The Marriage Trap

I couldn`t stop laughing. It was funny, witty, all in all very well written.

Where are men in this equation.

I am not sure exactly what you are trying to say in this part of your article but the rest of the article was a great read.

I have a mixed reaction to your narrative Bina. On one hand, I`m amused by your sense of humor in dealing with such a loaded issue. On the other hand, I understand the dilemma young people, note it`s not just girls, are facing in finding their soul mates. And it`s not just in Karachi, right here in the good ol` U.S. of A, I know a lot of young people in their mid to late twenties and early thirties, who are educated, good looking and still unmarried. Well, it`s partly because they chose to establish themselves in their careers.

But mosttly, it`s because the entire marriage system in our culture, well if we can call it a system, is flawed. At least for those who`d like to have a say in determining who they should spend the rest of their lives with. Because if you notice, people who have no preferences, i.e. ji ammi or ji abba jaysa aap munasib samjhayn, are usually the ones who get married to whomever quickly and live ``happily`` ever after, well, most of the time.

But if you are educated and have a preference, well then, good luck. In addition, if you are good looking and attractive, and seeking the same, then you are truly doomed. Now the part that gets even trickier is when you would like to have a say, but still are culturally and/or religiously inclined and are still relying on the traditional system of waiting for a ``good`` rishta, in girls` case, or unable to ``find`` a suitable rishta, in the case of guys. This, my friend, is WHY getting M-A-R-R-I-E-D has become similar to climbing Mt.Everest for these young people.

The part about flawed system just means that our social interaction is limited in a very traditional sense. On top of that, if you are liberal enough to get actively involved in this pursuit, you would get a ``reputation`` and scare off any potential contenders.

Most men, even if they consider themselves ``progressive,`` would think that you are gonna be trouble for them, if you are an ``out-going`` woman. And especially once they hear that you actually have an opinion on different issues. And women would percieve you as a flirt, unreliable and untrustworthy for a husband, if you are a guy with a ``reputation.`` Well, men are mostly to be blamed themselves for their ``reputation`` because they do get carried away. So, you are damned if you do and you are damned if you don`t.

So, there is no acceptable social venue where young people may come together and discover what kind of people are out there. Therefore, you gotta determine what kind of a person you are looking for and then involve yourself in activities and places in the community where such people are potentially found. And if there are none, well, then why not start them yourself?

In any event, you must consider this: you have taken a stand, that you will not be pushed into sacrificing the rest of your life, the only one given to you in this world. Being productive does not only mean producing more kids. You can do so much more to make a difference in your own and others` lives that if you look at the bigger picture, the gossips and the sighs of elders actually appear to deserve YOUR sympathy not the other way around.

One correction: Those were Tomahawk cruise missiles and not Scuds. :)

Rehan.

Same problem here in the USA, no different amongst south asians... I aggree with RR it is a cultural problem with few opportunities for social interaction. No wonder more and more folks are expanding their horizons and not restricting themselves to desis, and/or their particular religious backgruonds... of-course as people give up on the idea of getting married to a desi, that further shrinks the pool of eligibles.

Being in that state - and as a male I can totally relate. After a while one gets labeled as ``too many nakras:`` . But the problem in essence is the same - lack of a social environment where like -minded people can meet. And absolutely no networking connections.

Actually Ras the problem in the US specially for ABCD girls has reached epidemic proportions - they are too liberal and independent for FOB men - and the career oriented ABCD men ( non - flakes or non-womanizing) crowd is a hard catch.

Even in Pakistan = it is a huge problem as I was there during the WInter break. Even ``amreekis`` have acquired a bad reputation for obvious reasons.

Part of the problem is also the self-imposed cultural time constaints and the biological clocks ticking away. Heard in Islamabad as it pertains to women - but applies to men as well.

at 21: - deknay mein kaisa hain - HOw does he look

at 25: - Kya karta hai $$$$$

What`s his profession

at 30: - khayal rakhnay wala hain

- Is he a caring individual

at 35: - Kahan hain

- Where is he???

SO surf the internet some say..... :-) and you may get lucky.

Being in that state - and as a male I can totally relate. After a while one gets labeled as ``too many nakras:`` . But the problem in essence is the same - lack of a social environment where like -minded people can meet. And absolutely no networking connections.

