My Ode to Rishtay

enlightening...arent all men scumbags....heheh

wish u`d find the ONE...but i guess the mind set of a liberated muslim ( read amoral ) these days is to search for the perfect which never will come.....

good luck

Allah haafiz

great to know there are other open minded Pakistani women out there. For years I have felt so alone. God knows how many Pakistani men I have scared off! Ashee

Wery well written article. Chowk is indeed blessed with quality writers!!

Abbas.

Quite moving, i think i will write about my failed ``arranged`` marriage to an ABCD, maybe you will like getting the other side perspective on rishtas.

Assalamoalaykum Arshiya,

Nice piece of work ... very fluid, yet packing interesting observations. I`d like to know a bit more about you, may be tell you a bit about myself i.e. if you feel interested. My email is:

eraser28@excite.com

Do keep writing. You have a non-offending, pleasant style. I`d like to see more of that.

take care,

Ehtisham.

Arshiya,

Thanks for the gesture. It meant a lot to me. :)

Keep writing.

-!Kamran!-

Good Day, Mr. Baker!

See you on some other topic discussion.

Regards

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I think things are being taken far seriously than they should be. In light of my above statement, I will like to conclude the discussion on issues of Iqbal`s Shaheen(s), Murdae Momins, Wajoodae Zun and all the other deep thoughts. Though my inclinations to stick to the initial quote is still there:

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Mr. Baker or Bakery:

With due respects, I would like to thank you for your kind wishes.

I have Ayut-ul-Kursee and Surah Naas and Faluq on my finger tips. So hope that lessens your concerns for the dream vs nightmare myth.

Apparently there is no glass ceiling for folks with vision. When Iqbal could provide guidance to the Murdae Momin by his verses and they did not use them on time and appropriately then ``Sunfae Nazuk`` need to come forward and start acting on:

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Mr. Baker:

I am assuming you have very politely agreed with the forceful thoughts I have cared to jot down. So kind of you :-)!

I have not read any of your sermons(double meaning English word)anywhere, will do so based on the Faraghut (Easy Urdu Word).

Allah Baili(Easy Punjabi Word)

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Dear Mr. Baker:

Hello! Not to prove you wrong and myself right, I will just politely say that my views are different from yours. I would have cared to convince when I was in my teens and would chalk out next ten years strategy. At that time, if I was given a jolt that wake up Dreams Never Come True. I would have resented a lot.

I have passed those ten years already and have achieved what I dreamt of so when I find people who will not add to my perception of life anything except their traditional views, I simply do not care to convince.

Men will remain men and women will remain women.

Women may climb the corporate ladder high enough but they will still remain women. I personally feel that just because a woman tries to climb a ladder she is peceived a threat. Well, if that competition is based on her intellect or work that is justified but it is perceived as gender competition. That is where misunderstandings begin.

Lastly, it has been my observation that folks who have marriages based on mental compatibility and same intellectual wavelength have higher chances of having harmony in life than the fools who marry because God has created women to reproduce.

Take Care

Note: I was assuming that you will get help from your better half on the words and their meanings. I thought you said somewhere that both of you complement each other where one is weak the other will provide the strength. Well,let me take a guess here probably you meant if a wife cannot carry a heavy laundry basket then the husband should carry it. She can put the clothes in the machine. Probably that was your example of complementing each other ???

Anyway, views are views!

After reading Arshiya`s article I remember my

own article on ``Relationships`` which was written

to explain rather psychological reasoning for

forming a relationship. Lightly speaking, a relationship `evolves`.

It starts from interpersonnel attraction, grows into interactions, enriches with self-exposure and at maturity changes into a relationship. Most of the time we loop-back just from interaction stage and restart to look

forward for someone we feel attractive. And you are lucky enough if you find that opportunity as ``there is no decision-making if there is no choice``.

It is like finding the other half

of a dollar-bill out of many `other halves`

and one is even lucky if one finds enough of em.

Otherwise they try to complete it

with the closest match, which apparently completes

the piece of paper but was never part of it.

I agree with Arshiya that unfortunately some of us

are forced to bypass the initial process and

directly jump into starting a relationship

by `Rishta`..and then after they are exposed to

each other, they come to know how much they

are incompatible.

We all eventually learn something from this gamble.

I learned one thing deeply involved ``potential to change through learning``.

This change should be two-folded so that outcome is for both. If A changes for B or

B changes for A, I call it compromise, but if change is such that outcome is shared

by both, it is a relationship.

It requires flexibility to adapt, which requires honesty, not possible without motivation,

and to find sources of motivation requires creativity.

The principles of relationships could be good for study but after all, it is an art…

Choosing the right colors to paint your future is as much important as each

stroke of brush. An over-coat on a wrong stroke does not mean that it is not there underneath…!

Nadeem Zahid

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A Studabaker; A big American car that its difficult to find parking for.:)

Omar

Mr. Baker:

Sorry could not get back to you and would not be able to do so before the weekend.

Unfortunately/Fortunately am quite busy.

Later,

Note: In the meantime, please keep on reciting the verse of Iqbal that I quoted :-)

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Re: Studebaker #71

``Its like a synchronously man the workhorse engine runs on the fuel from women.``

You just don`t get it, do you?

May be my wifes post somewhere help to express the intricasieses of relation ships of life,when it comes to`` yield,proceed, stop, turn ,pass....``

Logic, science,legality etc. could never make the rules of relationship it is a natural talent of compatible chemistry!Mr. Baker you are indeed lucky to have found the right person in a wrong world.However i would like to live in your UTOPIA where where man & women are not parasitical in relationship but SYMBIOTIC existence,so that one cant live withoput the other how, ``Romeo juliet`` like.

``Now I realised Everything Happens For A Reason. Sometimes people come

into ourlife and We don`t know right away that they were meant to be

there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure

out who you are? And sometimes things happen to us at the time that may

seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection we realize that

without overcoming those obstacles we would have never realized our

potential, strength, will power or heart.

Everything happens for a reason.

I never know One Guy is going to make change in my life completely.but

when we lock eyes with them, we know that every moment that they will

affect our life in some ways. After i met him there is a change in my

life.before marriage I was different. Now I Create My own life because

of him.

That person is my husband----``

ZAHRA #72

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Mr. Baker:

It is not about Haan Ya Naan. I could read a Jullee Bhunee tone therefore I said ``Paich-o-Taab``.

