His Decision

Hello everyone,

I`ve been away from Chowk for some time, so I didn`t realize my short story had ben published until just today. Sorry for the delay in responding to your feedback. Thanks to you all for your helpful comments, questions, compliments, and criticisms.

Re: AA

The burning of effigies and mock funeral procession scene is purely fictional (unless anyone else knows of this happening). But given gay men`s penchant for melodrama, I can see it happening quite easily :).

Re: temporal

``As a hetereosexual,

I am always a little uncomfortable reading or discussing same sex tales. I cannot get into it with emotions--- sort of surgically detached, critical-analytical mode. And sans emotion, the enjoyment lacks something.``

Good observation. Now you understand how gay people feel when they are constantly bombarded with images of heterosexual love and relationships in their families, in the media, in schools and universities, and in their workplaces. Emotional disengagement and alientaion become second nature to us.

``what if the screen lovemaking was done by Shah Rukh Khan and Akshay Khanna? Do you think our reactions would have been different?``

Oh please, don`t tease me like that! :) Seriously, though, I think the reaction would probably have been different. Given the patriarchal nature of Indian/desi society and the appropriation of female sexuality solely for male pleasure, the reaction to a gay male love affair would been less severe since it wouldn`t have threatened male power or made male sexuality irrelevant to women. Also, the lesbian realtionship in Fire seemed to stem more from societal and familial circumstances than from an inherent, exclusive attraction to the same sex. It was more of a commentary on the position and power/powerlessnessof women in Indian society than a study of homosexuality. Perhpas that is why it angered so many people.

Re: BG

I wouldn`t personally make this decision, but coming to either decision is no easy task. I could just as easily go Omar`s way and give in to my shame, to change myself in order to fit into some conception of the ``straight path.`` My feeling when I was writing this was that the decision isn`t so clear cut. There are many valid personal reasons for either choice. I didn`t want to judge anyone who might make the decision to become straight, but I wanted to understand the reasons he might do so.

Re: Cheeno

Yes, the religious undertones do stem from my personal experiences, and I struggled a long time trying to reconcile my sexuality with my religious yearnings. At the moment, I comfortably identify as an atheist secular humanist, but who knows, that may change down the road. I`m also thinking of changing my Chowk p-nym to something more positive. `Kafir` tells others what I don`t believe, but not what I do. Any suggestions?

Re: Zehra

I`d be very happy to help you with your research. Have you heard of Al-Fatiha, the first international GLBT Muslim organization headquartered in Boston? I`ll email you with more details.

Re: RanaRansher

You`re very right in that many people, regardless of sexual orientation, gender, race, etc., face many of the same anxieties and concerns as Omar. As for the reasons why Omar wants to turn straight, the ambiguity probably arises from my inexperience as a writer in conveying Omar`s motivation and background more clearly. My idea was to use Oren as a plot device to trigger Omar`s own buried sense of shame, lack of self-worth, and loneliness which eventually lead him to his decision. The story, imo, is more about the internalized shame that develops as a result of being `different` and disliked and the self-esteem issues that arise out of it. The broken relationship is less essential. But as a reader, you`re entitled to your own opinion, of course.

As for a gay gene, none has been discovered yet, but there is strong eveidence that sexual orientation has a genetic and biological component, if not 100% causation. Even if it is a genetic trait, I wouldn`t label it an `oddity,` but rather an aspect of human diversity. For instance, left-handed people are not `odd`; they`re simply different. Psychology and upbringing also may play a role to a certain extent, but the depression and alienation that many gays suffer from result not from any inherent psychological problem, but from society`s inability to accept them as they are.

Re: OMAR1974

It`s not easy talking about my relationship with my somewhat estranged family, so I hope you don`t mind if I refrain from a Jerry Springeresque testimonial. Suffice it to say that`s it`s a VERY touchy issue, cloaked in shame, disappointment, anger, and fear on both sides. Sexuality in general is hardly discussed in our familes and culture, and family duty is paramount, so my deciding to come out and live an openly gay life has ruptured a lot of the fabric of my family. But I have to live may life honestly. Others may decide to sacrifice personal happiness and fulfilment for their families, and I respect that decision as well. To each his own...