Actually Ras the problem in the US specially for ABCD girls has reached epidemic proportions - they are too liberal and independent for FOB men - and the career oriented ABCD men ( non - flakes or non-womanizing) crowd is a hard catch.

Even in Pakistan = it is a huge problem as I was there during the WInter break. Even ``amreekis`` have acquired a bad reputation for obvious reasons.

Part of the problem is also the self-imposed cultural time constaints and the biological clocks ticking away. Heard in Islamabad as it pertains to women - but applies to men as well.

at 21: - deknay mein kaisa hain - HOw does he look

at 25: - Kya karta hai $$$$$

What`s his profession

at 30: - khayal rakhnay wala hain

- Is he a caring individual

at 35: - Kahan hain

- Where is he???

SO surf the internet some say..... :-) and you may get lucky.

After reading this absolutely hilarious writing
on what can be and often is a very serious topic,
one wonders if the situation here in America is
any better?
Great job articulating your concerns. This is
definitely saving material.

Ras

One place to fine your partner is on the various matrimonial sites that have cropped up on the net... everything from Muslim only, to Indo-Pak, to whatever... try the ``you`ve got mail`` route? Anyone experience in this, and how it works out?

Bina:

Wazifas? Hmmm....

One of the things I dreamt about upon retiring from here is to find or create a `dargah` become its sole `mujawar` and dispense `taaviz` and `wazifas` mainly to retired MIT/Ivy league crowd. Can someone find out if there is an old grave on that hillock/sanitorium on way to defence where reportedly Aga Khan the III was born?

regards

I am going to throw a curve ball into this discussion. One of my Indian friends and fraternity brother, after years of dating American girls and cursing them in bars after the break ups, opted for the tradtional route. He has a check list, more like a shopping list and he just wants his mom to find him a nice girl to marry.

Networking and finding someone is not so easy in this Victoria Secert dominated country either. Dating in college was all about sex and so is meeting some in bars, clubs or what ever the local singles meat market might be. Where the hell do you find a good girl these days? I know that my mom has given up on the idea of my getting married in her life time and that is why she started working on my brother. He got married last July.

Personally speaking, I think that my problem is that I have unrealistic expectations. I am not interested in Ms. Right, because I have not seen her since 1985 and that really was an affair to remember! Ms. Right Now was a nice girl, but I have not heard anything from since I told I was only interested in having sex with her. That was last spring. Presently, I am in the words of Shelly, ``like a wolf in the fold``, but that will not last for long. I am thinking about marriage and seeking that significant other, but the distractions are too appealing. Maybe, I should start attending chruch, mosque, temple, or e-mail an order for a mail order bride!

When all is said and done, I will settle for someone who is intelligent, physically attractive, but not necessarily beautiful, has a higher earning potential than I do and does the Lewinsky on demand!

A real man is not afraid of a real woman.

Quite humerous reflecting imporant message and the attitude of our society. This has become a ritual that girls are asked the reason of not being getting married rather boys. Boys get late for a good reason that is bright and stable future while girls wait for the right solumate and of course criteria of `the right solumate` varies from one to another. Some girls are awaiting for their prince from North America/Europe and some curse the results of CSS exams. Boys also set some criteria and again this varies person to person. Some of them have committed not to get married until Madhuri or Ms. Kapoor (or like them) visit them and some pray everyday that anyone (even widow with a child) from NA gives a chance settle in NA.

The situation is neurotic for parents specially of a girl and I think no one has right to ask this question to any girl but again this has become so common in our society that no one heeds that whether someone is being hurt by their inquisitive nature. My all sympathies with such girls but BB wait a second, be patientce, chill out and think again. Not all men are b--stards!!

Well written, entertaining article. The problem, as I see it, is more the community pressure to get married and less the personal pressures of being single. Perhaps a hundred years from now (when economic security is taken for granted while air and water are not -- but that`s another story) we may even find a solution to the dilemmas noted here, but for now I can only ask the ladies to grin and bear it.

Stages in a SIngle desi quest for matrimony.

1. Ammi ke pasand Vs Betay ke pasand

Ami`s pasand - cousin

( bhai/behen/fav relative/ ke beti).

Betay - Anybody else. Pleasssseeee!!!!!

2. Ami`s selection criteria Vs Son`s

selection criterion



- Tall, fair, pretty with a BA in stupidity.

- Kashish mom Kashish and some brains.....