``Women have more jobs because of economy & not ERA.All it has done confused the women as to what is more important Family or career!``

Reading your views assures me something. You are more than welcome to correct me if they are incorrect. It seems you are a married fellow. And you have a good plea for not having a wife who is a working woman. ???

Well, life for married ones are different than those for the singles. Importance of

Career vs Family or Career and family or either Career or Family is relative to a person, regardless of being a man or a woman. That is my view.

And it is probably because I always aspired to work and have a nice professional position with an international firm. It was just a child`s aspiration but there was a lot of hard work and prayers involved in the final results. By the Grace of God, I got what I prayed for.

That did not mean that all the other entities in my life disappeared. In fact, I happened to love and respect them far more as they were/are my emotional support. Yes, there are times when being in a highly visible position one has to give a good portion of ones life to that but it is on a person how he/she balances.

Men/Women are equally capable of creating work/life balance. It is apparently harder for an Eastern Man to believe that. And I am not trying to be annoying here. But I am NOT throwing words in the air as well.

Your examples are quite unclear. For either you do not want them to be understood or are at a level where it is hard to understand thee.

I guess I need to write a little more on my observations while growing up. As I mentioned previously about always wanting to be in a career, as I child I never had the sense of what it means to work or earn money. Well, I meant that I was well provided. But still had the urge to be on my own.

So my first internship as a 23 year old was very eye opening for me. I had so much respect for the managers(men) in my office that I cannot even express. I used to see the high blood pressures, the long days, the ups and downs and all that happens in a very highly proactive environment. That was in Lahore, Pakistan. Then I would see my manager`s wife being unable to do things herself. For instance, if a child has to be taken to the hospital then she will give him a call and the husband has to go home and pick up the kid along with the mother and then drive them to the hospital and then drop them back and then come back to work. I was an intern and that was my first life time experience of the corporate world. I wished to ask his wife that she should learn how to drive and then understand that her husband is working quite long hours to finish his job and she should manage certain things on her own. Well, that was what a child`s(me) thougt. I interned with that company for six months. When I was leaving I had a clear picture that it was not only the wife but it was the husband himself who never encouraged her. In fact, being a Pathan it was a question of ``honor``. We have a lot of idiots with these nonsense honor on the face of earth.

Do not you think that by sharing the burden the husband would have lesser chances to have a heart attack rather than preserving the false prestige ?

``So your point is well taken into account.``

I am quite amused to read that. Even if no one agrees with me, by the Grace of God my views will remain my views. :-) Though thanks for the confirmation.

Well you mentioned my beloved Poet Laureate, and just to let thee know I have Hifz Karofy a lot of his verses, Rubiyaat in my childhood and have kept them with me since then.

I am surprised quoting Iqbal you forgot to realize that he has criticized the youth a lot. And I will just say not to further belabor my thoughts and to remind thee what he said about ``his own species``. Well dear Poet Laureate knew the Suqm in the community even 80 years back :-)

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Re: STUD-A-BAKER

You said re American Womyn

They are so well done steak, that they are burnt out.

Hey Stud, frankly i think this is quite an outrageous comment, it reminds me of another ridiculous comment from a past article by someone else who thinks like you do, he said that he did`nt want a `used wife,` `cause heck, he couldn`t even bring himself to buy a `used/2nd hand car`.

One set of values for those with/out hymens, another for those with dicks? Typical desi male chauvanist mentality pal. I know you`re not espousing celibacy for young men 18-26 at their sexual peak, right? :) `Cause after that, we all know it all goes into a steady decline. That is an incontrovertible fact. Why do you think in Mughal times marriage was common at the ages of 15-17 ? Its only the industrialization of society that when combined with traditional muslim mores, has become a lunatic system designed solely to frustrate nature`s prime directive by delaying marriage which = regular sex, for men upto their late 20s and fact is, its not reasonable to expect religion to give ya an orgasm or compensate for the lack of one. And you can do Zikar all you want all day long, join the whirling dervishes or other sufi order if you like, but when an 18 yr old gets up in the morning every day with a permenant hardon and has 10 errections a day, it just ain`t gonna do it for him. Now logically, unless you espose homosexuality, these men who are going to have sex, are going to do so with guess whom ... SURPRISE, `WOMYN!` So obviously if you refer to the womyn as `well done`, the men can`t exactly be keeping their dicks in their pants in order for that to be true. Hypocricy, and a one sided misogynistic patriarchical view are the hallmarks of the average Paki male to say nothing of the Peter Pan Syndrome. You suffer from these faults in my humble opinion.

Omar

Mr. Baker:

Uchaa Ub Kuch Sumujh Main Aya Kae Aap Itna Paich-o-Taab Kyoon show Kur Rahae Haen.

I personally have very hard time tolerating a fellow who tries to emotionally misuse a woman`s success.

You did not comment on a man being a CEO and having a six year old that he neglects and never acts as the father he is supposed to be. A man is not only supposed to be a bread-winner but also has to observe the roles he falls into (or is supposed to ). Why people become so damn threatened when they see a woman doing well ? And immediately start assuming that Oh, she will be quite negligent when it comes to fair well with her roles as a mother, sister, daughter, wife, grandma, great great grandma ? I guess, this is something i have never able to understand.

The way I interepreted this ``strange insecurity`` was :

a) Women have worked hard and harder to do well in life for themselves or for their families(whatever) but the male mentality has not changed.

b) The percentage of Eastern men with mothers as working woman is few and far between. Therefore, the concept of an Eastern Woman being an independent person is quite ``discomforting`` for many.

It immediately makes him picture a western woman with boundless energy and independance and what next? That picture of the western woman is someone who does not like to be in bounds, having responsibilties and all Ulah Blah Shalah.

U pick-up a Cosmo edition and you will see a strong woman`s picture who has no inhibitions. But that is not THE ONLY PICTURE OF WESTERN WOMEN, on Cosmos cover on Estee Lauder`s ad.

There are a lot of them who are great mothers, sisters, wives and grandmas and are worth admiring. And they utilize themselves effectively than wasting time in getting a house cleaned or monitoring a batch of servants.

But it is probably to do with the priorities and also what is on their plate.

I can go on and on. But I hope that you understood my points.

Take Care

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Mr. Baker:

``Tell me if i am wrong!,You dont think divorce rate even in your church attending Catholics is

upward of 50% in 2years increasing each years they remain married after that.Now i am not

honor killing supporter but childrens have right too who are not even players in this descision.

