Good Girls and Bad Postures

The entire article is really moving. Congratulations for being so bold and forthright. If each one of us can become bold like u, many of the maladies of our corrupt societies can be rectified. Keep on writing like this and sharing your frank views with like minded people in the Chowk.

Abizar

re azaad desi

great comments!

re slinkycow

point well taken.

I grew up in Lalukhait, Karachi - my friends called it Liaquatabad in the hope that this name will not carry the same connotations. Home of lower middle-class and mostly uneducated people this town had draconian rules for those girls. A brother of three young sisters and defender of their honor I can truly understand the thrust of the word ``besharam``. What gave me shudders though was the word ``beghairat``. As the Bara Bhai and the brother-of-the-house I had the responsibility that my sisters and my mother followed the strict social code. When they did not follow the rules the Bahi was declared begairat. And no Bhai wants to be begairat. This pressure would force the Bhai to demand that sisters abide by the rules.

The Bhai also has the responsibility to accompany sisters to wherever they had to go - for shopping, to the doctor, or to a friend. They could, however, go to school alone. Thankfully, the uniform served as the holy dress that gave them a license to walk the streets. Girls told me that they felt safer in the uniform - the dress gives them a legitimate reason to be out of the house. Otherwise they had to be accompanied by a man or a woman and dressed to the satisfaction of the surrounding social police. Walking with sisters is a practice that brothers despise. Since girls are not allowed to go alone they beg and plead with the Bhai and cover themselves appropriately when they go out with him. Making sure that no one is leering at your sisters as you walk the street is not an easy job for the Bhai. It is an agonizing trip. While we wanted to get it over with, the sisters seemed to enjoy the walk.

Despite such draconian environment my sisters were extraordinarily bold - they talked to boys when they had to or when they wanted to - a taboo in that environment. I on the other hand I was very shy (spine bent with the burden of shame!) - I will disappear at the sight of any girl in my house. I could not recognize any of my sisters` friends, never ogled girls, and kept my eyes down when talking to women. My sisters followed the rules just to get by and I followed the rules to become a nice guy. Social acceptance was my motivation for the behavior - I wanted to be a good boy and I became one - A pathetic product of an outdated social assembly line.

The brother, not only has to defend the honor of the family but also provide for them, arrange for dowry for his sisters and wait for his marriage until all his sisters get married. Also, supporting parents is exclusively his responsibility. Small wonder, the families in Pakistan will go to great lengths to have a boy.

Indian subcontinent has a better survival rate for boys then for girls that is in contrast to the medical fact that girls are born stronger than boys as suggested by the opposite statistic in the developed world. In our country when a boy gets sick parents take him to the doctor and when girls get sick they resort to home remedies. These are not the men who go about their important business of raping women (despicable as they are - they represent a different problem) but our parents, mothers and fathers (good boys and good girls of the society), the prisoners of tradition who eternalize the social disparity between men and women.

un ginant sadyoon kay taareek baheemana talsum

Reshum-o-atlas-o-kamkhwab me bunwai huwa

My cousin who is a doctor in the military was once posted in a rural area military hospital in NWFP. He told us about an incident - a pregnant woman`s life was in danger and all the doctors there decided that she must be operated on. The only surgeon available was a male. They had to ask the husband (owner) before allowing a male doctor to operate on the woman. The ``gairat-mand`` husband refused to allow a male to operate on his wife. Doctors and other medical staff pleaded with him but he did not budge. They finally told him that she is going to die. And he responded ``Koi baat nahin hum doosri kar lay ga``. It has been a long time since I heard it and I don`t remember what followed but his answer shocked me so much that it remains etched in my memory. What is still sadder is that it is very likely that the woman might say that she would die before letting a man touch her body. These are the ``sadyoon kay Talsum`` which are not easy to dispel.

I used to think that it is my education that brought me out of the shackles of the social dogma but now I am not so sure. I remember watching the movie ``The Accused`` with many of my friends here in America. We were all students then - I was sad to find out their opinions on the movie - they all thought that ``she was asking for it``. These are the educated men who think that raping a woman is an appropriate treatment if she does not meet their standards of propriety.

We don`t mind our sons growing up in an open society but would give up our careers to raise our daughter in our Des.

Thank you for bringing up the subject. Self-realization may be an end in itself but putting it up for debate is not.

Re: gsm

From first hand experience such behavior is extremely common in our Islamic Pakistan. As for the US, waiting in galis ? Where have you been ? that just doesen`t happen as long as a female does not go to the places you mentioned where they have the `construction worker` types. There arent champoos waiting at bus stops, subways for girls. when you walk down wall street, 34th street you DONT encounter the street obscenity that a female would on Tariq road or the financial area in Saddar.

People( a huge majority) here really dont have time for this crap!

People( an overwhelmingly huge majority) in pakistan DO have time or take time out for this kar-e-khair!

[Faisal ... am currently in US, it was more shocking cause people here, just mind their own business, they dont have time to wait in the galis just to have a little peep at the girls. People their look at the girls like a piece of meat]

You must have led a sheltered life here in the US!

Just visit any construction site or loading dock or longshoremen`s hangout and you will see the same unacceptable behavior of whistling and catcalls and staring and such. This behavior, however unacceptable and sad, is universal.

Bad Girl,

Pakistani culture could be, how shall I say it appropriately...closed, unfriendly, un-supporting at the same time as it is rich in other arenas.

I still remember the ``weired`` emotions going through my head when I first realized that one of my cousin sister (who grew up with me and I always considered her a sister)started evolving...you know....breasts. Actually that pretty much put an end to us playing together when we were kids.

Next time I felt the same ``weired`` emotions when I found out that she was going to have a baby after she got married.

