Discovering Ali Hasan

It does not matter whether one is desi, valayetti, cheeney or japani, love and lust are basic to our nature.

Tender nurturing and a sustained diligent effort cultivate love over a period of time. Love gradually grows and constantly evolves. It is multidimensional. It is the evergreen tree that grows from the seeds of liking planted in the soil of trust. It needs sharing, patience and understanding, like a plant needs water, nourishment and sunshine. Neglect or abuse it and it can perish. Cultivate it and love thrives.

Lust is only the raw animal passion, as real as hunger, thirst, pain, anger or joy. None of these passing waves ever last, but they are all valid and must be celebrated as they manifest life itself.

Sudden infatuation, on the other hand, usually breeds repentance.

re: slink

This is off the subject (an irrelevant tangent) but I`m beginning to get concerned about this growing trend on the Chowk. Just because its becoming an obsession does not mean that I`m off the mark, there must be a conspiracy somewhere here. I wrote about it under Zehra`s `Muslim in You Ass A` article, but then the article vanished somewhere deep into the cyber bowels of the Chowk. The plague is spreading and you are the third person to get effected now.

First it was BG (who became bg) and then Zehra become zehra and now et tu shandana from Shandana? Why do you women only use all lower case letters in your writing? (No guys have demonstrated this malady yet, so it may be gender specific?) You certainly didn`t used to do this before, but now you too do it.

Like I said to Zehra, I`m not imploring anyone to use UPPER case letters (in first person singular pronouns, beginning of sentences and proper nouns, name initials and acronyms). Is it just plain old laziness that prevents you to press the `shift` key? Is it, as I am really beginning to wonder, some radical feminist revolt against patriarchal conventions of English language? What is it? The trend is growing others are also doing it more and more.

now i`m no longer just plain old curious. i am getting worried, the bug is spreading.

...SR

re faraz,

`did you ever write anything with a different intent than that of shocking people?`?

actually, yes. the only thing i have written with just the itent of provoking people was `city of gargoyles`. if you go back and read my second comment to rehan, you`ll find i advise him against it.

`non-married male cannot ever understand the saas-bahu relationship...too stupid etc`

that comment was not a personal statement meant to hint at your stupidity. i do believe to truly understand a situation, you have to be a part of it. right now, you aren`t, and since you are male you will never have the same relationship with your saas that you future wife will. this has nothing to do with whether you are stupid or not. don`t take it so personally.

shandana

Its the turn of the century. With all its portends of doom and promises of el dorado -- the 21st Century stands poised.

Oblivious masses of humainty stare happily at the shadows shifting, morphing, undulating on the walls that hem in their lives. Distorted perceptions of morality engage in a desperate scuffle with dimmed intellects and blunted spiritualities until passion thought emotion reason are strangled -- by the unyielding rhetoric of culture and religion that rules upon the foundation of innumerate ``because we say so``.

Then why blame the product of the system ? Ali Hasan is a product of the system. And for every insensitive, immature gland there exists a self absorbed bundle of caprice.

Maybe Ali Hasan did make the right choice. For him. After all its not easy being a scandal.

cheers

dL

Re Jawaraha

``Faraz, if success and happiness of a complex relationship like marriage is measured by an absence of divorce, then yes, arranged marriages are totally successful``

No, no no. That was so not my point. My point was that even accounting for the fact that some desi marriages are held together by the taboo associated with divorce, the success rate (the presence of ``Companionship, friendship, love, support etc. etc`` in a good deal of arranged marriages) is too high to be considered due to chance alone. There is something in the system that does work. I wasn`t implying that it is the only feasible option or even if it is the most feasible, only that there is some intrinsic merit to it.

re: slink

Do you ever write anything with a different intent than that of shocking people?

``chowk has had `the guts` to print material far more provocative than anything you could possibly dig out of the mind of a desi male``

and

``the pakistani male will not grow up ``

I`m not insulted, just amused at your little tirade. It would be pretty interesting to see the response from the feminazis on Chowk if a desi male were to ever make such sexist statements directed at desi women.

Oh and I can`t ``ever`` understand the saas-bahu panga? Never? Too stupid to?

And the Houris waiting in heaven: Take it up with God.

Faraz

Hamlet & Ali Hassan

Perhaps its only appropriate that the Prince of Denmark and the vaccillitating nerd boy appear together in the same essay. He too was neurotic, and prone to the anxieties of Nerd boy here. They do share similar character traits, and ``the thing`` preys too deeply upon their minds as they vacillitate between action & inaction. I wonder if the author realized this irony he inadvertantly created by quoting from Hamlet or not ? Can we get an honest answer ?

OMAR

Dear Slink a/k/a Shandana,

Then We Shall See.