___________________

If this passage was a question or concern then I am trying my best to comprehend.

I understand that you are bringing out the harsh decisions that couples make and the bad effects of those on their children. I am lost and will request to know the reference to the context for the above argument. Unless you intended a general question.

``What else is my myth,every statistics or personal experience living, studying ,working teaching,

playing ,socializing,& providing a shoulder to cry on for quite a few men & women.I am not

some moulana in Rawalpindi giving Khutba for friday prayer at million dollar mosque of yours.I

also think somehow people born or immigrated here to day or 200 years ago are ore the best i

have met in all sense BUT I AM TALKING A BOUT DECLINING FAMILY ,DIZZYING PACE,DYING TO BE NO.1,you know the rest!``

_______________________

Mr.Baker: I had a strong urge to add ``y`` after thy name and I resisted it. This was the result of seeing my name used upside down. It is Z.a.h.r.a.!

Coming to the above analysis of yours that is kind of clearer at the end and quite Mushkil Fulsafaa in itself.

a) Declining Family: I read that as not having the same bondage as it used to be before. People are becoming far more self-centered.

b) Dizzying Pace: Life is faster than we can spell f.a.s.t.e.r ? Well, it is adventurous though and lots of fun.

What else should I quote about the fast * *2 pace, I am waiting for a Charter Flight that is part and parcel of the dress rehearsal plan of my project`s implemention. And I am up alert and sitting at work to make sure that the flight gets out of all the downpours, thunderstorms, Kali Ghatain, Toofan, and finally lands safely. Well, Ok, it is wee hour but it is fun. If that is dizzying pace ? Then let it be :-)

c)Dying to be #1: Meaning being competitive? Well, one can improve oneself by going from level #1 to level # 2. That is personal improvement. Now if one wants to be the best then that is different that is going to the level # 2(based on personal enhancement)and also making sure that one does better than the others i.e XYZ, WAD, TGY etc. That is a different thing.

Teekh!

Take Care

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Dear Mr. Baker;

A clarification, I never implied that the American Women may be 10 years ahead of a Pakistani/Indian/Bangla woman.

(Though ``ahead` is a relative term)

I was just telling a fact that my friends at the age of 24-25 were not whites of my age group. It has to do with the mental calibre and not the knowing more or less. For them it was a new and very strange thing to come across an Easterner and above all a Muslim Woman who had aspirations and ambitions like the women of the modern world(so called- sarcasm) intended. Just to let thee know that both are staunch Catholics.

Though, it is just a connection that you develop even with folks who do not come from the same origin and soil.But the fact that there are nicest people on all the Kona Khurdara of the world should make us broaden our horizons.

I was not clear on the myth that you have cared to describe on the last passage of thy post. Sorry it went above the head. Probably, I have not made enough success in understanding clear facts and have been far more interested in resolving complexed myths.

Take Care

I see, I am beginning to understand the reason. Thanks, it really helps especially coming from females.

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Dear Oye Oye:

Just wanted to let you know it was very cute and pertinent response to Daring.

Bhayya Daring:

No offense meant, but I am assuming my Greek God myth was quite appropriate and I wanted to thank you for admitting it without saying that in clear words.

Let`s analyze the following:

1. As I mentioned looks are important. But being an individual my looks should be far more important to me first than to any one in my surroundings. That is something I believe in and do not give a damn to my Tail Sae Doobae Haoyae Hair. And I have some shortage of nicely woven Parandas that I may be getting once I visit home this year (Inshallah). So I lack elegance at the moment as I cannot find the nicely woven parandaas from the interior Punjab that I get in Anarkali.

I think what you are missing here is simply the note that well educated and independent women do not get carried way by a man`s physique only there should be some matter in the brains. Probably you knew pretty well that quite a few lack that therefore you have chosen to stick to nutritional health of women. Well, if a man can be dumb, a woman can be obese, if a man can be intellectual, a woman can be pretty. If a man can be stupid, a woman can be crazy, if a man can be well read, a woman can be poetic.

Kindly start pondering the nutrional factors defined above and I am sure you will be able to resolve the Biryanee(I cannot stand it) and Parathaas(Not my cup of tea) myth.

Starbuck`s - Mocha Valencia

Cofee Beanery - Mocha Cream (Light, two shots of orange flavor) My Cup of Tea.

Take Care

All of us have gone through the sometimes embarrassing, but always interesting, process of being ?checked out? by members of another family. Since I was born and raised in Pakistan I have a somewhat different perspective on this whole process. At least Ms. Khan got to talk to her prospective suitors, I did not even get that opportunity. Fortunately my parents heeded my loud arguments and violent door slamming and saved the poor innocent female, whomever she might have been, from a lifetime of painful marriage to moi.

However, just yesterday I came to know of my friend?s engagement to a, what I am sure is a very nice, girl whom HE HAS NEVER TALKED TO let alone met. Him, being the nice and obedient son, and her, being the nice and obedient daughter, agreed to the marriage and are now formally engaged. What scared me beyond belief was the look on his face when he heard, through his cousin, that some of his family members had met the girl, she is in Pakistan, and thought that she was a nice person. He did not even know that! To quote Marlon Brando in ?Apocalypse Now?: The horror. The horror.

Kool article keep it up,you have a great ideas and i really respect them

Re: Zahra..

Array baba... i was just kidding about the tail-wali look!! In any case i am sure you

are absolutely beautiful with or w/o oil.

What i meant about `not bothering about one`s looks` was that sometimes a person

gets so caught up with doing things and carrying out responsibilities that they tend to think

less for themselves and their well-being. They put others before them. In those instances,

one doesn`t bother about making an extra effort to look good as long as the job gets

done. Looks don`t matter ALL the time. Its whats inside that makes someone beautiful.

Dear Daring,

U have made a very interesting observation. I can`t really give an exact ans

to that. Women are very complicated! I don`t think that most of the Paki women FEAST

on parathas and biryani all the time. Perhaps once in awhile they do indulge. There can be

so many reasons....one misses desi food..misses home. Then there is the Freshman 15

theory-- all first-years put on an average of 15 pounds when they first go to college. I

guess being so far away from home and not having to deal with the family getting after u

about what to eat and not to eat and bothering about your figure.....i think the women

would tend to gain weight-- i did (but i`ve lost it now!)-- but there are women hu don`t fall

into this and are more aware and take care of themselves. It depends on an individual.