Re: Anita

I sincerely hope that people don`t begin to view homosexuality as a disease again. In fact, many gay activists are opposed to the biological search for sexual orientation for precisely this reason. But, imo, finding such a causation would be a positive thing. Gays and lesbians have always said that their feelings and attractions were not by choice, and if biology can prove that, so much the better. The challenge lies in convincing straight people that being gay is like being tall, or being left-handed, or being male, or being fair-skinned - simply another value-neutral character trait. It`s a tough challenge, considering all the religious and cultural taboos associated with sexuality, but it can be done (and is being done in liberal circle s throughout the Western world).

Re: FerozK, SR, HijabMan, Wasiq, and everyone

Thanks for your kind and encouraging words. It`s very heartening to find supportive friends in the Pakistani/desi community from which I have become estranged to a large degree.

BTW, the reply #16 from `Kafir` is not from me. Must be some glitch in the response processing. It should belong as reply #83 under another article. Waheed I am not! :)

Uh,... editors, I think you mixed up my reply with someone else`s. The previous reply by ``Kafir`` is not by me!

Kafir

Post #83 in the Discovering ALi Hassan article and Post #16 are almost identical. Shall we read something into it?

Re: Fozia

My heart goes out to your story...please send your latest picture in a self addressed envelope to me c/o chowk staff...ASAP !!! I would really like to help.

P.S. Faraz/Omar/temp/Feroze, a friend of mine has a saying, which goes something like this, ``its the same damn thing all the way, in one case you end up paying a lump sum at the begining and in the other you just make it into installments over a period of time, and then his favorite word but ``$%

sorry, but i must say, that was abolutely brilliant. (confession: i hate when authors leave it open ended like that hahaha..i have to know what happened...but i think ill just let my imagination do the work) ...i like the style of writing. Very detailed, vivid, put a picture in my head..the GAY gene and HET gene :) loved it, and love that u can openly talk about homosexuality when so many people will start throwing around insults....thanks

Javed

re: Anita
Thanks for clearing that up.

Anita and others:

Incest and killing the offspring are common practices in the animal kingdom. But that does not justify for human being to do the same. Humans can do better than being ruled by their whims and lusts. Shaar irshad hay:

janvaron se behtar hay insan banena

magar es may lagtee hay mehnat zayada

(Sorry, Allama Sahib)

Nicely done, Kafir. The HET-1 gene injection as a `cure` really got me thinking. What if?

How would people react - gay and straight? Would we start thinking of homosexuality as a disease again? Would we advise treatment? Enforce it?

Would have liked to know more about why Omar wanted to become straight? Was it purely a reaction to his lover`s leaving?

Re: RanaRansher

Don`t know if this will help, but homosexuality is a common practice in nature, from insects to lower mammals, to intelligent primates (macaques, baboons, chimps etc). It isn`t a practice unique to humans. Psychiatrists no longer regard it as a disease, although a couple of decades ago, they did. It is now considered within the spectrum of normal human behavior. There is almost certainly a genetic predisposition, with genetic expression depending on the environment and early sexual experiences of the child.

A

Absolutely marvelous, both in substance and style. This is the most well crafted piece of writing I`ve read at the Chowk in a long time.

[``…life had its own agenda, he had lately begun to realize, and no amount of planning could control the whims of the heart…``]

How very, very true. These are the words of a sage. One who has been there and back. This realization comes but only to a few.

[``…the words suddenly stirred him… he remembered his old feelings of certitude and purpose, feeling giddy with excitement at a treasure rediscovered…``]

With such effortless casualness these profound and insightful words describe the subtle workings of the mind. Verily, beliefs are based on emotional foundations. Excellent.

The only blemish in the whole piece, as already pointed out, is the Mitch / Omar typo, but that`s why writers have editing folks looking out for them.

