Sound Quest

Jawahara - this was disturbing, squirming, amazing. It takes a lot of courage to write about something which we are programmed to hide under our guilt and shame. And sexual abuse of children is something we never talk about - of course it doesn`t happen in acchay khandan. I`ve known someone who, while not necessarily abused, was certainly physically harassed by older cousins in much the same way you were. It`s a constant source of shame for her - she feels guilty for something that she was not responsible for.

Like someone pointed out in a previous post for the female drug addict article, sexual abuse of children is complicated because, after all, what if the child enjoys it? You certainly did not. But for my friend, the harassment raised very conflicting emotions within her - on one hand, she wasn`t entirely sure why her body was different and therefore desirable, and she was flattered by the interest shown in it. At the same time, she hated the violations made on it, the sense of her body not being her own but an object to be pinched, laughed at, stroked. It meant trying to avoid the harassers while pretending that nothing untoward had happened - before, during, and after.

I`ve sent your article to my friend and i hope that your courage in being able to write about this will help her know she was not alone. Thank you.

Omigod, that was absolutely an amazing read. the way you were able to capture the nonchalance, yet not so nonchalant attitude of the young woman and the realness of such a situation had chills running down my back. i am still trying to shake the feeling and its awful to know that i will be able to shake it off in a little while, yet this feeling still haunts the character of your story and countless others like her. what was especially wonderful about your writing was the way the parents responded to her retreat from the world. it was seen as something good girls do. also the way you matched up the sound of flesh slapping against flesh and the cutting of the chicken from the bone...very chilling and just gorgeously written. thank you.

rizvi

I `ve said this before in Kaneez`s article and I will say it again. This is the heaviest burden to carry. People, please watch over your kids like hawks and don`t prepare them for others to abuse by abusing them thinking that a little ``discipline`` will do him/her good. Well written indeed.

Dear Jawahara,

Your narrative brought tears to my eyes, and memories of my own experiences, my own conflicts of shame and pleasure - of being a child and a woman at the same time, of being pinched, fondled, chased, kissed,locked into rooms by my uncle. Worst of all, that my mother just wouldn`t believe it, couldn`t comprehend it, and when she did, she just blamed me saying ``aadmi tau aisay hotay he hein, you should just take care not to be alone with him.``

No, it happens all too often in Pakistan too.

Recently I was at a popular supermarket in Karachi, where I saw an adult man with a few children. The other children were running all over the store, but the man kept one child, a girl of about eight, very close to him. This made me curious, so I followed them. There was something wrong about how close he was standing to her, his hand possessively on her shoulder, the look on her face and on his.

To my horror I saw that he moved his hand to her chest and was rubbing it back and forth. I approached them at that moment, stepping very loudly - he saw me and sprang back from her quickly. She looked at me and her expression was like that of a trapped animal. ``Stop this, save me,`` was written all over her eyes.

I felt sick to my stomach. I followed them around the whole store, giving him dirty looks, wanting to protect her. What else could I do? I saw the other children come up to him with candy and chocolate, heard them calling him ``Uncle``. I knew, then.

The man knew I was watching, and I know he knew that he had been caught. At the check-out counter, he ruffled the girl`s hair in a friendly manner, as if to say, ``Look, there`s nothing wrong with what I`m doing.`` But I wasn`t fooled.
I wanted to ask those children for their telephone number, call their mother, warn her. But I didn`t do it. I let it go, wishing that I could save everyone, but knowing that I couldn`t.

- Bina

I am indeed overwhelmed by your responese. Just a clarification though, the story was a fictional compilation of many people. Growing up, it was really more of a rarity if someone had not been molested by a known or unknown person. However, India being India, it was never acknowledged. Which, of course, we know helps exacerbate the problem.

As far as children enjoying it sometimes, yes, it is immensely confusing for the child. The real tragedy is the early sexualization of the child, who then agonizes about her/his enjoyment, and is usually unable to have healthy relationships.

I guess I am rambling here, but this one issue I am most passionate about.

A very real happening indeed. Of course this does not happen to girls alone, and boys have been known to be subjected to similar abuse. I can recall instances in Pakstan when I witnessed both young girls and boys subjected to abuse in public places, although I was too young to fully comprehend or stop it - something I have felt guilty about. I think it is important, though difficult and requires a lot of courage to confront such abusers and follow up on them to make sure that they do not subject another child to such abuse.

Jawahara:

Absolutely rapturous lead in. You must have dwelt a long time on the first two paragraphs.

Confession time.

Personally I am getting more and more de-sensitised. When I read about abuses to children, to young and old women, to the poor
to the dis-enfranchised--- I feel less and less perturbed. There was a time when the poet in me would stay awake all night unable to sleep. Now a twinge here or there and the attention is grabbed by some other rather trivial thought/s.

Why?

Is it because I am so far away from the scene of the crime? Is it because these are minor symptoms of a major disease? Is it because rigor mortis has set in? Is it.................oh, I am whirling in countless un-answerable doubts and queries. Is our nation-body a corpse or a cadaver? Is there any difference?