We aren`t as health conscious when we`re back home. Abroad we begin to learn about

calories, fat content, nutritional content-- most of the food we get home doesn`t have this

info at the back of a box of Prince Lu biscuits or a litre of Igloo ice-cream. We don`t eat

as many salads as we do here...probably b/c the vegetables back home don`t really look

as appetizing as they do here. And everyone around us here talks about weight control,

fitness, exercise, working out whereas compared to home its doesn`t really arise. I really

haven`t seen women working out in gyms back home as they do here. The environment is

different back home. We are wary of going places alone, being by ourselves, being

approached by strangers. Abroad we are given a chance to try out things we haven`t

before. I used to love swimming when i was younger. But as i got older, i gave it up.

Swimming is one of the best work-outs. But being back home, I wasn`t inclined nor

comfortable with going swimming at the Gymkhana or Karachi Club. But since I have

been abroad, I have seriously considered taking it up again.

I hope this helps a bit :)

OK hold on, let me clarify my posting. What I meant was that how come paki girls (most of them) really don;t care about their shape? why are they feasting on biryani and parhatay, and drinking coke all the time?

Re: Oye

Well, I take it as an offense as that is not funny at all. Hey, having hair dripping in oil is quite classy in itself. Besides the oil, having them in a nicely done Parandaa looks so elegant.

It is not about the class and elegance only. It is about each person has their own class and elegance in their words, their attire or their way of speaking. If all would be alike then we will never have the urge to meet new people as it will be a pretty damn boring task.

As far as Concerned Daring`s concerns are concerned, they are valid Concerns :-)

Issue is not why he has the concerns. Point is why is he not able to turn the tables around and come back to earth as none of the Pakistani chaps abroad are Greeks gods as well. So why raise hue and cry ?

I hope I have not spoilt Daring`s comparison analysis by adding Sursoan, Amlaa, Sika-kai, Chumbailee, Roghan-ae-Badaam with his sweet thoughts about Blonde Beauties. Right Bhayya Daring ?

Dear Oye Oye: Looks do matter if one only plans to keep on looking. If one has to go beyond that and let me clarify here, meaning marry someone than one starts seeing things beyond looks. But my dear, looks do matter. I am very particular about eyes. If I see little triangular eyes, I simply will hide my face while I am talking to a person. Apologies to all who have triangular eyes.

Take Care

Dear Arshiya,

I think your article was very amusing. I know some of the replies have been `yucky` but I hope that doesn`t discourage you. Thumbs up!

Re:Zahra

funny picturing u like that!!

Re:Daring

Sometimes there are more important things to deal with in life than bothering about one`s looks. I guess a person would have to see beyond the `Ullo/Kabootar/Tail Wali` look as Zahra so eloquently put it!

Ah! The mating dance over a civilized cup of tea of the urban Pakistani bird. The male spreads his colorful wings while the female plays coy. The male starts to chirp and the ensemble of relatives provides the background chorus. After some such encounters , a match is made and nesting couple leaves off. Let`s see how long this lasts in todays changing societies.

Re: Daring

It is so strange I also wonder many times that if we take Whites/African Americans/Hispanic guys in Corporate US early to mid thirties one will find them very corporate oriented, well mannered and sobre. Though if one sees Pakistani Americans mostly one will find them going through id crises. The guys are usually trying to act very westernized and try to appear cool. (Though they forget to reallize it is quite silly to act something that they are not)

Most of my Hispanic Colleagues, I found were very natural about their heritage and will act who they are/were than appearing Western Chameleons.

Even a southerner chap will act like a southerner and will have little reservations about his accent or blondness of hair. Probably there is something wrong there.

On getting back to your question, being a born and bred Pakistani I have found that most of the women in Universities, in professional schools i.e Medicine and Engineering are far more attentive towards their academics than their looks. This does not say that they are negligent towards their appearance but that is not the utmost imporant thing to them.

Just to give you an example, during my final exams in Engineering I have consumed so much Caffeine, mugs and mugs of Fully Caffieneted Coffee and minimmum 72 hours of continuous exam prep that after that I would not give a damn even if I looked like an Ullo or Kabootur. In fact, to keep myslef awake had even at times a Baltee of Tail in hair so that I could focus more on what was forthcoming(papers) than how I looked like.

Though I would disgaree that all the girls are as you have described. Pakistani women in general are quite classy. The way they carry themselves, dressing up.

It is as they say , ``beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder``. I found American dumbos with Bae Mauqa laughter and conversation. Well, I am quite familiar with the concept of friendliness and being an RA in my university years I had hard time to relate to women of my age group, most of my very good friends(Caucasians)were /are atleast 10-20 years older than me. As I found them in many ways at the same level of communication and thinking.

Again it varies from person to person.

Hope that assists

Re: Daring

It is so strange I also wonder many times that if we take Whites/African Americans/Hispanic guys in Corporate US early to mid thirties one will find them very corporate oriented, well mannered and sobre. Though if one sees Pakistani Americans mostly one will find them going through id crises. The guys are usually trying to act very westernized and try to appear cool. (Though they forget to reallize it is quite silly to act something that they are not)

Most of my Hispanic Colleagues, I found were very natural about their heritage and will act who they are/were than appearing Western Chameleons.

Even a southerner chap will act like a southerner and will have little reservations about his accent or blondness of hair. Probably there is something wrong there.

On getting back to your question, being a born and bred Pakistani I have found that most of the women in Universities, in professional schools i.e Medicine and Engineering are far more attentive towards their academics than their looks. This does not say that they are negligent towards their appearance but that is not the utmost imporant thing to them.

Just to give you an example, during my final exams in Engineering I have consumed so much Caffeine, mugs and mugs of Fully Caffieneted Coffee and minimmum 72 hours of continuous exam prep that after that I would not give a damn even if I looked like an Ullo or Kabootur. In fact, to keep myslef awake had even at times a Baltee of Tail in hair so that I could focus more on what was forthcoming(papers) than how I looked like.

Though I would disgaree that all the girls are as you have described. Pakistani women in general are quite classy. The way they carry themselves, dressing up.

It is as they say , ``beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder``. I found American dumbos with Bae Mauqa laughter and conversation. Well, I am quite familiar with the concept of friendliness and being an RA in my university years I had hard time to relate to women of my age group, most of very good friends(Caucasians)were /are atleast 10-20 years older than me. As I found them in many ways being able to communicate at the same level.