OMAR

re omar1974,

chowk has had `the guts` to print material far more provocative than anything you could possibly dig out of the mind of a desi male.

re fozia,

sure you find this everywhere, sure young women can be equally stupid. it`s just very pathetic to see this is a college student, particularly one who takes himself and his sense of identity very seriously.perhaps its also that rehan has erected a cardboard figure for me, representing all that i detest in the male of this species, and shooting bull bullets at it is a form of venting for me (and perhaps other anonymous readers).
the difference between the east and west is that in situations like this in most other countries where bands like boyzone etc are popular, the kids in question grow up, have the opportunity to experience different forms of lust and love etc.here, there is no tomorrow. there is only the endless day of immaturity as soceity,tradition and religion slither together to form a blanket around his perceptions. the pakistani male will not grow up because his doing so will threaten the fabric of our present soceity, of his power, of his control over the workings of this country. he doesn`t need to grow up, he just needs to learn how to provide..in this he is as much a slave to expectations as the woman is..but his reward is greater, not just more freedom (movement, speech etc) but also houris in heaven when he dies.

re faraz,

may i suggest that it is impossible for you, a `not married` male, to ever even come close to understanding the saas-bahu relationship.

shandana

Jawahara2: Hilarious pun. The Jewels have probably been conferred to someone else by now, given the strong & intolerant patriarchical family background of the person i had in mind. However, I shall always hold the exclusive intellectual property rights in that nick name.:)

Hope you & she both find real happiness in life. You are both equally impassioned about certain things. Repression does no good but create serious mental problems in desi chicks.

regards,

OMAR

I`m surprised at all those going on and on about Ali Hasan being immature, loser, needs to get-a-life etc etc. When I first read this story, my first impressions were that this guy went through the classic symptoms of what`s called a CRUSH. Other ways to describe this would be Puppy love, and being head-over-heels in ``love``. For those of you who think this is a desi-male phenomenon only, I ask that you step into your average high-school/junior high school in the west and you`ll find that most non-desi kids have experienced some version of crush-like feelings too. i.e being consumed by feelings of ``love`` for someone they`ve only seen from a distance or talked or danced with once.

For those wanting to dismiss this as male-only behavior, let me remind you the BackStreet Boys and N`Sync wouldn`t be selling any records if it weren`t for the hordes of teenage girls who are absolutely ``IN LOVE`` with these ``cute`` boys that sing ``I`m going to Love you forever`` in 10 different ways and then distribute that as a new album release.

Have any of these girls ever met the boys? If they are lucky they dished out $50+ for a concert and saw them from a distance and dreamed about the day they will be walking down the aisle with them.

Pathetic? Of course! Not to worry though, most will grow out of it in a few years when they hit their 20`s.

Ali Hasan`s problem is that his background is from a culture where exposure to the opposite sex is limited. And as such his puppy love stage is repressed and comes out at a later age when he hits college. To add further complication he is attracted from afar to a girl who is obvious very different from him in many ways.

If he was in Pakistan and was attracted to some girl in college, he wouldn`t be consumed by such doubts of whether the girl will ``blend in`` to his cultural background and personality. He`d simply chat it up with the girl. If the girl, being likewise inexperienced in ``love``,is sufficiently attracted to him, would proceed to fall into puppy love. And then both would live happily ever after... Until the parents find out that is! :)

What I doubt is completely realistic about Ali Hasan, is the fact that he`d ``decide`` not to pursue her after pondering the prospect for a few days. In my opinion he most likely would have pursued such a relationship, which either resulted in something great or something horrible. If it did end horribly then after that he`d approach his mom and tell her to find him a ``Piyaari, shareef, and non-taiz`` larkee.``... :)

Cheers

Fozia

re amber

i like the way you have inserted that poem at the end. makes the point well. but for the line

``My face is my dowry sir.``

i would change it to:

My brain is my fortune (dowry) sir.

cheers :)

re amber

i like the way you have inserted that poem at the end. makes the point well. but for the line

``My face is my dowry sir.``

i would change it to:

My brain is my fortune sir, she said.

cheers :)

re: Amber reply 29

Believe me I have no need to protect the image of the desi male. I was just trying to provide a male perspective on these things. After all, ``we`` were all being dismissed as Mama`s boys and only ``aik aaath` were considered smooth. Puhlease! Not that I give a damn, but it is a tad hypocritcal to talk about the abysmal state of desi romance, and blame it only on the guys. It takes two to (or as in most desi cases not to) tango my dear.

Regarding the saas-bahu thing; I think you miss my point. I doubt that the problem exculsively lies with either party, as a male all I can say is I wouldn`t want to listen to it from either side. Work it out.

``We are all prim and proper girls but when someone is expecting you to fulfil requirements a to z, then the question is Mr. how about fulfilling mine before that``

When did I say that`s not important? Don`t write me off as one of those guys please.

kab mujhako aiteraaf-e-muhabbat na thaa ``Faraz``

kab main ney kahaa thaa sazaaen mujhe na do?

Faraz

ps. By the way, I`m not married so don`t think this is coming from experience.

