unless they happen to be a mullah or a fool ........ i hope to god that my two daughters don't grow up to me like me or their mother - they can do a whole lot better! ...... besides, as mrs hamidm says they are too smart to be engineers or doctors - any head wagging madrasi can do that .... i want them to grow up to be investment bankers or lawyers or professional golfers ! .... what is more important is that they should be happy

Re: # 22
dear hamidm2...i think you misunderstood me. i am notquestioning the intention of parents. they mean well. they are trying to do the best for their children. but what they think is best for the children might not be the best. parents are also role models and play a big role unconsciously. when mother is depressed and unhappy herself or father does not take of himself how can a child learn to be happy or learn to take care . i think you and i are on the same page. we are just using different ways to express the same thing....to help children the best they can be in expressing their potential. sincerely sohail
ps...i liked the passion in your response

Re: # 21
dear anil...you are just being modest. your comments are very insightful. i agree with you that many behaviours are instinctual. the mystery is that i am meeting many women in my personal and professional lives who seem to lack that instinct while there are more men who are showing it. that makes me wonder whether our cultures are having a serious impact on our instinctual behaviour. just a thought.
enjoyed the dialogue with you...sincerely sohail

Re: # 21

anil mian,

"However, when a baby cries mother's breasts fill up with milk, tells me that men and women probably have different responses."

..... now that was a sexist remark if i ever heard one ! ..... just because man-breasts do not have the milk glands or whatever it is that produces milk, doesn't mean that men cannot perform this simple task ..... i have prepared more milk bottles than mrs hamidm and - not that i am counting - i have changed more diapers than her too ..... and i am man enough to admit that i enjoyed it ! ..... as a matter of fact discussing the baby's bowel movements was a lot more intellectually stimulating than any discussion i have had here with masadi ........

.... anil mian, that was a very condescending remark and i did not expect it from you - you should be ashamed of yourself ! ..... if i ever said such a stupid thing in front of the three women in my life, i would be spending the night with the dog .....

..... and why is it that we men are discussing motherhood when we don't have a uterus ..... is it because women are out there doing more important things ?

Re: # 25

Hamidm sahib:

I may not have done more milk and diaper duty, I might be ready to make up with grand kids. Welling up of mothers' breasts when their babies cry, I think, is a well studied phenomenon. It does not happen when others babies cry.

"Mothering" is different than motherhood. Men also have this primal instinct. You just made my case.

Hamidm sahib, you are among fast shooters. You indeed shoot faster and certainly before you complete your thinking. Are you sure, your daughters have not set you up right yet? You may not like to come out of the closest, because Massaddi Mian hovers around here, but really, Hamidm sahib.

Mothering as I see, is reflexive act. It is selfless care, protection, nuture and providing. My point to Khalid sahib is that it is present in males also.

Mother Teresa was mothering not parenting, Pope did the neither. While at it, can you think of reasons, why tigers have the least of mothering among all species? Interestingly tigress also tends to be the most protective of her tiger. Can two be related? I mean when male is over pampered or made to feel more important, mothering instinct gives way.

Re: # 25

Hamid sahib:

"...whatever it is that produces milk, doesn't mean that men cannot perform this simple task ..... "

Where does the milk come from, please include cows also while thinking?

Had the nature left it entirely onto males of species, those species probably have died altogether. We may not have lived long enough to invent diapers and milk bottles to make it easy for Hamidm sahib.

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Masadi, why did you not post on chowk that you had returned to Pakistan? If you did, and I missed it, my apologies. Do you notice any changes in all these years?

Actually I don't see the world, now, as a good place for anybody's young ones to live. In a way it is better not to reproduce. Strange are the ways of mother nature, she could have unleashed earth quakes, volcanos or cyclones to curtail the human population. How intelligent, she has induced the female human beings to not to reproduce and made sure the rest of the living things aren't affected...Perhaps this time the focus is entirely on human population :)...