…SR

Yes, I am also not sure why Omar wants to play for the ``other team``, just because Oren left him and ended the relationship?! Well, love is tough and if you lose it only time can heel the wounds, chaning lifestyle might not help! Besides, it seems that Omar was the one so deeply involved in the relationship and not Oren, and if that`s the case then Omar must move on with his life.

re: Kafir
Well written. Enjoyed it. It is the first piece of writing of its kind that I have read.
What struck me as somewhat interesting was that a lot of the issues Omar had with life-in-general are issues everybody has regardless of whether they are gay or heterosexual. For example, anxiety about marriage, loneliness, etc. are things that a lot of heterosexual people go through.
From the story, it is not really clear to me why Omar wants to turn straight. He is obviously already in a `famiuliar` circle of friends and companions who accept him for being gay. The emotional turmoil he seems to be going through could happen to even heterosexual people after they end a relationship.

Excuse my ignorance on the subject. But is there such a HET gene which you can inject and it will make you heterosexual ? Does that imply that being gay is somewhat of a genetic oddity ?
I always thought that being gay was (as Audrey echoed) because of ``All the pain and self-hating that one may go through while growing up``. Hence being more psychological than physiological.
Aren`t those two kind of contradictory ?

I went to a boarding school in India. And this is what we were taught about being gay. It did bring about a little more awareness and acceptance about the whole thing. Although I still remember how certain people were treated once everybody knew they were gay. I didn`t initiate any of it myself but I still carry that burden of bad karma, just for not ever doing anything positive to prevent it.

Kafir, congrats on being published on Chowk and for e-penning a thought provoking, sometimes uncomfortable, article with an unique perspective. On this side of the hetrosexual fence, though we pretend other wise, we know so little about how the other side exists.

To the Chowk staffers, bravo for your decision and you have moved in the vanguard, by your actions, in the attaining the ideals of tolerance and equality for all who visit this incrediable cyber landmark!

I liked the story, well written, but on a sidebar, i am curious to know about a more personal perspective on the tension between a gay Paki-Muslim and his family, how they deal with the issue, their response etc. You certainly are not obliged to fulfill my curiosity in this regard, but i`d be interested to hear your personal experiences in this regard and the status of your relationship with your family (Parents & Siblings, and childhood friends). Do they know? Or are you still in the closet ?

OMAR1974

kafir, im so glad to see a piece finally published by you..i know that you have been trying etc. you did manage to beat me to it. look for a piece by me on identity politics within the gay community. i have been doing research on it ( some academic mostly personal)..and i have come up with a stumbling block on finding any academic matieral that pertains to gay muslims and the kind of community they are able to form. i have been meeting and talking with salga (south asain lesbian and gay association) members in NY and was hoping to get some more feedback from you at some point, since my connections on the west coast are pretty much non existent. if you have the time, i would love to hear from you, please email me at errerr@hotmail.com.

once again, great job dealing with the issues on hand, the indecision and guilt on being `different`.

z.rizvi

Kafir: Really enjoyed reading this story. I admire your honesty and courage in dealing with a topic which most societies have colored with shame and contempt. The love scene was a bit jarring at first, but your unselfconscious way of relating it very quickly eased my discomfort.

If I may, I`ll take the liberty of assuming that the religious theme in the work drew from your personal experiences in reconciling conflicts between your sexuality and the religion you grew up with. Does the p-nym `Kafir` stem from that?

Thank you for pushing the horizons of desi conformity in particular and human tolerance in general. And thanks to the CHOWK STAFF for allowing alternative voices, views, lifestyles, to be seen and heard. That requires courage, too.

hi, kafir!

didnt know you could write so well. excellent! i couldnt stop reading. i especially enjoyed the details of the brochures -- they really cracked me up. and the bit about the mock funeral procession, etc. was brilliant.

i hope you dont have to put up with too much right-wing finger-wagging. i`m glad you sent this story in and it got published.

now for the criticism: if you wouldnt personally make this decision, why did `Omar` make it? isnt that a cop-out? isnt it like killing the gay/black/other/dispesable person in the movie/book because living is a challenge?