The Marriage Trap

A real man is not afraid of a real woman.

I am going to throw a curve ball into this discussion. One of my Indian friends and fraternity brother, after years of dating American girls and cursing them in bars after the break ups, opted for the tradtional route. He has a check list, more like a shopping list and he just wants his mom to find him a nice girl to marry.

Networking and finding someone is not so easy in this Victoria Secert dominated country either. Dating in college was all about sex and so is meeting some in bars, clubs or what ever the local singles meat market might be. Where the hell do you find a good girl these days? I know that my mom has given up on the idea of my getting married in her life time and that is why she started working on my brother. He got married last July.

Personally speaking, I think that my problem is that I have unrealistic expectations. I am not interested in Ms. Right, because I have not seen her since 1985 and that really was an affair to remember! Ms. Right Now was a nice girl, but I have not heard anything from since I told I was only interested in having sex with her. That was last spring. Presently, I am in the words of Shelly, ``like a wolf in the fold``, but that will not last for long. I am thinking about marriage and seeking that significant other, but the distractions are too appealing. Maybe, I should start attending chruch, mosque, temple, or e-mail an order for a mail order bride!

When all is said and done, I will settle for someone who is intelligent, physically attractive, but not necessarily beautiful, has a higher earning potential than I do and does the Lewinsky on demand!

Bina:

Wazifas? Hmmm....

One of the things I dreamt about upon retiring from here is to find or create a `dargah` become its sole `mujawar` and dispense `taaviz` and `wazifas` mainly to retired MIT/Ivy league crowd. Can someone find out if there is an old grave on that hillock/sanitorium on way to defence where reportedly Aga Khan the III was born?

regards

One place to fine your partner is on the various matrimonial sites that have cropped up on the net... everything from Muslim only, to Indo-Pak, to whatever... try the ``you`ve got mail`` route? Anyone experience in this, and how it works out?

After reading this absolutely hilarious writing
on what can be and often is a very serious topic,
one wonders if the situation here in America is
any better?
Great job articulating your concerns. This is
definitely saving material.

Ras

Being in that state - and as a male I can totally relate. After a while one gets labeled as ``too many nakras:`` . But the problem in essence is the same - lack of a social environment where like -minded people can meet. And absolutely no networking connections.

Actually Ras the problem in the US specially for ABCD girls has reached epidemic proportions - they are too liberal and independent for FOB men - and the career oriented ABCD men ( non - flakes or non-womanizing) crowd is a hard catch.

Even in Pakistan = it is a huge problem as I was there during the WInter break. Even ``amreekis`` have acquired a bad reputation for obvious reasons.

Part of the problem is also the self-imposed cultural time constaints and the biological clocks ticking away. Heard in Islamabad as it pertains to women - but applies to men as well.

at 21: - deknay mein kaisa hain - HOw does he look

at 25: - Kya karta hai $$$$$

What`s his profession

at 30: - khayal rakhnay wala hain

- Is he a caring individual

at 35: - Kahan hain

- Where is he???

SO surf the internet some say..... :-) and you may get lucky.

Being in that state - and as a male I can totally relate. After a while one gets labeled as ``too many nakras:`` . But the problem in essence is the same - lack of a social environment where like -minded people can meet. And absolutely no networking connections.

Actually Ras the problem in the US specially for ABCD girls has reached epidemic proportions - they are too liberal and independent for FOB men - and the career oriented ABCD men ( non - flakes or non-womanizing) crowd is a hard catch.

Even in Pakistan = it is a huge problem as I was there during the WInter break. Even ``amreekis`` have acquired a bad reputation for obvious reasons.

Part of the problem is also the self-imposed cultural time constaints and the biological clocks ticking away. Heard in Islamabad as it pertains to women - but applies to men as well.

at 21: - deknay mein kaisa hain - HOw does he look

at 25: - Kya karta hai $$$$$

What`s his profession

at 30: - khayal rakhnay wala hain

- Is he a caring individual

at 35: - Kahan hain

- Where is he???

SO surf the internet some say..... :-) and you may get lucky.

Same problem here in the USA, no different amongst south asians... I aggree with RR it is a cultural problem with few opportunities for social interaction. No wonder more and more folks are expanding their horizons and not restricting themselves to desis, and/or their particular religious backgruonds... of-course as people give up on the idea of getting married to a desi, that further shrinks the pool of eligibles.

I have a mixed reaction to your narrative Bina. On one hand, I`m amused by your sense of humor in dealing with such a loaded issue. On the other hand, I understand the dilemma young people, note it`s not just girls, are facing in finding their soul mates. And it`s not just in Karachi, right here in the good ol` U.S. of A, I know a lot of young people in their mid to late twenties and early thirties, who are educated, good looking and still unmarried. Well, it`s partly because they chose to establish themselves in their careers.

But mosttly, it`s because the entire marriage system in our culture, well if we can call it a system, is flawed. At least for those who`d like to have a say in determining who they should spend the rest of their lives with. Because if you notice, people who have no preferences, i.e. ji ammi or ji abba jaysa aap munasib samjhayn, are usually the ones who get married to whomever quickly and live ``happily`` ever after, well, most of the time.

But if you are educated and have a preference, well then, good luck. In addition, if you are good looking and attractive, and seeking the same, then you are truly doomed. Now the part that gets even trickier is when you would like to have a say, but still are culturally and/or religiously inclined and are still relying on the traditional system of waiting for a ``good`` rishta, in girls` case, or unable to ``find`` a suitable rishta, in the case of guys. This, my friend, is WHY getting M-A-R-R-I-E-D has become similar to climbing Mt.Everest for these young people.

The part about flawed system just means that our social interaction is limited in a very traditional sense. On top of that, if you are liberal enough to get actively involved in this pursuit, you would get a ``reputation`` and scare off any potential contenders.

Most men, even if they consider themselves ``progressive,`` would think that you are gonna be trouble for them, if you are an ``out-going`` woman. And especially once they hear that you actually have an opinion on different issues. And women would percieve you as a flirt, unreliable and untrustworthy for a husband, if you are a guy with a ``reputation.`` Well, men are mostly to be blamed themselves for their ``reputation`` because they do get carried away. So, you are damned if you do and you are damned if you don`t.

So, there is no acceptable social venue where young people may come together and discover what kind of people are out there. Therefore, you gotta determine what kind of a person you are looking for and then involve yourself in activities and places in the community where such people are potentially found. And if there are none, well, then why not start them yourself?

In any event, you must consider this: you have taken a stand, that you will not be pushed into sacrificing the rest of your life, the only one given to you in this world. Being productive does not only mean producing more kids. You can do so much more to make a difference in your own and others` lives that if you look at the bigger picture, the gossips and the sighs of elders actually appear to deserve YOUR sympathy not the other way around.

One correction: Those were Tomahawk cruise missiles and not Scuds. :)

Rehan.

I couldn`t stop laughing. It was funny, witty, all in all very well written.

Where are men in this equation.

I am not sure exactly what you are trying to say in this part of your article but the rest of the article was a great read.