Sexless and Loveless Marriages

Fascinating, Dr. Sohail!

Any comments on Scott Peck's theory of cathexis as if relates to love and marriage?

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Re: # 2

Dr. Sohail, can you explain to me why so much psych literature is obsessed with pathology and id? Where's the model of health?

I was talking to this psych, nice guy and all. and he recommends a book which is a psych interpretation of post colonialist lit. It was the most badly written, hysterical text I've read since reading Debra Solomon's interview with Karl Rove in the NYT Mag. The actual literary texts themselves showed universes of nuance, shading, true emotion and clarity.

Why does your field mess with literature? There should be a law against it.

Excellent read Sohail!
Question: You said that if you reach the conclusion that a marriage can not last any longer and the parents have become unfit to be good role models, your advise is seperation. In your practice, have you seen a situation where such seperation is not possible due to some reason (maybe social or financial)? If so, what was your advice in that case?

Re: # 3
neembu looks like you and sohail go to the same sites and read similar lit. albiet with a different perspective.

wasnt so much about sexless and loveless marriages. as it was about what the author does. even that got lost in the lengthiness.

please keep chowk alive. it brings indo pak together in a way that is unmatchable. people from both sides need to meet, even if they meet to argue. increased interaction will increase understanding.

love
tayyab

Dr Sahib, Excellent article as usual.. Perhaps your second best on chowk... :)

I have a lot of questions coming into my mind right now..

How many interactors on chowk in your opinion are in loveless marriages...
Isn't marriage supposed to be a transformation from "I" to "We" ? If not, what is the purpose of marriage.... (Yes, I am very traditional)
Do you have a lie detector in your clinic?
So, do you believe in saving a loveless marriage (compromising for the sake of children) or ending it to prove the importance of your individual identity...

Sohail sahib... just a few comments.

A 'sex-less' marriage does not also have to be a 'loveless' one. There can be plenty of love without sex, just as there can be plenty of sex without love. Sure, the combination of love with sex is really magical, but everyone isn't always so lucky.

The traditional institution of marriage is indeed in dire need of re-inventing itself.

The prime benefit of marriage is to provide a legal and financial safety net for a growing family. But that is changing with the times and altering social patterns.

The concept of 'family' can possibly be 'enlarged' in the form of 'group marriages' in tomorrow's communes.

Then there is the polyamory movement. Check it out here: http://www.lovemore.com/default.asp

I know I am rambling without a coherent point, but my general theme is that in tomorrow's Brave New World there are possibilities that we usually do not entertain. We've got too god-damn-many hang-ups and we've got out heads stuck so far up our cultural ass-holes that all we see and smell is out own ethnic shit. We need to expand our horizons and prepare our children for the unknown and the unfathomable. We've come from the caves, but we're headed towards the stars. Only, most of us will never make it...

Cheers,

...SR

Re: # 3
dear neembu...traditional medicine and psychiatry focus on sickness and illness and try to control symptomes. more and more enlightened therapists are now trying to improve the quality of personal, marital and family lives. humanist psychology and psychotherapy have made significant contributions in that area. thanks for your interest, sincerely sohail

Re: # 4
dear rafi, you have asked a valid question. if couples cannot separate for their own reasons, they are encouraged to keep the needs of their children in mind. i worked with some couples in which one parent moved in the basement. they had separate bedrooms and were no longer living as couples but still providing care for their children. in their three storey relationship
parents
lovers
friends
they were able to save first and third storey but let go of the second. therapy helped them to do that peacefully and gracefully rather than angrily and resentfully.
sincerely
sohail

Re: # 7
dear charlie...thanks for your comments. a loveless couple can separate and still provide love and caring to their children. one child told me...now i have two sets of parents...
father and step mother
mother and step father
and have two brthdays, christmases and double the presents. if separated parents are respectful it does work out in the end. sincerely sohail

Doc,
An insightful article but I also agree with SR that" A 'sex-less' marriage does not also have to be a 'loveless' one. There can be plenty of love without sex, just as there can be plenty of sex without love."
Take care
Zafar

Re: # 8
dear SR...i agree with you that we came from caves and are heading towards the stars...we have to overcome the social, religious and cultural conditioning to be fully liberated and hopefully the next generations will be more liberated than the previous ones. i hope we progress and not regress.i always enjoy your comments...
sincerely
sohail

Re: # 12
dear zafar...i agree with you and SR. i sometimes wonder about the differences in Eastern and Western marriages. My general impression is that in the West many sexless couples separate, for them platonic love is not enough or they have affairs so that they can have love in marriage and sex outside the marriage. what do you think?
sincerely
sohail

wtf? i thought marriage is a contract to make babies and have security and sex is a lubricant used to keep things going and resolve issues in a mysterious manner.

Re: # 14
Doc
I think fairness is very important in any relationship. If a person feel the need to have sex outside the marriage contract then that person should first get out of that contract and then have sex but its important to play by the term of the contract if its still binding. I dont think its possible to keep loving you married spouse while having sex with someone else.