Pakistani culture does not give appropriate options in dealing and addressing with these sensitive issues regarding our sisters and daughters be it them developing breasts, start of mensturation, pregnancy news etc.

Your article made me think how would I deal with these issues when the time comes and I am a father of a girl.

Bad Girl.....You go girl!!! What a wonderful, wonderful article. Take care.

Azam Khan

Dear readers,

thanks for all the positive feedback. to be completely honest, when i wrote the piece, the primary motivation to write something that no one talked about openly but happened to almost all women i knew. but once i started, a lot of serious issues came out, many of which i did not explore completely. but, i am happy that so many of you are responding to the more meaningful theme.

re. where i went to school: no, i grew up in pakistan, in not a terribly big city and attended a homegrown catholic convent.

rr. men and puberty: i hear you. its tough for the men out there too.

re. islam, modesty, etc: i think our so-called islamic values have more to do with all this preoccupation with sex and women`s lives. i have gotten over most of my hang-ups, but there are too many women who suffer shame and guilt FOR THE BEHAVIOR of men. for example, if women get raped, they are ostracized; women are asked to dress modestly so that men will not be `tempted` and the irony is that in our society, where women are bandaged up in dupattas and chadar, MEN STILL STARE AT THEM AS IF THEY WERE A PEICE OF MEAT. the entire responsibility for everyone`s sexual behavior (from a woman`s perspective; and i agree it must be different from a man`s perspective) is on women. so, if they continue to be leered at, they feel THEY must be doing something bad, or that their bodies must be shameful. this whole framework is set up to work against women.

imagine you were made responsible for a complete stranger and asked to make sure that s/he ate a potato every morning. if you have no control over this person, won`t you certainly fail? but, if society continues to blame you for the fact that the person was not eating a potato every morning, wouldnt you feel inadequte, even though it is not yor fault? i know this is a simplistic situation, but i just want to point out how ridiculous this notion is in the extreme.

regards.

A painful reminder of the freakish repression facing so many young women of Pakistan.

Certainly the appearance of such an articel has lifted my otherwise blackened hopes of our society ever achieving a healthy natural balance of human sexuality and mental growth.

Why the moniker `` Bad Girl`? I hope your next piece will be `Good Girls with Good Postures`.

Remember there are 60 million muslim girls who

may be listening for an uncowed voice. I am happy to join the majority in applauding you.

I was really shocked & amazed as for what pakistani girls have to go through. When I went to Pakistan to get a college degree from Karaci University, I was really disturbed by several common incidents, for e.g like the starring of men of women & girls standing on bus stops.People just waiting in ``galis`` for the school bus to come & so that they can have a look at girls.Since I was born in Bahrain & am currently in US, it was more shocking cause people here, just mind their own business, they dont have time to wait in the galis just to have a little peep at the girls .People their look at the girls like a piece of meat. :(

`` The giver of pleasure that is not permitted to feel it``

Wow! Never heard a Pakistani girl say it like this; outloud! I`m glad Pakistan is progressing towards freer opinions and actually expressing them.

The rest of this article was pretty articulate. Who wrote this. Not to offend anyone in Pakistan but you must have gone to an American school !!

Moazzam

That was a good one and very close to realty.I was sort of surprised to read all this not because it is true but for the fact that there are some women who can speak for themselves.

In my reply(First few lines) I by no means meant to say that muslim women should not dress according to the Quran.Sorry but, I realized the implications after I read my REply! They should but men should not stare at women regardless of their dress(this is also in the Quran FOR MEN), Because otherwise it would mean that its ok for all muslim men to start watching porn simply because the women are not dressed `properly`(what `dress`!).

Why is it that men always start pointing fingers at women, quoting quran and forgetting what is in the Quran about THEM. That is ignorance and discrimination of the worst form! Please educate yourselves before trying to educate others!

That was a good one and very close to realty as well.

Re: Parus

Women have the Right to dress the way they want. Taking it from your point of view:

WOmen should cover themselves according to Quran.

Well, I am assuming this refers to muslim women. Are you then implying that a muslim man may not stare at a covered muslim woman but has the license to do so at an uncoverd muslim woman(keep in mind uncovered does not imply naked)

What about non muslim women in Pakistan?

Pakistani men oogle no matter who the woman is, no matter which country they are in. It is a fact!

Even if a MAN goes out in burqa men WILL stare simply because it is a female.

Infact my personal expereince has been that desi men tend to stare more at desi women. If you dont dress/look(Dupatta and the whole nine yards) desi they wont really stare as much.(However, inPakistan this point is really not applicable)

Men dont have the right to visually rape ANY woman. Or should WE start staring at male crotches now, just because a MAN is wearing jeans? It can Be done, you know.

cool, i gotta say i was a bit surprised to read this stuff...its pretty bold and all but its good stuff , very gutsy thats why its cool....ENJOYED readin it and was also thought provoking(as if thats gonna make a difference)....

wat really is amazing is that of all the replies/comments that ive read , none of em critisize ur writing....now is that cool or is that cool. so heres some critisism:

``MEN, who needs em`` right?? although u havent purposely tried to bring this out but its there!! its one of the lasting impressions that atleast i got like an aftertaste or sumthin...wat ur lookin for is a 17 yr old guy who looks at a girl with a ``pronouced posture``, instead of sayin ``boy oh boy o boy`` goes `` poor girl``.maybe im wrong.

there are no such guys u know puberty strikes guys too....

now older men shud be ashamed...if they behave in this errr caveman-like way they have no justification....after years of suppression and hypocracy in the name of religion and wat not ud think they oughtta change into pious mullahs....sorry it doesnt happen that way!

so dont blame us blame the society...i know its unfair on women...but the ``EVIL`` u describe is not in the mind or the heart but in the fabric of the society itself....(now is that deep or what)

i swear loved ur article.

utopian