Omar: Mmmmm...you must have the wrong Jawahara, because I never went to NYU.Hope you find your ``Jewels, `` (any pun was totally unexpected, though irresistible, sorry, sorry, sorry).

Faraz, if success and happiness of a complex relationship like marriage is measured by an absence of divorce, then yes, arranged marriages are totally successful. However, in this day and age, many people look for more than a bread-winner, and a bread maker who sits at home. Companionship, friendship, love, support etc. etc. Are certainly what I looked for in marriage, and it s been 5 wonderful years so far. And I have closely observed other couples who are perfectly happy as well, and did not get married because of any pressures. But then I guess I and they broke most every rule there was. Essentially if you want something wonderfully different you have to take wonderfully huge chances.

So, yes, a lot of people do get married due to cultural/traditional conditioning because they are given no choices, and because of the contingent of harrassers that sprout once young men and women start advancing to undesirable ages. And because they are fed with the fear of evil ``love,`` marriages, and a lack of belief in their own abilities of discernment.

Match-makers look for (as stated in my previous post) superficial things like looks and money (which are important I ll grant), but they never look at personality types, what each person thinks of and expects from marriage. The list goes on.

Also, if all the good sons out there cannot take the biggest decision of their life, i.e. who to spend their life with, perhaps they are not mature enough to be husbands and fathers anyway.

For whoever had problems with Ali Hasan, I think he is the product of all the things I`ve mentioned above. Never seeing women as individual people and getting swayed by a pretty face enough to avow undying love stems from the aspects of society described above, I think.

That s all for now. Over and out

Re: Shandana, Amber, Zehra, jawahara, SR & FerozK

I personally think you guyz started an interesting conversation about Desi male`s expectations and i hate to disagree with you all, particularly the ladies (perhaps they are right about 98% of the confused Desi boys) but there is a great deal more to growing up, even falling in love than this b.s that Rehan Rizvi has concocted thru the lens of Ali Hasan. Rehan my friend, you know NOTHING about either LOVE or LUST or the power of unbounded passion of ANY KIND. Like I said the ending is all wrong, this fool Ali Hassan does not even attempt to obtain love, he lack both a real heart and soul.

I wrote something that is the perfect counter to your piece just a couple of weeks ago. I somehow doubt that Chowk will have the guts to publish it, but it paints a very different picture of a young desi male than you have painted here thru the eyes of Ali Hassan.

ZEHRA : Check your hotmail account. I sent you a copy (I couldn`t resist after reading your comments here about wanting to know what is really on the minds of young desi males today and what some of them really want in a woman).:)

Its also unlikely to leave the image of desi females in a very flattering light.

OMAR MIRZA

Jawahara :

Hey Jewels!

You must have graduated from NYU by now. Funny bumping into you here. Perhaps not surprising though. Drop me an e-mail for the heck of it at OMAR1974@aol.com.

P.S Guess what, The last time you saw me in Bobst basement, i knew. You thought i didn`t, but i did. That old joke is definitely on you pal.

OMAR

Re: Jawaraha and the arranged-marriage-boogie man

``The whole concept of arranged marriage is too much of a barter/economic exchange for my taste``

In my opinion, the statement would equally true even without the word arranged in it. I have never found much rationale behind marriage, not that I think it is a bad insitution. Why do people get married if it is not because of cultural/tradional conditioning?

``Furthermore, I think most desi marriages are quite unhappy``

I have to say I disagree with that. In general (and as you have already pointed out we are painting very broad strokes here), both desi marriages and desi families are stronger then western ones and not just because of the taboo of divorce. I am no fan of the arrangedness of desi marriages but I have to conceed that their success rate is too high as to merely be explained by the presence of certain cultural taboos. In the U.S. a 50% divorce rate (of all new marriages) is something that calls in to question the long term viability of the institution itself.

And happiness in a marriage, not that we can measure such a thing, is probably more plentiful in desi marriages then in western ones. What ticks off a lot of people, especially westernized desis, is that the ``Ali Ahsun``s of the world, having never had a serious relationship in their life upon reaching the mid twenties, go to their (now infamous) mothers and ask that a wife be found for him.

Most of the time, if the guy has a halfway decent job or family background, he ends up getting a girl he could have never have gotten if he had to compete in the open market place (a la western style dating). Most of the time the girl is too inexperienced to know the difference. But anyway they get married...and this the part that really ticks off the ABCDs..they seem to be happy!(I know it doesn`t make any sense but it happens, maybe because the couple ``don`t know any better`` , but it does happen). After all if you subscribe to the western concept of true love leading to happiness, you should never have such happiness in any arranged marriage simply because the marriage did not arise out of true love.

Incidentally, do you realize the kind of chaos that would ensue in desidom if all these ``desi romeos`` were told by their mothers that they had to find wives for themselves! Most would imply not be able to do it!

At the end of the day both a perfect marriage and true love remain unattainable for most people.... that is if they even exist at all..... but it is fun to what them try,

Faraz