Arshiya,

Thanks for the well-written ode. For a vast majority of Muslim women, this is so factual and at another end of Mr Kamran`s spinoff. I particularly liked the detached innocence of your dialogue. I guess it really feels like the rishtas are happening to someone else. Good luck on finding Mr Right Rishta. From what I hear it eventually happens. Unfortunateley, the plastic doll eventually chosen this way, has to still live the real life of being a wife and eventually a mother.If she is lucky she finds Mr Right who lives her life for her, if not, then she lives by herself.

Looking forward to your next work.

I have a question. It is not about this article, or its writer, its something I have been wondering for years. Think about it for a second and than answer. Ok here is how it goes:

Take a College Campus here, a normal state university, like Michigan or Ohio State, or U of Texas. Now seperate the guys from the girls. Lets say that makes about 10000 girls aged between 17-25. Now on to Pakistan. Take 10000 girls here in a city such as Lahore or Karachi, and since we are talking about a state US state university, the Pakistani girls we choose should be mostly from upper middle class to rich girls.

Now compare them. Surely there will be as many beautiful girls (face wise) in the US group as in the Pakistani group, but the girls in the US group, the majority will be like thin, slim, smart, active, will have a nice figure, the right cleavage; a body in proportion. Now take the Pakistani girls group. Most of them will be either too much out of shape, a big butt, or an unproportioned cleavage, or chubby legs, or they will be very thin, in other words malnutritioned. Most of them will have no sense if their bodies, that there butt is too big, or their legs are too chuby , or that their bodies are out of shape.

Can any one help me figure out why????

``Pipe-down you atheistic f *uck. ``- Digit

I dont know what that hard word starting with a- mean but I do not think you very Islamic by calling me f-u-c-k. All I am saying is (my first interpretation of) Fozia, right! Romanticism is western crate-shone.

You think Praphet Mohammad give flowers to 13+ wives? You think Praphet Mohammad dance like those Western infidel Pansy Angreji peo-pole? Do you think Praphet read poetry to his wives? Rasoollallah say poetry in mind and body is worse than PUSS (go to :

www.ews.uiuc.edu/

Re: amber (reply#41)

``you need not start a hubby hunt everytime you meet a guy, because if the chemistry theory is right, you`ll soon find someone who with all his flaws is the best for you.``

So are you saying that having a `chemistry` with someone makes a person blind like falling in love with someone the first time?!?

I always wonder if the `chemistry` is an intangible feeling or tangible?? We all in western society are so wrapped up in having a ``chemistry`` with the person who we want to spend our life with and most of us still end up in a bad marriage or feel stuck in a relationship. Then why do I find that a couple from east has more `chemistry`, respect, and tolerance for each other than a couple from west.

Re: amber (reply#41)

``you need not start a hubby hunt everytime you meet a guy, because if the chemistry theory is right, you`ll soon find someone who with all his flaws is the best for you.``

So are you saying that having a `chemistry` with someone makes a person blind like falling in love with someone the first time?!?

I always wonder if the `chemistry` is an intangible feeling or tangible?? We all in western society are so wrapped up in having a ``chemistry`` with the person who we want to spend our life with and most of us still end up in a bad marriage or feel stuck in a relationship. Then why do I find that a couple from east has more `chemistry`, respect, and tolerance for each other than a couple from west.

re:amber

well said amber,exactly my point in my previous post....

want to add more thing though....

all said and done, its just a matter of clicking with the other person....

sometimes even if u spend a lifetime with some one..u cant really know the reality..some ppl put on brilliant disguises and sometimes it just takes few mins to know that yes:)!!!!!!

Fozia: Its not that I disagreed with your friendship leads to Romance theory, but what really got my goat was the tone in which you referred to the `dating culture` of the West, a sort of condesending tone which obviously led me and others to make an inference about your disapproval.

regards,

Omar

As for the infidel aunties (with wide bases) who want to perptuate an unIslamic custom of strange men and women co mingling strange mard and aurath. They do it for their own voyeur like pleasure and gossipy nature. Imagine two aunties with a watchful eye on the ``Islamic`` get togethers :

Auntie#1:Zulaikha begum so I told that karanti farangi white woman, she have to convert to Islam before she can come to our meeting, hanh!

#2:Saheeh ji, I told the same thing to that hindu boy in so many words: go find your own community`s pimping service... no?

#1[ distracted by someone] :``Aray, aray look dekho dekho! at that kala kaloota bangali boy trying to get near our beauti-uti-uti- ful Amina...

#2: Hai, Allah maaf karay these boy witht their hormones, how many times should I tell him... in how many clear and unclear ways? haaiii!

#3: Look begum I know Amina taking too much interest in this boy too, I dont like that- he not even a dactar, na! Aray I promise her mother that I find her a fair, Syed boy from a good Urdu-Sapeaking family, na! how will I show my blackened face now, na?

You like this atmosphere by these aunties, I ask ? first they allow hindu, white and bangali into Pakistani woman - whatever happened to purity of race and pure blood? That is why I dont like Umrika- here every yellow with black, black with white until no difference and all confusion. So parting advice: dont be confused, fuse with maa news (Islamic ofcourse, na).

Reading a couple of comments on the article written by Arshiya Khan, I feel

like adding the followingsome points here:

a) ``Ode to Rishtay`` seemed like a post where the writer has tried to narrate

her experiences in a polite fashion. She is a little unsure whether she

should say it all or not but then she musters up courage and cares to share

her experiences.

b) Comparing it to KAkhtar`s piece will be comparing apples with oranges.

The intent was the same but the articles had two different phases and

experiences the authors went through.

c) AKhan has also tried to depict a picture of how the meetings take place

in the supervised manner and the kind of jerks/polite fellows/useless

characters on the face of earth one can come across. I can relate to some of

those episodes and I 100% agree with the lady.

d) AKHan has also shown the innocence factor here. Yes, in today`s day and

age many are devoid of that. For most of the kids are damn precocious.

Excuse me, if I sound harsh here. But the teenagers as well as the kids are

no longer acting their age. I do not want to sound as if I am in favor of

naive attitude. But there is always a first time to hold a conversation with

a stranger and break the ice. One may mumble, stumble, grumble....But the

R-2 case must have given AKhan quite a bit of confidence and she could

interrogate the fellow on her own. I do not know if that is what happened

here but I feel that is how the sequence of steps flows.

e) I think the woman deserves a pat on her back for writing a true portrayal

of events than using nonsense to make a normal scenario spicy. Probably

reading a lot of nonsense in the air and on Chowk as well, folks have lost

the sense to determine ``All that glitters in not gold`` Sometime, a person

can just express her/his simple and plain thoughts without adding color to

it. After all it is not only to educate the readers but also to share ones

experiences and they can be colorful, bright, gloomy, colorless. Hey, she is

just sharing her experiences why start comparing her with XYZ.

