When a Knock at the Door is Not Enough

Aisha boudi,

Nice to see you back on chowk. Dunno what the actual stats for domestic violence are- the 25% you have quoted seems genuine enough. And you are right in that this percentage may not vary too much across class, caste, religion and ethnicity and surprisingly perhpas even education levels at least in the subcontinent. Wealth and "education" do not seem to have made too much impact on the males psyche and even many woman sadly seem to have internalised it.

Regards

Disturbing.

#1 Jum dada

Dada, as usual, you are totally clueless!

Aisha Sarwari never left this web site. She has always been here. She has been “filling in” as the editor ever since – never mind! (The state of typos in some of the FP pieces is proof enough.)

This beating episode happened apparently a while ago. It was one of the “rude awakening” events the author encountered upon returning to Pakistan from Amrikka. How could this sort of thing happen in the land of the Jinnah, she kept asking herself. She racked her brains hard to the best of her limited abilities but could come up with no satisfactory answers.

She felt very helpless that she could not do anything for the lady who got beaten up. She wanted to but when she broached the topic with YLH, he said:

Paagal ho gai ho kya?! Ye Pakistan hai! YahaN sabhie ek dusray ko peet-tay rehtay haiN! Besides, woh kambakhat landlord hai! If he kicks us out of this ELITE F/11 sector, where will we go? Nobody will let us into this sector ever again!

As always, YLH’s words held merit. So the author put the sad memory away – pushed it under that proverbial rug along with all the other dust and dirt and assorted unwanted-feelings and tried her level best to forget it. It was not easy to forget but when you have to take care of three children (including and especially, YLH) it CAN be done!

So, she tucked those memories away and tried to forget it ever happened. It almost worked…

Until Shandana sent in HER piece! (www.chowk.com/articles/14076)

Then, as she tried to read that piece, all of a sudden, it came back with a vengeance.

She could suppress it no more!

What had been a mere nagging feeling – that she COULD have done more for the beaten-up lady– now became a monster gnawing at her insides – telling her loud and clear and in no uncertain terms:

You SHOULD have done more, you dar-poak lady! And you should have never listened to that dar-poak marad!

And she kept asking herself – What COULD I do?

Then it hit her – hey, I can write a piece on it…

And I can even slip it in BEFORE Shandana’s!

So, presto!

Now you know (as Paul Harvey would say) - the REST of the story!

How do I know all of the above sordid, depressing details?!

Elementary, my dear Jum!

I guessed it.

Beej Bhaiyya,

Re:#3

Your post has certainly left me totally clueless!!!

Aisha boudi's piece has been published before Ms. Minhas's so I dont know how you have come to your conclusions.

Regards

This hits a little too close to home. I grew up with a father who had a very short fuse which once lit, sometimes brought violent results. And back in the day, his behavior might have been explained away much easier than my mother's for having walked away.

There are two profound differences though, a woman in the west is more mobile and flexible in terms of walking out of a relationship and even moving into a shelter with her kids, and she is more likely to get the abuser to incur some damage, be it financial, social or legal.

It is good that you knocked at the door, Aisha. It is not enough, but it's something. . . Some women do feel empowered to take action, but as you said the flexibility and mobility to do so is less. . .

Re: # 5; ana bibi

I am sorry to read about your experiences. Domestic violence in the west was the key 'argument' used to 'discredit' Azra Rashid's article.

Whilst living in Pakistan, I observed a lot of this first hand, within extended family etc. Violence can also be psychological and verbal and I observed that being used against many female members of my family close to me. It is the form that probably doesn't even get classed as violence at times; the constant 'putting down/in place' of the wives, sisters and even mothers by adolescent males.

Totally shameful; the 'face-saving' culture demands we brush it under the carpet as it is "ghar di gal"; dirty laundry and all that. This is what I mean about things that REALLY disgrace my 'honour'; not some jumped up Indian calling Pakistan/Islam all the names under the sun.

It would appear I do have some "Izzat" afterall; contrary to Zee's assertions on another board (jis ki izzat na ho us ki bey-izzati keya hogi etc).

Khuda Hafiz

akcheema,

... contrary to Zee's assertions on another board (jis ki izzat na ho us ki bey-izzati keya hogi etc

That's not what I said. I said "Jis kis ayzti nahi, us ki bayzti kia?"

akcheema:

thank you.

I did not read Azra Rashid's article. The interacts turned me off. (I have had this bad habit of reading the interacts first since Chowk changed its format)

I hope that we do not get into the same arguments here, because violence against women is pretty much everywhere. It is not about east, west, or what belief system you belong to, or educated vs. uneducated.

It is the resources and redress that is the issue here. Rather than just saying or thinking "Same old thing" to the point where there is danger of even more abuse and damage. . .what do we as a society do to be there for wives, mothers, sisters etcetera. . .and if I can go beyond that, what to do for the men who assert their authority by means of a fist, among other things.

Nicely written Aisha.

Regards

Ras

good essay, it's amazing what kind of crippling fear abusive men instill in their wives, i once tried to get a battered woman to leave her husband, even forced her to speak to a social worker, but she feared for her children's lives and stayed

First, 'when a knock ON the door is...' is better.

Second..., kaka is confused about whether you lived on the floor above the characters or adjacent to them..

Third..

'One needs to break these walls and protect these brave women to be truly empowered by being mobile'

Why are these women 'brave'? Is lionizing the people you pretend to side with, the only way to feel anything for them? What happens if these women are not 'brave'? Will you still write about them?

Aisha,

Your description of what transpired has left me disturbed.

First, it was courageous of you to go knock on the door.

It's sad. In our culture the woman first has to "obey" the father, and brothers and then the husband, and if her lucky streak continues: her sons!.

It must be so hard for her to decide what she can do next. Although it is possible for her to move away, find a job (if she is educated) and start her own life, Pakistan is just a terribly difficult place for something like that.

This husband of her needs to be thrashed soundly. Asshole is acting out cause she's physically smaller than him (I'm guessing).

If this asshole is beating her so loudly that you can hear it on another section, the loud thumps etc, I fear this woman will be killed by this asshole one day. Hopefully her family cares about her and she will reach out to them, and they will take her away. The police is certainly NOT who you'd want to involve.

It is horrible and disturbing, and all too prevalent. I pray things change fast.

Re: # 11

There is a certain amount of bravery required in order to stick one's neck out, I have to grant this.

However, in this case, the half-hearted bravery may have been counter-productive.

(1) It proves to the lady being beaten up that she won't get any help even if she TELLS others that she is being beaten up. They will simply nod, say "oh - okay!" and walk away.

(2) The perpetrator (the beating husband) realizes that all he has to do is to keep it a bit down and the lady next door will be cool with it, because after all, she did nothing.

In fairness, it ought to be pointed out that very FEW people would want to get too involved. Most of them are too busy with their own problems.

what is this? annual wife beaters week

Re: # 12

[I pray things change fast.]

Hurricane dear, the problem is too many people are busy "praying" instead of trying to address it - especially the mullahs who makes sure that women stay subservient!

Re: # 14

Urstruly miaN, be candid with us. Did you or didn't you ever raise hands at Mrs. Urstruly?!