Just Another Woman

this guy should read one of the comments/consults on this page re: sexual problems... organsm/ejaculation is as much physical,as psychological...

jolly mullah

not something i could relate to at all (thank the lord!) but was definitely a good read. it`s a shame that desi men have to :

1. be so ashamed of personal problems

2. take it out on their women.

first time i`m writing in although i`m a regular reader. hope to see more stuff from you.

Very well written, Bravo!!! It`s very thought provoking. But what`s sad is Sheila was one of the lucky ones who got out of it, there are so many who are unable to break out of the web of guilt and shame they have created for themselves.

I just got done watching the movie ``Fire`` and then the first thing I did was read this article. I feel like screaming out loud not so unlike the female lead character in the movie IN & OUT,

``Is everybody gay. What is this the twilight zone.``

Kidding aside, it is a very serious issue and there should most definitely be more open discussion about this at our forums, this one included.

To the author:

Well written and well done. How is your cousin doing now.

I hate to comment on the specifics of this case, as only the two people directly involved know the true state of affairs.

Impotency can have a myriad of causes. It is a medical condition. I do not think people with a medical problem should be stigmatized. Here, it is not clear whether the gentleman is gay, or whether he is impotent, or both, and whether he really thought that marriage would be his `cure-all`. In any case, if he intentionally deceived the lady, he clearly wronged her.

Regrettably, deception in marriage happens all the time, much more so in arranged marriages. The decision-makers somehow think that all problems manifested before marriage will be fixed by the act of marriage(often ofcourse, the reverse is true). Medical conditions, both mental and physical are especially hidden. Since our society considers unmarried status a major sign of failure in life, and there is so much emphasis on physical perfection, even minor physical conditions are considered detractors, and if possible, are concealed. Needless to say, mental illness is always hidden.

Since there are so many identifiers given in this account, I hope the author checked with the principals involved before reporting on their highly personal tragic life events.

Anita

A touching account of a very personal tragedy.
But why is this `Just another womans story` ?

i don`t think the story was totally clear if the man was gay, if the woman was simply unattractive to the man, or if he had ejaculation problems, or if he was having prefomance anxiety (very common amongst newly weds, but comes as a surprise to the newly wed man usually, that it`s not all mechanical). But it is about how are these things handled? And the blow given to the man`s being a man, since sexuality is such a big part of being a man...

A very touching story. I`m glad Sheila found a way out, but I`m left wondering how her jilted husband fared after all of this...

I agree with Anita Zaidi that it is not clear from this article whether the husband is gay, impotent, or a combination of the two. If he is gay, then this is a powerful cautionary tale about not pressuring gay people into an unhappy marriage. Everyone suffers in the process.

As a society (South Asian), we need to be much more open about discussing the nature of marriage, relationships, and sexuality, including homosexuality, in order to remove some of the stigmas associated with these topics. Chowk has presented so many articles and stories on these subjects, which is great, but I wonder if they are making a difference. If it`s only open-minded, liberal-thinking people who read these pieces, then we`re merely preaching to the converted. We need to educate the agents of these outworn beliefs and practices in order to bring about real changes in the nature of our society. Are you all out there?...

Re: Anne Shamim

A well written piece Anne. This is a sorry state that plagues arranged marriages in particular. Education and self-empowerment of women is the only avenue for tackling such issues.

Re : Anita Zaidi

C`mon Ms Zaidi, give it a break. The author is not discussing the causative nature of Impotency nor is she trying to stigmatize a medical problem. She is only pointing out an unjust act being committed and which is something all too common in S.Asia. And when an author writes an account without revealing any of her character`s real identities, it is pointless to wonder if she had checked with the characters involved. This is not a biographical account but rather an attempt to explain a malady in the society. The very fact that it involves medical issues need not warrant such a response at all. For all you know , it could even be a fictional work.

And you must know that there is something called `` a writer`s liberty``.

Rishi

Thanks for all your heartening comments.

ayaashi: I`ve submitted some other stuff, which I hope they`ll put out.

Amira: I agree, although Sheila would definitely disagree on exactly how ``lucky`` she is.

Anita Zaidi: Thanks for your thoughts on this. Although the main theme (and the events directly surrounding it) are true, most of the ancillary details (``identifiers``) are made up/changed. But your point about respecting others` privacy is very valid and well-taken.

Afrasiyab: ``Shiela`` is fine--working, surviving, holding her own.

RanaRansher: ``Just Another Woman`` as in, one of many who suffer through a similar fate at the hands of a society which is, by and large, indifferent to the awful plight of its women.

Oh, by the way, annogul is my User Name.

Anne Shamim

extremely well written. you had me hanging on to every word. i know a woman who was in a similar situation, but in her case, the man beat her up also... emotional, sexual or physical, abuse in a marriage has to be one of the most awful experiences.

it is amazing how many different faces abuse has.

...anyway, look forward to more of your stories/articles.

regards

BG: Abuse does take a variety of forms, but what is manifested in marriage is also often a sympthom of the larger society. Where we have a society where the man may himself may be being abused at work by his boss, insecurities, the problem of abuse within marriage is as easily solved if the man gets up getting all the blame; without an understanding of the wider picture. A similar case with women who may also abuse their husbands, and that usually takes the shape of emotional abuse, it does happen with some frequency; but not recognized as such... that emotional abuse often is the result of her own problems within the society; not being recognized as a woman, being put down etc. That is often th eonly thing the man or the woman knows... it is a problem of how men and women interact with each other, what have we been brought up with? They all get manifested within marriage...which then ends up being so often unhappy...