Note: To Arshiya :-)

There is something about writing that I have discovered. I may be sitting on

cloud 9 after writing my piece, Oh, what a relief that I could take it off

of my chest and share it and see it on the paper/on screen in black and

white but it is not necessary that the readers who read that are on the same

wavelength or read me as informational than sarcastic. I hope you kept that

in mind before writing the piece.

Note 2: I am sure you must have read the concerned voices who have not liked

the way R1-R7 were described. :-)( *_ *)Human Nature!

Regards

Re: Solitude

I have no time for out of whack responses to my comments.

Re: Digit and Asma,

Thanks!

=== Interact Filtered ===
view this users filtered interacts

I agree with digit!!!

What the hell is the problem with solitude? Though, kind of amusing, how does your ranting relate to anything that Fozia said?

Having a bad day or something....?

Re:Omar

I never said anything about ``banishing`` romance. Please don`t be so quick to conclude without reading my comment completely.

Let me requote what I wrote in #25:

``I agree with you, interestingly even in the ``dating`` culture of the West, many people have said that the best relationships are those that started out as friends first.

It gives time for the first impression effects to wear off and then to get to know the person without being clouded by the ``romantic`` aspect.:)``

Notice I mention best relationships are those that started out as friends first. Relationships by definition are ``romantic`` (at least I should hope so :) ) while being ``friends`` is not romantic.

My point was that if a couple transitions from being friends to a relationship than they have a much greater level of understanding with each other than might have happened otherwise. I.e people are too busy being ``romantic`` than taking the time to get to know what really makes that person click.

Now there are still many happy couples out there who didn`t go from friends to relationship, but ``ideally`` I think this is the best method.

Regards,

Fozia

arshiya,

after reading this article i got the feeling that you have a sly wit but for some reason use it with great restraint. i also started wondering why an intelligent woman like you would agree to go along with this charade of meeting potential rishtas, especially since in your experience it hasn`t worked. i`m glad that kamran akhtars work moved you to write, but why try to copy him? the assesment of characters was too `clever`by half. good luck, keep writing and let some of those dark thoughts out on paper instead of keeping them behind the pixie cut and editing them out of your articles.

shandana

Fozia, you`ll never have anyone write a love poem for you (Yeah how many HUS-Bands write love poetry to their wives, huh?). See you`ve even eliminated the simple joys of life from your contemplated barren existence. Sad. You banish romance from life without even knowing what it really is. tragic.

Omar

Solitude:

Pipe-down you atheistic f *uck.

I have no idea how your rant was related to Fozia`s remark.

Is vonder any that ve kill people like dis in Eehst?

``interestingly even in the ``dating`` culture of the West, many people have said that the best relationships are those that started out as friends first. ``- Fozia

Yass, yass fozia beti you must know a lot about the ``dating culture of the West``, right? Fozia:``Oh sarry, I hearing from people talking and talking about relationships ya know``. Yass, yass I say that is such a original observation from someone from duh east I presume? or is it duh north? The Lord is neither of duh east or the west (just of Arabia really where we MUST face wah wah subhanallah!) so dearest sister in Islam fire away fatwas at will . Our culture of duh east is best and perfect and complete- you have purdah (veil) and segregation of sexes for good reason: so that men and women do not have sex (sex and marriage) unless relieved by an elderly and wise local cleric`s recitation of the Noble Quran (that keeps us from going astray and getting zits and cancer: Allah subhanawatalah created cancer for this very reason! to dam-n those fag-goats).

``to get to know the person without being clouded by the ``romantic`` aspect.`` - Fozia Masha Allah sister in Islam you have hit the head on the nail (Made in Pakistan too) ! All these western immoral men wear nice, smooth suits and put glitter in hair (sooo shiny hair that I think I look at Allah`s image(jhalak) on Jable-Toor!) talk about flowers and romance & music & dancing & poetry & theatre & caviar (phood, yaar!) to trap our beauti-uti-uti ful! veil clad woe-man! Romance is creation of devil and infidels of the West. May Allah guide and preserve the cookie of all our women so that they marry forever& ever& ever& ever the nice starched shalwar-kurta wearing- punjabi sapeaking- niswar choosing, pan-sucking, Quran reciting, long beard wearing (oway so sexy like hair down there! *wink * *wink *) deodrant-free MARD (man) of duh east! ballay bllay! with hairy hairy back and breasts& hairy hairy hands & neck! like Bhaloo or cuddly cuddly bear! Sometimes they come with big moustache too like zardari...

In Response to Reply Numbers 25 and 27.

It may seem difficult to turn a friendship into a romantic relationship, but things look different when you`re trying to turn a friendship (and I mean a real one not based on physical attraction) into a marriage. Besides, I don`t think anybody should really try that hard to begin with, let the friendship develop into whatever it pleases avoiding heavy handed attempts to engineer a prepared outcome. If you are being yourself (the first sign of an authentic friendship) you`re natural charisma will do all the work.

ummmm......well after reading the article, I agree with what studbaker says....it certainly was disappointing!

But I must confess the replies were interesting and some very insightful and perhaps one of the main attractions for me on Chowk is the replies,some of which are even better than some articles........

ummmm...I wonder why ppl praise so much some the stuff that lacks substance and is plain mockery! sigh!Just getting something published/printed doesnt mean u have have to praise and admire no matter what!!! No i dont mean to sound like a person who criticizes all...but we do need some thing better....

however considering it was writer`s first writeup and an inspired one...i m looking forward for the second and an original one!!

no offence arshia, but u did sound vain!!!!!

ps:

feel its high time u come down from ``arsh`` to ``farsh`` where we all are...not everybody is perfect and gals are no exception...

Chowkwallahs:

After ``lurking`` for over one year, I finally decided to post to this web site. So please be gentle with your harassment. :-)

Arshiya:

Salaam! Interesting article... and quite amusing.

You say you are from Chicago...... I wonder if you know about this MuslimMoms@aol.com group.

I am not kidding, the e-mail address is for real!