3. Ammi dejected - family members to the rescue.

Mom - Some giris gonna kidnap my son.

CO-dependency vanquished :-)



Relatives: Intelligence you want intelligence

by profession physician, Engineer, MBA

Beta: Independent of profession.

Realtives ( collectively) huh!!!!!

4. Family: This kid is crazy -

gone to US lost his head. Actually wants

to get to know the girl better. Besharam.



Ammi: Whateever you want son you are crossing

30?? koi bhi aachi ladki nahin milaygee.

Son : Finally .....

5. Finds girl gets married. Happy ....

Mom ( lamenting to social friends): I showed

him hoor. He married a langoor.

Stages in a SIngle desi quest for matrimony.

1. Ammi ke pasand Vs Betay ke pasand

Ami`s pasand - cousin

( bhai/behen/fav relative/ ke beti).

Betay - Anybody else. Pleasssseeee!!!!!

2. Ami`s selection criteria Vs Son`s

selection criterion



- Tall, fair, pretty with a BA in stupidity.

- Kashish mom Kashish and some brains.....

3. Ammi dejected - family members to the rescue.

Mom - Some giris gonna kidnap my son.

CO-dependency vanquished :-)



Relatives: Intelligence you want intelligence

by profession physician, Engineer, MBA

Beta: Independent of profession.

Realtives ( collectively) huh!!!!!

4. Family: This kid is crazy -

gone to US lost his head. Actually wants

to get to know the girl better. Besharam.



Ammi: Whateever you want son you are crossing

30?? koi bhi aachi ladki nahin milaygee.

Son : Finally .....

5. Finds girl gets married. Happy ....

Mom ( lamenting to social friends): I showed

him hoor. He married a langoor.

Bina,

Great article, it was hilarious. I found it amusing that a complaint of the girls in Karachi is that all the good men have left for Canada, or America. Here in North America, a frequent complaint is that all the ``bad`` guys date then marry a ``gori`` and good guys go back home to find a nice shareef moldable wife. :)

Seriously though, there is a saying that says ``The more you want something, the more it runs away from you``. Girls who are desperate to get married, radiate their insecurities, this is a major turn-off for potential husbands and potential mother-in-laws. :)

I like to compare this to a job interview. Generally speaking, the more someone wants a job,

the more nervous he/she is. Then, come interview time, they are more likely to stay stupid things, and lose the job. On the other hand when they relax, and walk in with a confident attitude, 9 times out of ten they get the job.

Yes, I know relationships are a whole different ball game but there are some valid similarities. :)

Re: RR

Thanks for providing the North American perspective to this problem. I agree that where there aren`t as well-developed networks and as much ``selection``, than it`s important for people to create opportunities. At the same time, the youth (and parents) need to develop some patience. Too often I`ve seen young people at the age of 19/20 say ``there aren`t any cool muslims of the opposite sex around here `` so they start dating non-muslims or go to Pakistan to get hooked up. And like Altaf said this reduces the pool even further.

People need to figure out what they really want in a spouse first and then create opportunities to find such muslims first. And they shouldn`t give up after a few failed attempts, maybe I`m just an optimist, but I really do think people can find who they are looking for, if they just chill out, make an effort to meet like minded muslims, give it time and let their fate (some would say Allah`s will) take of the rest.

Regards,

Fozia Zaidi

Re:fozia

`` Here in North America, a frequent complaint is that all the ``bad`` guys date then marry a ``gori`` and good guys go back home to find a nice shareef moldable wife. :) ``

Not a moldable but a person with a more mature and flexible approach to life.

`` Girls who are desperate to get married, radiate their insecurities, this is a major turn-off for potential husbands and potential mother-in-laws. :)``

I totally disagree with this one. Just be yourself, many girls try to mask their insecurities by coming across as over-confident

and blah blah blah ... THis is big no no IMHO.

Girls need to come across as affable and sensitive & caring ( and men need to too) - you academic or professional accomplishments or your families accomplishments have little or no bearing on the future realtionship.

There is nothing wrong in being insecure, MOst men are too. MOst instances here people get scared is either with career-centric meglomaniacs, or girls who just dont wanna compromise on anything - It is my life - I wanna marry on my terms. That never happens with either sex. So we spend an eternity waiting for Prince Valiant. And with time choices get fewer & fewer.