Yes, what your piece brings to the surface, should be discussed, analysed and if possible resolved. But my de-sensitised soul says if the body is cancerous should it be treated for migraine?

regards

I was distrubed to read the account of child abuse as depicted in your article. I honestly feel for the child who is the victim and I wonder, if the haunted gap in their minds ever closes and what will erase the memories seared into nightmares and pangs of guilt which the child will feel forever?

Sometimes I feel like Buddha and I close my eyes, because I do not want to see the evil that lurks in the world. I can be morally outraged, but what good is that going to do? I close my eyes and I look ahead and I pretend that I see nothing. If there was a conscience and I had it, I`ve killed it a long time ago. As far as I am concerned, I have no soul, just bitter memories. Should I go through life morally bankrupt and emotionally dead?

Yes.

This posting specifically addresses Ferozk and Temporal. I can really empathize with what you feel (both desensitization and trying to ignore etc) because I`ve been there too, and make fairly frequent trips to that state of mind.

And really I did not write this to bring about massive change in society. First of all, this was a story that I have wanted to write for a long time, and it just wandered whole into my consciousness a recent evening.

Secondly, this is a blatant acknowledgement of the problem. The challenge lies in helping just one child (ones` own, a nephew, a neice, a stranger). Just asking children, making them comfortable enough to confide in you, making them feel they are not blame, are needed to at least help in the lifelong quest for self-esteem, confused sexuality and to engender healthy relatio ships.

Anything more is just a bonus.

Jawahara

Re: Jawahara`s post #11

I realize that you weren`t seeking to change the world and I understand that by helping just one child, we can make a difference in one life. I can join the crusade against child abuse, but I have to ask myself; how many crosses must I carry and how far is the road to Calvary?

I can say that it is none of my business and turn my face and look the other way. What does that accomplish, nothing. In my last post when I mentioned that I close my eyes and pretend that I see nothing, I still know that the ugly reality still exists out there. The fact that I do not see it, does not mean it has gone away. When I re-open my eyes, I can still feel the devil walking next to me. I am, and I was, not reacting in a negative manner towards the problem, but rather at my own inability in dealing with it.

Somewhere I have to draw a line, but where is that line? It is being washed away periodically and it is never easy to tell the difference between right and wrong specially when they are just shades of grey. Sometimes I miss the clarity of a Manchian perspective when everything was black and white, but that was my childhood ages ago. The older I grow, the world makes less sense and there is no one right answer anymore. I am getting tired of asking the questions and hearing the answers which always begin with, ``because...``

Does this mean that I should give up the fight? No, it certainly does not. What it means is that I am presently between rounds, in a prize fight called life, and I need to take a breath! Allah willing, hopefully I shall soon see you at the trophy stand!!!!

These ``Uncle`` type @#$% * people exist in
almost all societies. The BBC recently did
an article on the abuse of young males in parts of
Pakistan and another on a similar problem of
female children paid to engage in ``services`` in India.
The worst part of all this is the blind eye
turned towards and even the tolerance of such
abuse in South Asian society.
Thanks for sharing this with us Jawahara.

Ras

Well written. Shandana wrote a story in a similar context sometime back (I forget the name), I thought it was more subtle and moving. Hers`, I think, was a true venture into the proverbial heart of darkness. Though, your use of first person narrative is very commendable.

``An all too common story that is rarely, if ever, talked about in India, and I suppose, Pakistan.`` I don`t think so. Please refer to the works of Manto, Chughtai, Abbas, Mufti and Qasmi. Also, refer the work done in the academia by Dr. Tariq Rehman of QAU. WAR (Women against rape) from Karachi can detail the everyday rhetoric regarding such concerns.

And think tabloids, especially the Evening Star from Karachi.

Regards,

Faisal

I think, despite the few newspapers and agencies that address sexual abuse of children in India and

Pakistan....there is not an awareness of it. Mainly because people do not want to believe it exists.

Also, faisal, the reason I did away with the subtelty was to expose the naked brutality of the act.

And ferozk, I was not passing judgment on you at all. If anything it was the fact that I can totally empathize with how you feel about this, and the world, at times. Sorry for the confusion.

P.S...I hope I got the names right. Will check later.

Jawahara

Here is a website folks may find interesting, the organization`s name is Sahil and they focus on child abuse in Pakistan: http://www.sahil.org/

Beautifully written. I actually like this better than Minhas`s story because it in fact is much closer to the reality that i have seen growing up. I know women to which this has happened, and I certainly remember ``uncles`` who my mom kept a good watch on when I was young. Still she never talked to me about it.

However recently on my trip to India I found that in fact that is changing. My bhabhis (who live in a somewhat conservative joint family) were talking to me about their children (ages 10,6 4) and how hard it was to explain to their kids about child abuse. But they did. It is distrubing but i would think that it is much less so than the experience of being abused.

My bhabhi actually came up with some simpler explanations for her 4 year old, such as ``no one but mummy should be touching your private parts`` and at 5 that is not such a bad explanation (not like anything else mom says makes sense). And she also makes it very explicit that the daughter must tell her anything that makes her uncomfortable.

I have to say, I admiresd their courage. Teaching their children something that had never been told to them. And trying to do it without prematurely ``sexualizing`` the kids.

Every child counts. Start with your own.