It is a group of aunties who hold functions about once every 2 months where single Muslim men and women are invited for the express purpose of meeting one another. They have activities to facilitate that.

I guess it is a form of ``supervised Islamically-approved dating.`` The men and woomen interact freely, but there is always the presence of married couples to act as chaperones, as well as the aunties who are there watching but try stay in the background.

I think our parents` generation is beginning to realize that the old-time rishta system as depicted in your story is not working. Hence some innovative ``Muslim Moms`` are taking a risk and trying something new and a bit controversial here in Chicago.

I too have roots in the Chicago area, so I have attended one of these functions. It is a very new concept, so I really cannot say how effective is it. Only time will tell.

The one nice thing about such a function versus other functions where people meet (weddings, eid parties, etc.) is that the intentions/interests of the other people there are unambigious. Everyone there is looking to find a spouse. Unlike other functions, where your not sure if someone is already engaged or not interested in marriage at this time, etc.

I was just wondering if you or any other Chowk wallahs have heard of this group or attended its functions. Any comments on the concept or execution?

Oh,BTW, those who are in Chicago or visit Chicago frequently can e-mail MuslimMoms@aol.com and get more info.

w`salaam.

Note to self:

Next time Ammi sets up a meeting with a prospect, wear white pants.

Re:wasiqnawaz

``It seems like the best marriages depend on the quality of the friendship between husband and

wife. Arranged marriages may be stable, but they often also lack the sort of synergy one finds

in friendships. Unfortunately, neither dating nor parentally arranged meetings are appropriate to

producing the natural sorts of connections between people that allow friendship room to both

appear and blossom. ``

I agree with you, interestingly even in the ``dating`` culture of the West, many people have said that the best relationships are those that started out as friends first.

It gives time for the first impression effects to wear off and then to get to know the person without being clouded by the ``romantic`` aspect. :)

Regards,

Fozia

I must say that this is a classic observation of how marriages worked.........in the 50`s. This is the 90`s...things are a lot different. I can`t recall hearing anything similar from any of my female friends. I don`t think it`s a depication of reality...perhaps in a different paradigm, it might make sense. As far as bragging rights...I think all desis love to do that, guys and gals....save em for the 5pm Happy Hour. It makes for great entertainment!

Someone mentioned this thing about desi men not having enough experience with women and that women should give them a chance....I absolutely disagree with that. I don`t think anyone wants to get `stuck` with someone for the rest of their lives. If you don`t have experience, then go get some. There`s plenty of girls out there. But please don`t sit there and expect women to accept your dorky appearance and attitude. I think this is a place where everyone is reaching for the top and second best will never do. Don`t blame it on parents not exposing you to women. Please....

And as far as getting rishtas over without girls knowing...please, only the village idiots let that happen today. I say that cause I recently escaped a person from Chicagoland (and no, I`m not one of the R1-R7 mentioned in the article)...And in case you haven`t heard, the guys have an equally hard time getting away from females and their moms who just want to grab you...especially if you are living in Umrika and can get their daughters a Green Card!!

Down and Dirty in NYC

FOZ

well..want can i say about a person who has had the `` good `` sense to meet weird people before she decides to marry and settle down. i must say, a person who is uncomfortable with people like Rubina and Kamran getting maried to each other, as much as she is queasy about having kids ( not dating guys !)....is an extremely stolid creature to say the least. aap ka Allah hee hafiz Arshiya!

Re: wasiqnawaz (reply21)

I agree about your relationship theory but when you have that kind of marvelous friendship with the opposite sex it is hard to turn that into a marriage. In reality, one party always sees the other party as a buddy friend not as a soul mate. What do you do then? ahahah…sigh! It happens only in fairy tales or movies like “When Harry met Sally”.

It seems like the best marriages depend on the quality of the friendship between husband and wife. Arranged marriages may be stable, but they often also lack the sort of synergy one finds in friendships. Unfortunately, neither dating nor parentally arranged meetings are appropriate to producing the natural sorts of connections between people that allow friendship room to both appear and blossom.

Reading this was such a humiliating experience that I over reacted to that but really the men who go through this rishta thing DESERVE the ridicule and the indignities.To what lengths desperation takes us : marriage is one of them- the two most desperate people in the world must get married. This is how our pure culture/religion works: the parents of these girls drill it into their head the virginity is everything, sex is immoral and all men are rapacious hymen-hunters. The women who comply are rewarded with the line of pathetic rishtays while the men starve of affection, intimacy, sex and interpersonal skills.

The women who revolt are ostracized, beaten down, driven to prostitution or stigmatized and even killed. Why would these women do anything but comply? The solution is to embrace the unscarred women here and COMPLETELY ignore the uptight puritans (let them inbreed!) cut them off and assimilate into the fun-loving liberated majority. The ``baray lowg`` (elders) are already complaining how all the eligible men are in Umrika - and the elders in Umrika are complaining about how all the boys are running after ``goris`` and have to end up baiting some greedy pakistani back home who would sell his soul to get to the West. But who am I kidding? Perhaps all us men are probably even taking notes for future visits (``yasss, yasss I must put cigarette in between my year-lobes nexat time- that looks dashing hero like!``)

What pisses me off is how my mother badgers me despite my REPEATED (angry, mild, reasonable, firm, laughing) pleas to STOP talking to me about some woman or the other. When I tell her that she starts crying and goes ``I know you are living with another woman ... you are slow poisoning us...`` *SIGH * what am I to do? That is sooo manipulative!

She will make me immune to tears. She will make me hard and then some other woman would go around singing ``Tell me how you can be so in sensitive``!

The last time she told me about a cousin I always had a soft spot for and said ``Aray they will give you their daughter tum dekhna, just say yes and she will live with you and pay for everything for you... your graduate school fees`` ``Mom, I can handle all of that , can you please...`` ``aray you will live like a shehzada, she will pay for anything you...`` Anyways, although repulsed by the idea and confused I sort of look forward to meeting her when I go for the summer to Pak. Two weeks into the visit I hear she has been married to some Sindhi feudal lord/ zameendar for over six months! I was stunned. I did not even consider marrying her but she got my hopes high out of her desperate ignorance while my cousin was ALREADY married. Even though I had never thought of marriage her words had got me thinking what it would be like to live with the first girl I ever kissed. Then the news of my mother`s ignorance of everything hurt me. How they play with our hearts and then claim to love us. Ignorant fools and liars...