Excellent piece. I completely understood the title ``Just Another Woman`` as I know someone in a similar situation a few years ago: arranged marriage, etc. and six months later in a divorce because of some serious questions about the male`s sexual ablility/preference. Unfortunately, those short 6 months have ended up almost ruining the rest of her life as the family of the man she loves now refuses to let him marry her (of course, the fact that he doesn`t just marry her anyways also brings up some questions).

Re: Anita Zaidi

The sad and scary thing about this is that even so-called enlightened readers like Anita Zaidi say things like this:

``The point that I was making about impotence was that should it per se be a reason for divorce, if its not related to being gay, or ``intentional`` (in quotations because as I said earlier,its probably not intentional, rather foolish)deception? What if Shiela`s husband had not been impotent on their wedding night, but became so 1 month later because of an illness or injury? ``

SO WHAT???!!! Why the hell not? Why can`t impotence be a reason for divorce? Or any other medical condition? Yes, yes, most impotence is often a treatable medical condition but who cares? If a woman wants to divorce their husband because he is impotent or because his pubic hair is curly, or whatever, THAT IS HER CHOICE FOR GOD`S SAKE. I think I can see where your argument about medical problems is going, but as far as I`m concerned a woman has every right to divorce if she likes - no matter what. If it`s cause the husband`s got colorectal cancer so be it. We may disapprove, but that doesn`t mean a person can`t divorce. Why should ANY spouse (husband or wife) put up with a marriage if they do not want to? I am not advocating that people should not try to seek medical help, etc., but I think that Dr. Zaidi`s comment reveals an underlying belief in our desi societies that somehow the woman does NOT have this right and that it is their burden to make unworkable marriages work. Dr. Zaidi -- considering your excellent articles, posts, etc. in the past that reflect an open-minded person I know you also probably believe in the idea that a woman has this right; however, I just wanted to point this out to be very clear that ``Sheila`` and any other woman in her situation should not feel restricted in exercising their right to divorce.

Dear Anita Zaidi,

A lot of times the information you provide is useful and related to the material. Not everyone is an MD, however, so every writer cannot give the medical information in the case. Additionally the biological or medical facts in the matter are not always relevant or even interesting. It is very clear that the family of the gentleman in question suspected that there was a problem. All too often, people conveniently `hope` that marriage will set problems straight. Particularly if they are difficult or taboo problems. This is an unwillingness of people to face and try to solve their problems. It is a way of putting the burden on the woman to somehow solve the problem. This is not a decision based on reality, but a fantasy and a need to escape from responsibility. The gentleman`s position is not enviable but he is an intelligent and educated person in his forties! He has to take responsibility for deceiving Sheila and her family. Your medical knowledge on impotence is much appreciated, but does not detract from Anne Shamim`s argument that her cousin was used as an experiment. It is also close to impossible that the parties concerned will sue for libel from Pakistan.

Re: Rishi

I still view this as a ``one-sided`` account in which we, the observers, do not have all the details to make a fair judgement. Yes, Sheila definetely was unfortunate, but rather than viewing her as the victim, and the husband as the evil victimizer, I see both as victims in this situation. Even if the gentleman knew he had ``problems``, he may have been (mistakenly, but sincerely) thinking that marriage to a ``beautiful, intelligent woman`` would be curative. There may have not been much distinguishing his behavior from that of a desperately ill man seeking that last experimental cure, regardless of the costs - only in this case, the experiment involves another human. But that`s the irony - during sickness most people act selfishly, and put their own interests before those of others. Sick people expect society to take care of them, in many cases, regardless of the costs.

The point that I was making about impotence was that should it per se be a reason for divorce, if its not related to being gay, or ``intentional`` (in quotations because as I said earlier,its probably not intentional, rather foolish)deception? What if Shiela`s husband had not been impotent on their wedding night, but became so 1 month later because of an illness or injury? Should she still have bailed out? Is that any different from leaving one`s spouse if they were found to be sterile, suffered a stroke, needed to have a colostomy because of colorectal cancer, or developed dementia from encephalitis.

What about the situation when a Nikah has taken place but `rukhsati` hasn`t and let`s say the bride is diagnosed with ovarian cancer which necessitates losing an ovary to save life (not to mention losing hair temporarily due to chemo). Should the groom nullify the Nikah?

What I am trying to do is point out the inherent flaws in the institution of arranged marriage which is predicated upon the buying and selling of a perfect good. Since there is no `feeling` for the other person, if the good is not perfect, or becomes imperfect in the middle of the transaction, or within a socially-acceptable `return period` one doesn`t want it. Why would anyone knowingly buy an imperfect good?


Re: Anne Shamim

Yes, the privacy issues did concern me. I do hope that the lady whose life you describe is not really your Chacha`s daughter,her former husband not really faculty at one of Karachi`s prestigious universities, and the letter reproduced for all the world to read totally fictional (if it is, do you have anything else that suggests the gentleman is gay). If not, in addition to the obvious privacy violations, you expose Chowk to being sued for libel, if he happens to come across this.

Anita