ANARCHISTAN:

you just said it!!!

An improvement from other attempts on CHOWK on
a similar topic.

Ras

funny article, good work, looking forward to reading more of your work on Chowk.com

Wow, amazingly all the men were portrayed as pretty desperate and rishta needy. Here is for the men :) (M: Man , DF: Desan Female)

M : So you wanna get married, hunh ?

DF: I don`t know my mom just invited you without my permission.

M: Ohhh, so I am sitting here in front of the helpless little desan who is being coerced into humiliating men so that she can get a little self-esteem and then boast about it later in front of friends [impersonating desan accent] ``ohh, I am sooo wanted yaar, men just show up on my doorstep to ask for my hand... `` [To Mom in kitchen] thanks a lot for wasting my f_cking time!

[leaves]

--

M: So why are you dying to get married?

DF : I dont know [ s-uc-ks on her dupatta]

M: Is it because all your friends are getting married and you personally are getting hysterics from lack of sex-ual stimuli ?

DF: Maybe ...

M: Is it because you are running out of eggs and are afraid you will not be able to realize your one true function as a baby factory?

Df: Ok...

M: Or could it be that you just want to sit on your arse all day and batten the hard earned money of your ``tyrranical``-FOB huzband so that you may go on to scribble about being an ``aspiring writer`` & the torments of arranged marriage?

DF: [crying] mommy ...

--

M: Don`t you feel you would be better off flirting with your nearest cousin or pedophile uncle instead of fielding strangers? After all you have titillated them with sexual possibility for years- why not do good and release some of their frustration for a change so that they dont have to go to their respective mommies begging for a woman after over 30 years of hard labor in a foreign land ... ?

DF: Well, someone has to get the entertainment from nervous, clueless, sexually starved men who think marriage is the only path out of a torturous solitude... besides I intend to finally accept one offer or the other a lot of you dolts bother to go to good schools to study so that you can pay for our children (of dubious fatherhood) our servitlity and our bad cooking :)

Funny, but, interesting how desi men always seem to be the butt of these ``rishtay`` stories. It would be nice see some articles from the other viewpoint. Any horror stories about guys being dragged around to see overdressed and overmade up girls ?? Anyone ??

I would write some, but I`m pretty bad at faking this stuff, and plus (thankfully) I`ve not yet gone through that ``rishta`` spin cycle.

Arshiya, that was a great article, certainly brightened up my morning. Your descriptions of the rishtas are very vivid and I can almost picture the different scenarios. I particularly liked the one about the sexist lawyer, I loved your response.

I like your wit, I like the way you write, it`s not pretentious.

Studebaker, must you be a tightass at all times? Not every article or posting needs to be taked so seriously. We have noted your displeasure and frankly don`t give a rat`s left nut. So sit down, have a coke, and chill out.

Like you, I am an aspiring writer and am pleased to say that, in my untrained eye, your essay stood out as remarkably funny yet delightfully unrefined. I feel that writing need not use lofty language and English jingoism to be good. You prove once again that the writings near and dear our heart can only be the ones that we can readily understand and clearly realte to. Your writng does both most beautifully. My hearty congratulations on your first writing.

PS- Read some Amit Chaudhury. I think you will like it.

Funny! Really enjoyed it, many girls would be able to relate to at least one or two of those ``rishtay``.

I don`t think Rubina and Kamran was a simple case, it was a rather neurotic one, and utterly out of wack with reality.... Yours recollections on ``rishtay`` are more believable.

Regards,

Fozia

Excellent article. Empathized with you and your rishta-ites (R1 through R8) all the way. Maybe you should put your picture on Chowk. The one with the long hair.

Ms. Khan,

A very entertaining article!.

``The young man arrived in snuggly fit black jeans and an even snugger red T-shirt, with sleeves neatly rolled up. The only thing he was missing was a pack of cigarettes in the rolls of his sleeves... He told jokes and sher in a level of Urdu that was beyond me``.

The above really cracked me up. I actually know of a similar character in real life.

temporal: I don NOT agree with your opinion. I don`t believe the writer was hiding anything.

An interesting piece of writing. A good topic for the education of both parents and children, particularly in foreign (not to many young men and women) countries. Parents and children are living in two different worlds. They need to come close to each other. Arshiya Khan: Why didn`t you write more about the feelings and reactions of your parents?

Good luck, Bilal Ahmad

arshiya:

much better than `lavishly citrus`. i dont think you can call it a learning experience. because i think most of us know what is going on out there. i personally don`t think there is anything wrong for either sex to find equivalent.

but just a reminder (if u know urdu or hindi !)

har kisi ko mukamal jahan nahin milta

kahin zameen to kahin aasman nahin milta

Arisha: Shouldn`t the title have been `desi men r absolute village idiots`? But we all know this already, thanks to similar expositions, not to discourage anyone from narrating theirs in a humerous vein. Do you think its because we are desis, or because we are men, or is it the combo? Whats your thesis statement on that? But you know what, somehow, womyn manage to put up with us ... don`t ask me to explain why or how. Go figure.

Better luck next time in the bakra mandi. But even if bakris do get the final yes or no, the final outcome is still the same! Don`t mean to depress ya or anything, just an observation. An amusing piece overall, but the topic virtually guaranteed that.

regards,

Omar

``In credit all the above-mentioned men, I have to say that it`s been a learning experience. I would not be a step closer to figuring out what I`m looking for if it weren`t for them. So, perhaps, I should be thanking them for giving me the opportunity to meet them and know that they weren`t right for, and I for them.``

AK:

I feel the above passage was very appropriate analysis. And just to assure you that is quite common with all. Some realize that and are well aware of what is right for them whereas some never learn.

Take Care

Hey, as a happily married desi guy, might I just add that while men may start off as pigs they do eventually evolve into higher life forms capable of conversing with -- and even entertaining -- women. The problem is that we desi men have no practice in actually talking to ``women`` (excluding sisters, mothers etc) and we are not taught how to by our popular culture (so when did you see Amitabh Bachan ever having a soulful discussion?). The point is -- give people time to evolve. Otherwise, best of luck in your search for the perfect rishta.

Arshia bibi:

Welcome to the Chowk! Must warn you to beware of the fallout. Do not be discouraged. Having said that............

Restrained. Too restrained. Somehow the element of spontaneity was missing. Perhaps you should have used a pseudonym and let the real feelings come out. Hope you do not mind. Keep writing.

regards